The Guy 2

So, I have been seeing (dating? hanging out with? what?) this guy I met on, of all places, gay.com. We chatted early July and suggested meeting for coffee. Unfortunately, he had plans for the coming weekends, I was busy with work and the like. We finally were able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, at 3pm at a coffee shop in my neighborhood. What I expected to be a 1 hour tops coffee "date" turned into a five hour conversation.

After that, we came to my apartment as I needed to walk my dog, continued our conversation. Nothing happened, we said goodbye and he left to meet up with some friends for dinner. I carried on. I played by the rules and didn't want to call or follow up for a couple of days. My past experiences and showing my excitement of meeting someone I feel attracted to or interested in have always ended in failures. So, a couple of days later I planned on calling. Two days later he sent me a text message. A week later I called him on a Monday and suggested dinner. We had dinner that evening and, after dinner, kissed goodnight.

The next week, we met again for dinner on a Wednesday night. We had a great time and suggested doing something over the weekend. I had plans that Saturday evening and so he suggested meeting up with me after my dinner. We did meet at the restaurant, where he met some of my friends. We were at One If By Land, Two If By Sea and he met us there for dessert. He dressed to the nines. As he walked in, I could tell, for certain, that he had dressed to impress. The fact that he did meant (means) a lot to me. I notice these things, these apparently seemingly minor efforts and put a lot of meaning into them.

After dinner, we went to Little Branch for drinks. Our dated didn't end unti Sunday evening. Sunday we had brunch, walked around in SoHo and then ended up going to a movie. It was just so nice to have someone to spend time with and enjoy it, hoping the day wouldn't end. This past weekend, we did pretty much the same. Dinner, a show and brunch the next day with a friend of his. We spent Sunday together once more.

Since we are both leaving on a vacation over the Labor Day weekend, we had dinner last night. It was fantastic but I now feel a little anxiety and insecurity. We've spent time together and had a great time, but now I wonder, what is too fast what is sufficiently slow?

Next week, we are having dinner on Wednesday with friends of his. I feel nervous because there is a degree of involvement (meeting friends, etc.) but where are we? At T@T, my therapist said that I should just relax. Yes, so easy to do. "Uh huh," I said.

So he is off this weekend, as am I and I am left to ponder where, if anywhere, will this lead to? And why can't I just "go with the flow"?

A.B.

Guy

So, I've met this amazing guy and have had four dates with him and am completely and utterly nervous because I don't want to screw it up.

A.B.

New Trend?

So, my new thing is to refer to Starbucks as *$$, but nobody gets it. I feel lonely...

A.B.

What not to do on a date, or after a date.

Please venture here and read. Boys, don't do this [PERIOD].

A.B.

Scent of a Man

I purchased, over a year ago, a cologne that I truly loved on first smell. They say that our olfactory sense has a better memory than our other senses and is a powerful cognitive, although majorly subconscious, sense.

This cologne - I have sworn myself never to reveal the name as it is "my little secret" - is one of those things that I just cherish. Many people have complimented me on the scent, inquired as to the name and come up and sniffed my neck. It's funny and it's conversational.

Today, my former assistant didn't see me in the elevator as she was walking out. Half and hour later, she walked into my office to say that although she hadn't seen me in the elevator, she realized I was there because of my cologne.

I stepped out to get coffee this afternoon and, as I came back into the building, the female security officer turned to me and said that she really liked my cologne.

R.G. loved the scent as well. I think he may be the only one that "knows" my secret.

I have (or had) a secret!

A.B.

A month has flown by

A month has flown by and I don't know what happened. I got distracted by much dating going on but, it seems, nothing has come of it. I met three different guys at about the same time and, though they all seemed nice, nothing really sparked. I guess I just really need to take a break, re-focus and center myself.

Perhaps, again, by not looking, I shall find.

On other fronts, work has been crazy, keeping busier than I expected, but not enough to keep me away from the gym. I am becoming, slowly and surely, an assiduous gym-goer. And it's fun. Recently, I graduated from "running" on the elliptical to running on the treadmill. And let me tell you, running is cathartic. I am focused on one goal, making it to my 30 minutes. And I am almost in a trance as I run: the pounding feet, the concentration, the coordinated effort and the sweat. It's fantastic.

A.B.

T@T - Lo Mundano

I woke up late on Thursday, having been to an event the prior night. That coupled with stress relating to my job situation, well, my therapy session was left in a forgotten void. At 8.45 am, as I was leisurely walking my dog, it dawned on me. As I got into my apartment, my phone was ringing, I answered and it was my therapist. I apologized profusely, almost to the point of self-flagellation and he said I was being too hard on myself. We ended up having a phone session, and no, it wasn't that kind.

We talked mostly about dating and my therapist asked me, "Well, what is that you want from dating?" I had to think about that for a minute. I suppose that what I want, I said, is the mundane. He asked what I meant by that. "Lo mundano" seems to be so natural to me, that I didn't really think I needed to explain it. Apparently, cultural differences necessitated some form of clarity. I responded, I don't really want a "Hollywood" relationship -- like the one's I see in the movies -- where everything is seen through rose tinted glasses. It isn't the endless emotional spiraling sensation. Those things are nice, but they aren't the things I seek. Should they come or be part of the package, that would be wonderful.

No, what I look for are the smaller things. The devil is in the details. Cooking for someone; bringing him a cup of coffee; observing him sleep; watching him read a book; watching a sunset together or taking in a movie; a kiss goodnight; a call out of the blue; a hug that touches my soul; the knowing someone, perhaps better than you should; a penetrating gaze that acknowledges your essence; to love, to be loved.

That, to me, is the mundane and that is what I aspire to have in my life.

A.B.

Dating

So, the dating continues. Aside from the SCA guy and F.M. (who never called back), I've met a couple of other guys. I don't know whether it is that I am "jaded" or that these people just don't inspire me, but they all fall into the category of "not worth my time" or "nice guy, potential friend".

I have insisted that the attraction and chemistry I have had with C.T. (who has not been written-up here as of yet, dates back to 2004) and R.G. are precisely the sentiments I aspire to have with respect to the person who will become part of my life. Everyone else is just in passing. Is that being jaded?

Take for instance G.J. A person who saw me at an event I attended and then found me on Friendster. We corresponded and finally decided to meet for dinner. He's vegan, I'm not. The whole back and forth on where to go was a bit boring, but we decided to go to an Indian restaurant. I love Indian and so, it wasn't a bad option; but the conversation on where to dine detracted from the whole occasion. G.J. is a nice guy, regular in appearance and looks, of normal intelligence and passionate solely, for the most part, on a film he has screenwritten. The night passed by like a piece of driftwood on a lake with a mild breeze, sufficient impetus, but not full force. I don't think I'll see him again.

Friday, I met a person from Gay.com. We had chatted over a year ago and then struck up a conversation again recently. I suppose my new pictures had an effect. We met, had drinks. Again, nice guy, but not for me.

Love is elusive. Like porn, you mostly know it when you see it. In the interim, I feel like that piece of driftwood.

A.B.

Next...

So, went on a date with Subway Guy yesterday. It was a very candid experience. He was in SCA (sexual compulsives anonymous). Date over. He explained to me his proclivity, his going to bars and enjoying oral sex with go go dancers, sex clubs, etc. Kudoz for being honest, but run while I still can. That is too much to take on. Next...

I gave F.M. a call and left voicemail. I hate voicemail. That was Tuesday. No return call yet. Next...

A.B.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 70% Green Lantern 70% Catwoman 70% Superman 60% Supergirl 50% Batman 45% Wonder Woman 40% The Flash 40% Robin 27% Hulk 25% Iron Man 20%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

The Mojo...

It's back baby!

I guess the funk is over. After the mourning, the sense of loss, the despair and all those wonderfully unpleasant feelings, it seems I got my Mojo back as my friend L.C. says. The only problem is that the mojo has a little quirk to it now... it attracts 23 - 26 year olds.

I have traditionally dated men slightly or not so slightly older than myself, anywhere from 35 through 45. Not a strict rule, it has just so happened that way. I find myself attracted to more mature, more established men who have, for the most part, been able to evolve past the partying, the drinking and sexual escapades to the theatre, the movies, fine dining, etc.

My M.O. has usually been that. Until a few weeks ago. First, this guy, T.M., happened. He's 24. I bumped into him Sunday night at The Cabañas at The Maritime Hotel. Friday night, after X-Men 3, I decided to stop by Mr. Black, a bar on Bleecker and Broadway. I thought I would have a drink, feel a little less lonely amidst the crowd.

I ended up bumping into acquaintances. Those times you wish you didn't only because you would like to be on your own but are obligated by social grace to be friendly and talkative and inquisitive.

Around 1 am, this guy begins talking with me. He looks young, but I think that it will be the usual 5 minute conversation. We ended up talking at length. The guy is quite handsome (F.M.), 23, out of college, working in an equity firm. He ended up giving me his number and asking me to call him to go out. More happened, I won't divulge that here though.

In addition, there are a couple of more guys, 24 and 23 as well. My friend L.C. is all for it but I tell her that I have my reservations about younger guys. They tend to party too much, to want to do the same things I did at that age and that I am now beyond. I don't judge them at all, hell, I did it. My reservation is that they are probably not for me precisely because of being at that stage. L.C. says that I am "thinking too much" and that I should "go with the flow and enjoy myself". Why make something serious before its time. My thoughts are simply why waste my time. Ugh!

This is in addition to a guy that chatted me up on the subway on Friday and a person I once had an encounter with who invited me to his barbecue party on Monday and was affectionate.

Anyhow, seemingly, the Mojo is back. Let's hope it lasts!

A.B.

Dinner

Last night I had dinner with my friend H.P. H.P. and I met a couple of years ago and he has become a true friend, those you know will be lifelong. H.P. is sophisticated, articulate, intelligent and funny.

We had a great conversation and a good time just hanging out. His partner wasn't able to join unfortunately, work got in the way.

H.P. said that I seemed to be doing well. I'm glad to see that it is starting to show and I'm not the gloomy old me I was a couple of months ago.

Feeling refreshed.

A.B.

Second Chances?

At one point while I have been living in New York, I gained a lot of weight. My highest ever, at 194 lbs occurred in the summer of 2003 as my most recent relationship came to pass. Depression, sadness, work, stress, anxiety and implacable loneliness were all addressed with food. Once my waist line began inching to the 36" mark, I realized it was time to take action. Dieting began and by the winter of 2004 I had lost 25 lbs. During that time, I met various guys. Very few of them progressed passed the proverbial cup of coffee or first "date". I attributed it to incompatibility or lack of chemistry, either on my part or theirs. After they each waned, I really didn't make an effort to carry on a friendship thinking that if they too had an interest, they would make an attempt as well.

Following that 25 lbs loss, I gained back 5lbs, completely within range. Flash forward to May 2006. I have lost another 15 lbs from January to the present, weighing in at my all-time lowest. Size 31 waist, very slim, features that have become pronounced and angular; the camera is loving me and I'll tell you why.

I have profiles on Connexion and Friendster. I meander on them see if there is anyone that catches my attention and, sometimes, send them a message. Hell, isn't that what those sites are for? Well, as of late, and as a result of my new pictures, several of those guys I once met or went out on one date with (and by several I mean more than 4) have looked at my profile in the past couple of weeks.

They have also e-mailed me to compliment me on my pictures and "new" looks and see if I would be interested in getting together, for a drink, you know? It's flattering, yes, but at the same time I wonder... why have I all of a sudden become worthy of their attention. A couple of years ago, they actually met me face to face and moved on. Clearly, they didn't find me attractive, intelligent, smart or funny enough. So, why am I now worthy of their attention?

The truth is, I am not interested because I feel that all of a sudden the interest (whether it be for a friendship or romantic in nature) is misguided and superficial. Now that I'm not the "ugly duckling", what type of people do I want to associate with. The people that know me or the people that like the way I look (and may or may not know me).

I'll take the former.

A.B.

An Ever Present Absence

I received over the weekend an e-mail from a dear friend back home. We do not speak often or communicate frequently, our lives have put us on busy and differing paths. However, he is a guy that came into my life and has remained present in it, despite time and distance.

Recently, G.R. broke up with his partner of 4 years. A very dramatic relationship, I heard through mutual friends that things had not been good for a while and that it was most likely they would end their relationship. Incredibly, I never met G.R.'s partner, as I had already moved here when they began dating. By all accounts, his partner was nothing to write home or elsewhere about.

G.R.'s e-mail informed me of his move to a new apartment, the start of a new life on his own, the 30+ lb weight loss and other things. I responded letting him know I was delighted to hear from him, to know that he was moving on and that he had lost the weight he had gained.

G.R. responded that evening, and as I read, I felt a twitch of nostalgia and a pinch in my heart. He said (translated) that despite the distance, I was a person what was ever present in his life and he wanted me to know that I am important to him.

I wish we could all, and I include myself, take the time in our busy lives to tell those that are important to us just how much impact they have in our lives.

A.B.

My Reading Kick

Late to join the bandwagon, I recently picked up "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. More out of a need to sit down and read something rather than to follow a trend, I began one evening a nice journey. The book was short-lived, I devoured it and, as I did, was reminded of so many things in my life. I think that Sedaris has, what one friend calls, a keen eye for what is obvious. His writing is not earth-shattering, it isn't a discovery proper, but more an ability to focus on those small things that we pass on lightly as we grow. We forget and fail to pay attention to them as more "important" matters take over.

Following that, I went on a shopping spree and have purchased his other books and will begin shortly reading them.

In the interim, I am loving Jhumpa Lahiri's "Interpreter of Maladies", it is bittersweet.

A.B.

My (Growing) List of Pet Peeves

I try to keep an open mind about the people I meet. I attempt to not keep steadfast rules and, in doing so, have realized that some things I thought I disliked, can actually be attractive to me. However, there are certain things I just cannot tolerate. Herein follows a list of such things:

1. Men who wear socks with sandals; Men who wear gym socks with dress shoes.
2. People who enjoy chewing their gum with their mouths open, similar to cows grazing.
3. People with poor dental/oral hygiene.
4. Lack of basic table manners.
5. Chewing with mouth open.
6. Burping (in front of people); if inevitable, failing to excuse oneself for so doing.
7. People who do not think before they speak and gravitate towards stock phrases: "I'll call you", "I am so stressed out", etc.
8. Lazy people.
9. People who drink too much or whose only idea of fun is drinking.
10. People who lack the courage (i.e., balls) to be honest.

True, some of them are quite generic, but if the red flag goes up, I am learning to just move on.

A.B.

Another one bites the dust

About two weeks ago, as I was walking home from dinner at Wallsé, I discovered a new bar in my neighborhood, Mr. Black. I walked in, had a drink and then headed home. As I crossed Broadway, I bumped into an acquaintance (V.R.) and his friend (T.M.). We conversed briefly, the usual pleasantries. As I was bidding them farewell, T.M. insisted I join them. There was a trace of a sparkle in his eye.

Quite a strapping fellow, blue eyes, dark brown hair and tall, I thought that he was decidedly too young. I thanked them and then headed home.

Monday, I attended the Lambda Legal Liberty Awards dinner, a gala fairly attended by the legal community. V.R. was there, as was T.M. and we ended up bumping into each other and talking once more. T.M. seemed to show interest and I thought perhaps this is something I can entertain. After the dinner and the cocktails, T.M., and M.I. (also there) and others ended up going out to a bar and T.M. insisted I go. I did and we had a drink and a pleasant conversation. He wishes to go to law school, is working as a legal assistant, hails from New York. Seems like a nice guy. I decided to leave as it was getting late and T.M. said he too was leaving.

I thought we would each take a cab home, say our goodbyes and perhaps talk the next day, as we had both exchanged cards. T.M. decided we should take a cab together and so we did. As we dropped him off at the corner of 29th and 2nd Ave, T.M. turned to me and kissed me, a long, deep kiss. I hadn't expected it, but wasn't opposing myself to it when it happened. He got out of the cab and we said goodbye.

At this juncture I thought that he liked me and would probably accept a date, so I thought to myself that I would call him the next day and ask him out to dinner for Saturday. I arrived home and as I was settling in, received a text message from T.M., to which I responded and then went to bed.

On Tuesday, I called T.M., and got voicemail. Remember my history with voicemail: I hate it. I left him voicemail and he didn't respond until the evening (I was in the subway, so he left voicemail). I returned the call and we had a brief conversation and then he said that he needed to be honest. He is dating someone, and although it hasn't arisen to the level of commitment, he
felt it wouldn't be right to not disclose that. By the same token, he said he couldn't expect me to just wait around to see if things didn't work out with this person (I thought that was a little too forward looking and presumptuous). Finally, he said the dreaded "I would love to be able to hang out with you though". I told him that he had my number and could call if he so desired. I
wished him luck and we then hung up.

If you are dating someone in whom you are interested, don't kiss other guys.

A.B.

A sentiment

Empty words,
Hollow thoughts,
these are your sustenance.

Weapons of candor and
meaningless insights,
the journey to their significance is lost.

A.B.

Today's Words of Wisdom

Although yours is the sign of self-determination, the focus in your life is currently on your relationships. Both personal and business relationships might feel a bit strained, but this isn't necessarily a real crisis. More likely, a string of minor annoyances makes you aware of what's not working, rather than what is. There may be nothing to do about it and nothing to fix. Remember that circumstances are in a state of flux.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

I already knew that.

A.B.

Weirdness becomes me.

I curse my own stupidity. Saturday morning, a call, V., M.I.'s friend. Dinner Sunday, his place, he and his boyfriend (J.) are cooking and would I mind lending them two folding chairs. 8.00 p.m., bring a bottle of wine. M.I. is coming with F.A., the guy he has been dating. Cringe. Don't go.

Sunday, M.I. calls. Going to dinner tonight? My response, I'm not sure, I may just stay home and relax. No, he says, you should come, it will be fun. As an afterthought, with a hint of warning, he mentions that he will be going with F.A. and that I will get to meet him. Cringe.

V. stops by with J. to pick up the chairs and insists I go. I succumb.

M.I. and F.A. arrive half an hour after I do. F.A. turns out to not only be quite attractive, but nice. M.I. seems nervous and misplaced, almost a character from a Woolf novel. A little anxiety or anticipation, nervousness or awkwardness. I feel slightly more confident. Empowered even. A sense of security is exuded. I become funny, sarcastic and lively.

And then, M.I. asks what I think of F.A., whilst F.A. is seated next to me. It perhaps was not so much the question, but rather the manner in which it was asked. A slight grasp of the shoulders from behind, a breath on my neck, a whisper in my ear, a squeeze of my shoulders. And no answer. A faint "he's nice"; but no honest assessment. A desire of distance and space.

Dinner carries on as I am enveloped in thought and emotion. I observe F.A.'s hand gently caress the back of M.I.'s head. Compunction. The thought flashes through my head. Why am I undeserving of having someone. The thought was not "Why does M.I. have someone", but questioning my self-worth, yet again.

The conversation carries, I continue lost in thought. I feel the weight of a stare. F.A. is observing me as my eyes had begun to glisten. I turn. The stare is broken. I quietly say my goodbyes, thanking the hosts for a lovely evening. M.I. obsequiously says farewell, a hug, several kisses, a squeeze and another embrace. The sense of artificiality too overwhelming.

I slowly make my way home and think of R.G.

A.B.

Reading

I recently bought the book "Giovanni's Room" by James Baldwin on the recommendation of this blogger. I must say, I was, am, happy to have read it. Lately, my reading has dwindled: dating, work, exhaustion; all have contributed to my decline in reading habits. But something about the post made me want to read the book. I felt drawn to read it.

Amazingly, I finished it relatively quickly (it is not a long book by any stretch, I was just able to focus on reading it within the constraints of work, sleep and other activities).

It is saddening. Not just because of the ending, of which we are made aware of in the first couple of pages of the book, but rather because of that certain and well-known state of human affairs when we, as individuals, are unable to express our true selves -- and not in the trite, cliche-ish sense of the phrase -- and share our feelings with and for those persons that come into our lives.

That inability is a prison without bars, a painstaking way of semi-living. I truly cannot fathom not communicating our feelings, it seems to me to be the natural and instinctive manner in which to relate to other people and, perhaps, the reason why I bore of conversations that center on the banal.

Unfortunately, David, the principal character in the book, is unquestioning of himself and his orientation; not unnatural when we first realize our attraction to the same sex. But his path is one of sadness and self-destruction. He lacks the desire to live fully, to love and to be loved. Like many people I have known. But why?

A.B.

Thursdays @ Therapy ("T@T")

Last Thursday, I had my weekly therapy session. I have been in and out of therapy many times, for varying reasons: parents' divorce; sexuality; suicide of a teenage friend; stress; etc.

The purpose of my sessions is to figure out those patterns in my behavior ("schemas") that are self-perpretuating and adverse to my happiness. Sometimes, the session involves the use of imagery to pinpoint a feeling or sensation and understand it better.

During my session, the image that came to mind on my feeling lonely was that of me, as a child, sitting at my desk, doing my homework assiduously. My mother was in her room, watching TV, my brother downstairs playing around and avoiding his duties and my sister in her room in her crib, asleep. I sat there, practicing my penmanship, to get it perfect. Writing, erasing, re-writing, erasing. It had to be perfect. I was alone and felt the void. The void that continues to this day. I am searching to fill that void by doing what is expected of me by my parents, my superiors and even the most unimportant people in my life. Then... and now.

The name of the schema is subjugation: an inordinate need to please others while sacrificing oneself.

As a child, all I can remember is trying to always make those around me happy and to be pleased with me. So now, my imagery shows precisely that, my desire to please my parents by being the dutiful son that did his homework and was responsible, while just wanting to be a kid. I feel like I have been an adult since I was 6 or 7. That's a tall order.

I'm rambling.

A.B.

What the F**K?

So, a day or two ago I e-mail a guy on Connexion with an e-mail saying "Hi, great profile, take a look at mine and e-mail me if you would like to start a conversation."

He responded that same day. The next day he deleted his profile. What the F**k? I am convinced I have this effect on people. One e-mail and profile deleted... I must have this effect on people?

Help!

A.B.

Today's Horoscope

With the Moon moving through your 4th House, your moods may shift several times throughout the day. You could be uncertain about how you should respond to a situation that's unfolding in your life. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart has a different agenda. As much as you want to be understood, be careful not to overwhelm others as you seek emotional support.
Tuesday, May 2, 2006.

Hmmmm....

A.B.

Movies

I am a big movie fan. Lately, I really haven't been feeling the urge though to go out to the movies. Mostly because many of my friends don't enjoy it as much as I do and see the idea of going into a theater for 2 hours as a waste of time when there is "so much to do".

So, in that vein, I have become more of a DVD person, subscribing to Blockbuster Online and setting up a queue of movies I want to watch.

Yesterday, before my friends arrived for another dinner I cooked for them, I started watching Shopgirl, which I finished moments ago. I was impressed with the humanity of the characters and their weaknesses.

Steve Martin is both afraid of falling in love and at the same time, desiring a part of Claire Dane's character as a cautionary measure of not letting go and being hurt. In the end, he says that he misses her, although he kept her at bay in order to never have to miss her. Powerful and bittersweet, but marvelous nonetheless.

I am so buying it.

A.B.

p.s. I actually do, on occasion, go to the movies alone, but doing it all the time takes the fun out of some of it too.

*Sigh*

It has been quite a week, busy with work and all. After a nice and calming weekend in which I attended two parties, Monday felt like payback for an enjoyable weekend.

At Saturday's party, I actually met C (a/k/a "Secret Squirrel Agent 000"), an incredibly smart and wonderful person and her husband (a very, very smart guy). We had a fascinating conversation on the crossroads of economics and psychology, the "rationality" of consumers and meditation. You know, your typical New York conversation.

I had a blast at the party and so told S. It was a lot of fun. I met one of S's friends, a very nice chap, handsome, engaging, funny and slightly giddy. He was very kind and prepared me a drink and we started a conversation and throughout the evening continued bumping into each other and talking. He seemed like a nice guy, the type I might (may) pursue. The one if is that he does not live in New York. I have always thought that long-distance romantic relationships are difficult. Then again, I thought tattoos were unattractive (and dated a person who had one and found it so sexy). I guess I will just try not to think too much or overanalyze as I tend to do. Maybe my therapist will have some insight.

As for M.I., we had brunch on Saturday and all is back to normal, thankfully. He is even telling me about a guy he likes and his sort of dating. I do the same.

Back to work.

A.B.

Just can't get this one out of my head

So, I loved the song "Beautiful" by James Blunt. So what, mainstream has influenced my musical tastes, shoot me. In any event, only a week ago did I decide to buy the album at Tower Records. I thought, what the hell, maybe the guy is actually talented.

I have listened, over and over, and over again, to the album and downloaded it to my nifty little iPod. But there is one song that has gotten to me and I cannot get it out of my head. It's entitled "Goodbye My Lover". These are the lyrics which I have found quite powerful.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

©2004 Custard Records

So, call me a romantic, but this pretty much sums it up.

A.B.

One of the gayest things ever...

I have a running list of activities I would like to do. Each year, as it begins, I write out things I haven't done that I would like to try to accomplish. This year's list is quite extensive and more keeps getting added on as the days go by and ideas creep into my head.

So, for example, this year I proposed to go to the gym and to lose weight. Both are being accomplished, I have lost 15 lbs since January 1 and have been keeping regularly scheduled appointments with the trainer.

In addition, I penciled in the following activities: learn to scuba dive, learn to sky dive, do bungee jumping, go to a shooting range, try a cheese tasting at Artisanal, take up Tae Kwon Do again. So far this year, I already learned, and got certified in, scuba diving. Yippee! Any divers out there?

I did that back in March, took a week off and went to Grand Cayman. It was a fabulous trip, ate like a king (lost one pound though!) and learned to Scuba. The experience was amazing and I am glad I finally did it. Plus, I do feel proud of myself for setting a goal and accomplishing it. That, and I have opened up new horizons.

A couple of years ago, I took a wine tasting class (quite lengthy, it was an eight-installment course, two hours each installment). I met my dear friend L.C. at that course!

So, my list for this year has shortened since I have checked off Scuba Diving. Instead of now concentrating on the additional activities I have set up for myself, yesterday, as I was reading TimeOut, I read an article on p 56 of this week's edition (551) on "Zen and the art of flower arranging". Now, I am adding it to the list. Now remember, it is a running list and I can (and have) carried activities over to the following year. But the thought of actually learning to make a floral arrangement for my home is something I think would be novel and calming at the same time.

It is, however, one of the gayest things ever, but maybe it will be a venue for a creative side in me I don't know exists?

A.B.

Recognition

I am receiving an award next week for my work and contributions in assisting a client to apply for political asylum in the United States. The organization giving me the award is the organization that referred my client to the firm I work at.

At first, I reacted negatively to the thought of receiving an accolade. A variety of reasons jumped to mind: we have not yet filed the documents to the case; I am just doing my job, what anybody else would do; I am no more special than the 100s of other attorneys that do pro bono, etc.

It really wasn't until yesterday evening that I started to look forward to the event (scheduled for next week). I have never been good with compliments, they make me inherently uncomfortable. It turns out that because I feel "unworthy" and "defective" I have trouble accepting a compliment or an award.

So, I have decided to embrace the opportunity and accept that sometimes, I do deserve to be recognized for something. We'll be filing papers for my client soon and I hope we get asylum quickly, for his good sake. He is an angel and has taught me a lot. His life puts me and mine in such utter perspective.

A.B.

Feeling The Pangs of Indifference

Slowly, frustration and resentment begin to transform into indifference. Indifference is not a bad thing. It is a distance sufficiently removed from a person, an object or a thing so as to feel neither good nor ill will. WordNet defines indifference:

"indifference n

1: unbiased impartial unconcern

2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions [...]

3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally [...]
4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of
concern [...]

Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University"

My mother and father had a very troubled marriage. Nowadays, my mother would be considered an abused wife. We, in turn, children of an abusive father, physically and verbally. My mother's fortitude following the end of that marriage, and her courage in finally breaking free, are something I have always respected and admired. She married at 22 and says that during her marriage, she just didn't know better. In some remote part of myself, I feel pity for her not knowing better. We appear and represent ourselves to be such strong, courageous, self-assured individuals that it is almost incomprehensible why one would put up with treatment like that she endured.

And then, I look at myself and feel much the same pity I have, on occasion, felt for her. I am no weakling, no push-over. Or, is that how I think of myself? Why has my tolerance level not been breached yet with R.G. and the other men I have dated? I by no means intend to equate what my mother went through with my experiences with these guys, but ultimately, the underlying reasoning is much the same. If a person does not treat you in the manner you need and expect, aren't you, in much the same way, accepting and condoning some form of mistreatment?

I am terribly saddened that things with R.G. didn't work out. For many, many reasons. I thought that he could be part of my life in a grander scale; he had what it takes. For some reason or another, he didn't feel that with respect to me. And sometimes, you just can't explain your reasons. The reason's of the heart are sometimes inexplicable.

But following our not working out, R.G. has adopted, in my view, a very questionable manner of comporting himself. To ignore a person, avoid them, fail to respond to a call or a message, is rude. That rudeness may not necessarily be intentional in and of itself, but rather a form of eluding the issue in hopes the matter will go away, but it is still perceived as rudeness. It is sad that things could not have been handled in a more civilized fashion because I would have loved to have him in my life as a friend, if nothing more.

And so, as time goes by, I am beginning to feel indifference grow in me. I don't feel ill-will towards R.G., I don't feel like embracing him to show some modicum of affection. I am just seeing another human being, like countless others.

My mother is, as you may well imagine, a wise woman. Following her divorce, she did feel resentful, spiteful and, perhaps, even hatred towards her ex-husband (ok, ok, my father). But, with time, she grew indifferent. She summarizes it well, with a brush of wisdom: the opposite of love and affection is not hatred. Hatred demonstrates that one still has feelings for a person, albeit negative. The opposite of love and affection is indifference; the lack of any feelings.

A.B.

Communication Isn't a One Way Street

I attempted calling R.G. on Friday, twice. I ended up leaving voicemails that went along the lines of the following:

"Hi R.G., it's A.B., I was hoping we could chat. Give me a call when you have a chance. I hope all is well".

followed by

"Hi R.G., I called you because I hoped we could talk. I was hoping we could be friends but I have this sense that you have been avoiding me and all. It's been a bit awkward lately, but if you think we can be friends and would like that, let me know, one way or the other. You know where to reach me. Take care, A.B."

I thought, at worst, R.G. can at least maintain a friendship, but I think that even that is dashed.

I have not received a response to my voicemails. One would think that communication is the basis for any form of a relationship. But, R.G. has been reticent to communicate anything. I am perplexed. Or perhaps, not perplexed, but realizing that R.G. handles ending a relationship by not looking back or not attempting to keep the good or recover what is recoverable.

A.B.

How Does One Read Between the Lines

I had that conversation with M.I. last night, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of Blue Ribbon Bakery and on the walk home.

Apparently, I am just not good enough at reading between the lines. Quite simply, M.I. loves me like he loves any other friend. The late night calls to say he is safely tucked into bed, the invitations to have dinner with him, the confidences and conversations, the holding of my hand, the use of an affectionate "pet" name, the utterance "I love you", etc. are all friendly things with no ulterior motives. This is fine with me, as I had not built up any expectation given our past history and his candor on Monday.

Amidst my prevailing sentimental and emotional confusion (not attributable to M.I.), the last thing I want to deal with is a person that only complicates my life and doesn't really add much to it. Yes, M.I. is a form of company/companionship, but so is my dog. And my dog is, at least, unconditional.

A.B.

I Had A Bad Day

Seemed to be going well, was in fairly good spirits and ended up going to the gym. My New Year's resolutions this year included, among others, losing more weight and going to the gym. I hired a personal trainer and have been assiduous about my appointments (two a week) and trying to go on my own to do some exercise. It seems to be working.

However, I attend the same gym R.G. goes to. I have been a member for about 3 years and had stopped going and then decided to start going as part of my resolution. In addition, it is the "gayer" of the gyms in the city, so, it is refreshing to see more gay guys and serves as an incentive.

This evening, I got out relatively early from the office and went to the gym. I didn't expect to see R.G. as he had told me over a week ago he would be away this week on business, so I didn't think much of it.

I arrived at the gym, changed and headed up to start weight-lifting. Half way through my routine, I saw he was there and eventually he walked by, sufficiently far away that it wasn't really necessary to say hello. He did, however, seem to look in my direction twice. I was listening to my iPod and lifting away, so I didn't interrupt to say hello or wave a hand. Since I had this sensation that he has been avoiding me (I had asked him out over a week ago, he said he would get back to me, he didn't follow up, I e-mailed him and he cancelled without offering a raincheck), I didn't really make an effort to say hello. It seemed like he was leaving, so I thought ok, now that's over.

He ended up coming back up to do cardio and we inevitably saw each other, so it was a forced hello. I felt uncomfortable because, although I am hurt, I certainly still have feelings for the guy. It is an extremely difficult situation for me that I simply do not know how to graciously handle without coming across as rude or impolite or spiteful. I was walking towards the water fountain and just lifted my hands and said hello with my eyes. I didn't know if it was appropriate or not. I then returned to finish my abdominals and on the way back, saw him again on the treadmill, so I walked up and said hello and asked "How's it going", at which time he removed his head phones. I repeated "How's it going", he faintly said "ok" and I said, "Well, gotta go". It was awkward and uncomfortable.

I saw him again in the locker room as I was drying my hair and we barely acknowledged each other. I got dressed and left while he was probably showering.

I think it all boils down to not having had any form of closure. My therapist says that although closure is a nicety, we aren't necessarily entitled to it. Although that may be true, sometimes one good punch is better than several small ones.

Funny, I haven't really mentioned my therapy here before. I sort of felt it was a form of weakness or mental debility. I have been going for some time now and the underlying theory is that we all, to lesser or greater degrees, have behavioral patterns that we sometimes are not aware of and that reverberate in our lives. We tend to repeat that with which we are comfortable, almost inevitably with the same exasperating results. I've pinpointed some of my patterns but have had trouble correcting them. Part of the process is, precisely, to write out what it is that affects me.

I try to convince myself that R.G. has already abandoned me. Abandonment is one of my greater fears, it traces back to an absent paternal figure, people coming and going in my life with no permanence in my life and a perceived abandonment of my mother, who always saw me as the stronger child that didn't need supervision or nurturing. Ouch. So, with R.G., the fear was that he would not be a part of my life. Now that that result has materialized, I should be able to move on. My greatest fear is present and I am still here. If it hasn't killed you, it will make you stronger. But, I am constantly reminded of R.G. (and I constantly remind myself of R.G.) and that does not help to move on.

I felt embarassed and ashamed today when I saw him, and I do not know why. Why should I be ashamed or embarassed? I think I feel that I screwed it up. In the sense that I had someone good (or that I thought was good at the time) and sabotaged it. I guess that is something I will need to think about heartily in the days to come.

Alas, it wasn't the best of days.

A.B.

Not Suprisingly

Remember M.I.? Let me refresh your memories: 1, 2 and 3. M.I. recently came back into my life, with all the issues going on with R.G., I didn't put much stock in M.I. and thoroughly convinced myself and told myself over and over, don't fall prey again to your emotions. M.I. was making it clear we were friends and I was entirely fine with that. I was well aware of his shortcomings and had no intention of getting swept in. Fine, dandy.

Recently, M.I. has been inviting me to his place (three times now) to watch Desperate Housewives on Sunday night and have dinner. Fun, innocent, something friends would do. I was happy to go as I enjoy the show and had fun just shooting the breeze. On one occasion I met his friend, V. V. just started a relationship with some guy. The second time I went over, V. was there and incessantly asked M.I. and me why we weren't dating. After responding concisely to his questions, he continued to badger us with more questions. The evening was completely awkward because it is precisely a topic I did not want to revisit.

As the evening was coming to an end, V. and M.I. dropped me off at my apartment as they were heading to a bar in the Meatpacking District. As I was saying my goodbyes, I recalled how much I didn't appreciate M.I.'s intense partying and drinking and how that made me feel insecure, the partying and meeting guys, hook ups and late nights. It was a passing thought the moment M.I. pecked me on the lips as he has done as of late (and appears to do with his friends generally) and said "I love you". As I was metaphorically picking myself up off the floor I had no ready response. I looked at him and said, "Well, have fun at the [bar]. Good night." This came out of left field.

As I walked back to my apartment, I wondered, perhaps he just meant "I love you... like a friend" or "I love hanging out with you" which would have been fine. But "I love you", those are words one does not use lightly. So, I thought, perhaps M.I. has developed feelings for me. Time has gone by, we have hung out as friends (i.e., without any expectations or pressures) so, quite possibly, he felt a twitch.

I won't say that this did not have its impact on me, it caused me to wonder. On advice of a third party, I decided not to call him and wait it out, perhaps have a face-to-face talk and figure out exactly what was meant by that utterance. I tried to talk about it at one point, albeit over the phone, but he skirted around the issue. I thought, OK, I won't push this and let it be.

We saw each other Saturday at a party and didn't speak or interact much. Bad sign I thought. Sunday rolled around, Desperate Housewives again (but it was a repeat so we didn't watch it). V. was there with his boyfriend. V. said that M.I. is the type of guy who likes what he can't have, and the minute it becomes available, he loses interest. Light banter, slight discomfort. Bad sign I thought. Monday came and at 5, a call, "Any plans for dinner?". Now, at this precise moment, my better judgment hollered "don't do it"... "Sure, 8 p.m. ok?". Insta-dinner plans at 8 it was.

For other reasons, I was in a quite cheerful mood as I walked into the restaurant and spotted M.I. As I sat down, I engaged in idle conversation and inquired about his night out and his Monday off (he didn't go to work). In less than 3 minutes, I learned that M.I. had gotten home after 5 a.m., had attempted to pick up a guy to take home with him but was cut-off by a third guy that took his guy out from under him and that at the gym that afternoon, a guy masturbated in the shower with the door ajar for his viewing pleasure. This guy is such a keeper. I will not pass judgment on M.I. for what he chooses to do, I can only say that this is definitely not the type of person I would like to have in my life as a partner. I have enough problems as it is.

After those 3 minutes, I felt an impulse to stand up, say good night, and go home, make up some phoney excuse... a bad case of diarrhea coming on or something. But, I thought that would be too rude and stuck it out. I had a great meal for $22 (wine, appetizer, main) and then walked home. As we said our goodbyes, M.I. said he would call me the next day and the following message flashed by in my brain "that is a call you will let go to voicemail".

A.B.

Not So Anono Anymore

I have been discovered! I must say that this blog has been mostly an exercise for me in writing out my feelings. Seeing them in black and white (or 1's and 0's) has helped me assess the varying situations in my life while preserving some degree of anonymity and receiving the occasional feedback from those that comment.

Unbeknownst to me, one of my internet profiles contains a sufficiently catchy phrase that when searched leads the searcher to my blog thus allowing an individual of sufficient and voracious intellect to put 2 and 2 together and discover my true identity. Alas, my cover is blown! So here goes a shout out to S. and to his friend C (hi C!). They are, to my knowledge, the only two persons who know who I truly am. S. has been sworn to secrecy (are you reading this S.?) and, by proxy, C.!

The funny thing is, S. knew about this blog before he and I met and as things were falling apart with R.G. So, he had an advantage over me in knowing about my prior history with R.G. and the emotional fall-out that ensued. I must say that despite having this knowledge, S. acted like a true gentleman and never brought it up during the times we met. Today, while we spoke over the phone, S. revealed to me that he knew about the blog. Yes, I was a bit startled, but thought that in all, it was funny.

I recently went on a trip to the Caribbean during which I had much time to think about my emotional state relating to R.G. and my meeting other people. S. was one guy I had met a couple of times prior to my trip and is a genuinely nice guy. In addition, we have an acquaintance in common. My conclusion during my trip was that I wasn't ready to put myself out there again and that it was not fair or proper to meet people because I could inadvertently lead them on. I guess I need to straighten many things out (Why do I want to be in a relationship? Why do I fear abandoment? Why do I have trouble trusting those persons I am emotionally involved with? etc.).

After coming back, I met with S. to tell him that, unfortunately, I was not (am not) over R.G. and was not ready to meet someone else and give them a chance. S. was extremely understanding and we have since then been in contact. Some good things do come from dating :-)

Now I wonder, will R.G. have read this? Or M.I? Uh oh.

So, anyhow, I promised S. he would make a guest appearance in the blog. Perhaps he'll even comment (anonymously).

A.B.

Art...

I marvel at how some artists are capable of nakedly exposing their inner most turmoil in unidimensional fashion. This weekend, I went to MoMA to see the Edvard Munch exhibit. He painted "The Scream", a riveting representation of psychosis.

The exhibit should not be missed as it assembles a variety of the artist's works and gives us more than a glimpse into a life of angst and pain. Most fascinating of all is the "Sick Child and Mother" (I believe this is the title). The mother's pain and the child's innocence are confounded and heartgripping.

Get thee to MoMA.

A.B.

Loss...

Mourning is not for death, it is for loss. And loss comes in many shapes and sizes. I think that one of the most beautiful poems relating to loss is Funeral Blues, of W.H. Auden. It is a powerfully succinct description of what loss is:

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W. H. Auden

Hope you enjoy it.

A.B.

Reality Has Settled In...

Timing, it just can't be manipulated. Sometimes, things are cosmically meant to be, at others, no amount of effort will conjugate two diverging paths.

R.G. and I are in absolute limbo. I am ready and willing to talk about something more substantive and serious, whereas R.G. says that the serious conversations we have been having have instilled in him fear and a desire to place distance between us. His fears of commitment and of intimacy (talk about timing, he just logged on to IM as I am drafting this) seemingly outweigh by far any benefit I may contribute to him and to his happiness. Essentially, I am not fitting into the equation.

I feel resentment and sadness, for it appeared to me that we not only were equals with many interests in common, but that there was also that ever so elusive and hard to define "chemistry". I am at a loss to understand why on Earth someone would allow themselves to miss out on forming a bond with someone they have stated, time and again, is perfect for them.

My friend, L.C. wrote this to me today:

"Big hug to you my dear dear friend. You are the most generous soul that I know and I love you for it. I am sorry that some of my advice sounded harsh today but I hope that you know that it came with the best place possible and with much love and care. Me hearing your stories has made me more sad as it reminds me of where I was a month ago missing the way things used to be with [her guy]. It has taken me longer than I ever thought to "get it" and as sad and heartbreaking it may be right now, it is something that will also put you in a better position. I feel much better for having moved on as you can not make someone care or give you more than they are capable. Sadly for R.G., he is missing out on the best thing that has happened to
him. It is definitely not about you as you are beautiful and wonderful on many levels - please don't ever second guess that!

Love you heaps,

L.C."

She is such a wonderful friend. I wish she were a guy sometimes. I am deciding that I must make the effort to move on. I am, finally, after 2 and a half years, ready for a serious relationship. If the person I wish to form that bond with is not emotionally available and able to do so, I can't sit around and wait to see if he, at any time, will be ready. If the future holds him to be present in my life, it will happen. For the time being, I will need to move on. Now to actually do the moving on.

A.B.

State of Uncertainty...

There is possibly nothing worse than being in a state of uncertainty. To relinquish or to lose control of one's destiny (or what one thinks one is destined to do) has grave implications on your footing.

R.G. and I have had a difficult time recently. His issues about relationships, commitment and intimacy are at the forefront right now. He is deathly afraid of being hurt and suffering another romantic loss. At the same time, he insists, I am perfect for him. Why, even his therapist seems to agree by his own admission. So why hold out? I truly have never understood human nature. Chimeric as it is, and whimsical as we may be despite our rationalizations, we inevitably falter in attempting to grasp at its foundations. Wittgenstein said it best when he referred to each mind being a universe.

If you like someone, are attracted to them, why not take the leap? Haven't we always pulled ourselves up from a break up and, eventually, moved on? Ultimately, any relationship has an emotional price tag to it; no guarantees. Why would you allow that "risk" to prevent you from getting to know and perhaps at some point forming a more enduring connection with someone you find attractive and "perfect"?

For me, that is precisely what makes many gay men jaded: the inability to look at their past and the associated baggage as an experience but not a limitation on their future relationships. Once you become limited or allow yourself to be limited, you become jaded. I've always thought that we all have baggage... some of us know how to pack more neatly than others, that's all.

R.G. and I had had plans on Sunday to have brunch with friends of his and hang out. I called him on Sunday morning but did not hear back from him after our morning conversation. At 7pm, I received a text message with a lengthy message and an apology for not calling. I fumed. How dare he treat me so disrespectfully and with such blatant disregard for my time. I decided not to call him or respond and do so when I was more level-headed.

On Monday, he called me in the late afternoon to apologize and to say that he had spent his entire hour with his therapist talking about me. She told him, if nothing is wrong with him (me), what's the problem R.G.? I told R.G. that it seemed to me that he needs space and that I would let him decide if and when he would like to go out and see me or communicate since I had evidently overwhelmed him with my affections and kindness. As a result, I relinquished control and ceded it to him.

Needless to say I am heartbroken on many levels. Suffice it to say, deep down, you know when you have met someone you know you can forge something meaningful and lasting. R.G. was the second person in New York who has (or had?) that potential.

Alas, I now must hold tight to my promise and wait.

A.B.

That Romance...

That romance has gone well. R.G. and I had a fundamental misunderstanding on whether we were exclusively dating or not, for I had misunderstood when he said back in December that he wasn't going to be dating anyone else that it meant he wanted to be exclusive. Why else would he forgo dating others if not only to date me? Well, given his new job and bouts of unavailability, we had a conversation last week in which he explained that by dating me, he was not prevented from going on a date or being introduced to other guys by his friends.

Well, suffice it to say I welled up, for I thought we were on a more serious level than that. The blow was hard and I have now realized that part of the enchantment has been lost only because of this event. However, I have not given up hope but am now understanding that he and I are dating (going out continuously) and that we will see how things progress.

Last week R.G. and I had dinner with a beloved friend of mine to commemorate her birthday and celebrate. R.G. was funny and even joked about his other "dates", saying that he would let me know when he was on one. I didn't laugh, but when he said that he couldn't help but think of me when he had been on a date, I felt pangs of bittersweetness.

Today, one week later, we had brunch at his place with his friends, the married couple. We had a great time, but now I am not sure whether we are dating or whether we are just hanging out. Perhaps, somewhere, he may be thinking, this guy is too intense for me.

Although a little of the enchantment is gone (it always does tarnish a little), I am hopeful that R.G. and I will continue to go out and get to know each other.

Time, and only time, will tell.

A.B.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all!

A.B.

Absence... it makes the heart grow fonder

And, so it is, that absence is making my heart grow fonder. In all reason, I am in the idealization phase of this, whatever it is. Although there are imperfections which have been duly noted, the ideal is so much greater.

R.G. is still on vacation, although he has thoughtfully e-mailed every evening with tidbits of his activities. It is uplifting to know that you are in the object of your desire's thoughts.

In contemplation of R.G.'s return, I have ordered a delivery of a floral arrangement for him, which will be waiting in his apartment when he walks in. I hope he doesn't find that too excessive, but I wanted to do something to welcome him back home. I also included a handwritten note.

Can't wait to see him on January 3, 2006.

It is going to be a New Year for sure (for me).

A.B.

Whirlwind Romance II

Things with R.G. have gone spectacularly well, so much so, that I have that pleasant sense of unease that the more we get to know each other, the more I want to know and the more enthralled I am as I do.

R.G. has turned out to be much like me: we share the same sense of generosity, the same commitment to the important people in our respective lives -- whether family or friends, sense of humor and mutual respect.

I have known R.G. now for about a month. In that time, I have been away for a week in London. During that week, every moment was spent with R.G. on my mind and invading my thoughts. With no doubt, I felt very nostalgic and out of place roaming the streets of London without him. On the return flight I felt this, that the trip would have been so much better had he been there with me, he and I exploring a city together.

Prior to departing to London, I had shopped for R.G.'s Christmas presents. I had felt an immense desire to get him fabulous gifts that showed how much I cherish him. I went on the lavish side and bought him some very thoughtful gifts, reminiscent of conversations or things he had mentioned he liked. When I presented R.G. with his gifts, he decided to put them under this Christmas tree and wait until my return so that we could open our gifts together.

That happened last night. I cannot say how elated I was to see that R.G. had put in very much thought and time into getting me presents. Granted, the purpose wasn't that he should spend money on me, but the fact that he went out of his way to buy me gifts that were well thought out and evocative blew me away. He knew I liked halls mentholyptus, so he got me two packs and wrapped them so nicely; he also purchased some chocolate powder from the shop where we had our first encounter. R.G. made me feel yesterday like the only guy on Earth and not only that, but, well, loved. Neither has used the "L" word yet, but the reality is, I felt loved and, slightly overwhelmed by his graciousness.

R.G. leaves today on his vacation and I can't help feel like I am going to feel a sense of loss. R.G. will be back, of this I am sure and he will have the same feelings for me as he did yesterday. But, the lack of proximity is heartfelt. It is a bittersweet but, at the same time glorious, sensation for I know that I care for him.

As I dwell on the past persons I have seen, dated, hung out with or whatever each of them called it, and then compare to this marvelous man I am now seeing, I come upon the realization that there is an enormous difference between aspiring to make things work with someone and for things to naturally, almost seamlessly, occur. With R.G., there is no "work" involved, there is only a strong and pressing desire and impulsive curiosity that knows no bounds.

Can this be "L"?

A.B.

A Whirlwind Romance?

It may sound trite, but once you give up on something that for time has caused you solace, it seems that at that precise moment your life changes or begins to change.

I have tried various internet sites for dating (not the hook-up type), such as Match.Com. I had finally decided to become a paying member a couple of months ago hoping to meet quality, dateable men. Well, I had several encounters and met a significant amount of men for a cup of coffee or tea. The proverbial "cup of coffee" to gage whether a guy had any potential. Some I met that seemed to be really nice guys but no spark of romantic interest ensued. This is not to say that I wouldn't mind having these guys in my life as friends, but not the type that I saw fitting into my life in the romantic quadrant.

Over a week ago, I decided to cancel my subscription at the end of its run, December 11. I e-mailed the couple of guys that had e-mailed me or winked at me prior to then. I ended up sending an e-mail to one guy that intrigued me and we set up a coffee date for Sunday at 8. Pretty innocuous one would think, it being a Sunday evening coffee date. We met at a place of his suggestion which turned out to be closed so we went around the corner for a cup of hot chocolate on a cold Sunday night at the Chocolate Shop.

Thereafter followed a pleasant evening, with bits of candor and genuine old fashioned conversation. We were forced to leave around 9.15 when the shop was closing and R.G. asked me to his place for tea. I dubitated only because I thought, 'oh no, this is going to turn into one of those sort of dates' where the quick interest is more related to the physical dimension. I hesitated and accepted, trying to force myself not to jump to conclusions.

We strolled leisurely to his apartment and had a cup of tea, and only a cup of tea. Later that evening, as I walked home I was impressed, and glad, that not only was R.G. a very attractive man, he was apparently not looking for a quick hook-up. I was pleased.

At R.G.'s apartment, he prepared a nice green jasmine tea and we sat down, carrying on with our conversation. He hails from the midwest, came out of a relationship a little over two years ago, hasn't had much success in dating and is interested in finding someone. He also has a playful 2 year-old dog. Our evening came to an end on the corner of Horatio and Greenwich as we gave each other a peck on the lips and parted ways. I was slightly giddy as I walked away and hopeful. I hadn't felt that since M.I.

Since then, we have gone out several more times and he has called me midday during work to come by and have a cup of coffee in the middle of the afternoon. Not only has that been delightful, it has been inspiring. I asked him out to an event, and he accompanied me. My friends met him and thoroughly were impressed. He is gallant. We had a date two days later, interspersed with a coffee date in the midafternoon the day prior, at a sushi place. He liked the restaurant and once again, we had a marvelous conversation.

Friday, we had each already had prior engagements and didn't see each other. But Saturday and Sunday made up for that, with Saturday being a shopping day together and lunch at Cafeteria, followed by a two hour break. That evening he accompanied me to a party in the Village where he met many of my friends. On Sunday, he invited me to brunch at his friends' place. His friends, a young married couple, were wonderful and it felt very natural to be in their company. After brunch, we did a quick stop at Bloomingdale's because R.G. fell in love with a jacket his friend had purchased the day before and after that, we each went home to rest as we were both going, but separately, to the Toys for Tots event at Chelsea Piers.

We did bump into each other at Toys for Tots and then went to his place to order in some pizza. We had dinner, watched some TV and talked. I went home that evening incredibly happy to have met someone decent, stable, professional, handsome and funny. Things seem to be progressing well, but nothing beats the fact that I'm thrilled again, with life and dating. It certainly was about time.

A.B.

My hiatus

I've been bad. I have let work take over my life. Though it isn't fully within my control, I should try to strike a healthy balance.

Unfortunately, it has been quite bad, with vacation requests being declined for the holidays and being subject to demanding clients with no respect for one's time. Weekends on end have been spent on conference calls and working, absolutely insane.

Anyhow, Thanksgiving was nice because even clients find time to leave lawyers alone, thank God. Had a great day and finished it off by watching "Rent", which I fully endorse, don't miss it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

A.B.

Do I have that effect on people?

Remember him? Shortly after it became apparent that my two or three phone calls to him were not going to be answered, he deleted his profile from connexion. I haven't heard from him, I don't think I will, but I wonder, is the effect I have on people to just make them run?

Being bicultural can be a curse, I feel that people just totally and completely misread me. Directness seems to be a germ that gay men run from.

A.B.

Fall arrived...

I knew fall had arrived the day I needed to pull out one of my sweaters to stop the shivering. It was not freezing, nor was it very cold. It had cooled and the coolness had touched me deep inside. Fall had arrived.

Traditionally, the fall has signified for me a time of reflection and contemplation, as the days grow shorter and the night embracing.

I have been pondering something that happened recently given the enormous amounts of time I have spent alone. I bumped into M.I. (see this, this, this and that) at a bar of ill-repute (you know, one of those bars I usually don't go to and have been to perhaps 2 or 3 times in my 4 years in New York). I had honestly gone with a friend that recently moved to New York as a joke, to go to a raunchy place. Well, apparently my concept of ill-repute is either ill-defined or ill-repute is in. I bumped into several acquaintances and M.I. My friend ended up leaving with one of such acquaintances.

M.I. tried to make visual contact at least three times until I acknowledged him. I feigned inability to see him given the darkness. On the fourth try, I fixed my face with a puzzled, almost quixotic, look and he approached. I said hello and introduced my friend; he began a conversation.

In a situation like this, the conversation was almost pre-fabricated, including the 'how are you', 'how have you been', 'how is work', 'work sucks' (him), 'my life sucks' (him), 'don't want to go into it' (him), 'been meaning to call you' (him). "I have been meaning to call you" ? ? ? Why, why, oh why? Such a tainted lie. Whenever I tell someone that I have been meaning to call them, 9 times out of 10 it means I had not been meaning to call you but since I am in front of you and I can see you and you can see me, I will tell you I have been meaning to call you. Plain stupid. That is what I call a game (be it with friends, romantic interests or acquaintances).

Anyhow, he did say that it was a coincidence that we had bumped into each other at this place. Mind you, I do not believe in coincidences, neither in this specific case, nor in any other. I needed to, and cosmically or karmically (however you wish to look at it), I was meant to see him then and there.

Shortly afterwards, M.I. grabbed my hand and pecked me on the lips at least on three different occasions. Perhaps he thought that because we were in a place of ill-repute I had somehow lowered my expectations or was just plain horny for him? I didn't respond, and am sure that my stiff unwavering lips were demonstration enough of my disdain for his intentions (actual or imagined). He parted thereafter and I didn't see him again for the remainder of the evening. He must have left with someone.

So, I ask myself, why did this happen and what am I to do. I know that in any event I won't be contacting M.I., I already promised that to myself. I feel like calling him on this and telling him that he is just terrible in thinking he can toy with a person whenever he feels the need to feel accomplished or desired. It is selfish, it is mean and, above all, hurtful.

It isn't M.I. (I think), it is what he represents and what he is not to me. He is not the person in my life and yet he is a presence. I was attracted to him and genuinely thought he and I could forge something; that has not been the case. He is the player; I feel like the toy.

A.B.

Ain't that the truth

The following article entitled "Poll: Americans becoming ruder in hurry-up world" was published on Friday, October 14, 2005 and Posted at 3:10 p.m. EDT (19:10 GMT) on CNN.com, and isn't it the truth. (I would post the article itself here, but due to copyright/copywrong, I am unable to do so). Perhaps in the microcosm of New York City, the veracity of this article is heightened. Urbania has eaten away at our considerations of appropriate behavior (both in public and in the home), and it is depressing.

People speaking loudly on their cellphones in the most inappropriate of places (the elevator, a coffee shop, a store) and forcing innocent bystanders to partake in their banal conversations; individuals incapable of saying 'thank you' and 'excuse me' left and right; rude women devoid of femininity; men lacking basic gentlemanly skills. It is all appalling, but what is perhaps even more atrocious is the fact that nobody notices anymore, everybody just seems to accept this etiquette-vacuum with no remorse.

Politeness and civility require effort and conscientious devotion. I think it would be a better city if people dedicated some portion of their gray matter to them.

A.B.

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself

I have invited two couples, friends of mine, to dinner in a couple of weeks. I will be cooking a meal and look forward to doing so with slight anxiety. The task of pleasing guests is foreboding to me because I believe that part of the art of entertaining is seamlessness and a feeling of ease throughout the experience. A lot of effort is required to orchestrate seamlessness and ease in an inviting and pleasurable environment. And that is the root of my slight anxiety.

Cooking itself is a therapeutic activity. I usually start off my day by going shopping to get all my ingredients fresh. About 5 hours prior to arrival, I begin preparations by opening a bottle of wine and starting the cooking. The wine really helps to relax and enjoy the cooking. Plus, my dog is always there to accompany (and catch anything that might inadvertently fall to within his reach).

I am thrilled at the prospect of having a delightful evening at home with close friendsand am looking forward to having my friends over. H.P. is invited with his partner and L.M. with his partner. This is the first time I am cooking a meal for them. It will be a Mexican feast.

I've decided to make my purchases at what I now call the Museum of Food: WholeFoodsTM. That alone is quite a trip/tour and I hope not to get too distracted looking at all the shiny things. I have scoped out fresh tortillas in the city (made of white corn and of blue corn) and will be making some real quesdillas and guacamole. Dinner will be refried beans (bayos), arroz a la mexicana and some mole poblano (inappropriately referred to as the "chocolate sauce") over chicken. Mole is more than a chocolate sauce. It is a complex and rich admixture of native (to Mexico) ingredients laboriously combined to render a velvety sauce with hints of peanut and sesame, chocolate and banana, and chiles, all paired with juicy chicken (or turkey). I can't wait to share this with them. And, of course, a bottle of my Vouvray to start, followed by some Monte Xanic Merlot or Merlot/Cabernet Sauvignon mix from Mexico.

I think that what I like most about having friends over is that I have an opportunity to share a part of my history, my culture and gastronomical background and, at the same time, enjoy their wonderful company. I wish I were able to entertain more frequently as an enriching and gratifying time is always had.

In a very dallowayesque manner, I have selected the flowers I will be purchasing the day of the dinner; White Lilies instead of the traditional Mexican Calla Lilly. They are beautifully white and elegant.

A.B.

A Quote from a Quote and a Line from a Book I am reading

I didn't want to forget to write about this. I am reading this book, a fascinating book on the founding fathers and the relationships among them. It is a more personable look at the era and their, at times radical, differences.

The factual and historical aside, the book is insightful with respect to the quotes of personal correspondence and the beauty of the English language when properly used to express. In the chapter on "The Collaborators" where the author describes the Adams-Jefferson relationship and what brings about their "great collaboration" and then their ensuing "collaboration" following certain differences, the author makes reference to several communiqués between John Adams and his wife, Abigail Adams.

One of those letters is a discussion between John and Abigail regarding his probabilities of becoming the President of the United States and whether she would move to the seat of government or remain in Philadelphia. She responds ultimately along the lines that she will go wherever providence dictates as follows: "My Ambition leads me not to be first in Rome" but to "reign in the heart of my husband. That is my throne and there I aspire to be absolute."

I want to write like that. More importantly, I would like to reign in the heart of that special someone and have him reign in mine.

A.B.

Scheduling versus Spontaneity

This has been one of those calmer weekends where plans for better or for worse fell through and those that were not made in advance turned out to be splendid. I wonder at times whether I should force tradition and schedule out much á la New York way -- planning out for weeks in advance. I am much more married to the notion that spontaneity brings more pleasure and ultimately makes activities much more enjoyable. But, given my spontaneity, or desire therefor, this weekend was not as active as may have possibly have been had I planned ahead of time.

Friday I stayed home and finally forced myself out to a bar. I had been waiting for the call that had been promised to me via e-mail on Friday morning from this guy. That call never came and I was disappointed. Serves me right though for putting stock in others. I don't get guys like that.

In any event, Saturday was much the same. I called friends and, of course, they all already had plans (made weeks in advance) to do this or that. I went shopping on Saturday. I needed a dishdrainer from Williams & Sonoma and ended up buying a nice pair of To Boot Adam Derrick shoes which made my day. My sourpuss mood dissipated instantaneously both at the bargain the shoes were and how great the looked (on me!). I felt so much like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City with a pair of Manolos. I was in heaven. I bought some other things at Bed Bath & Beyond (so many gay people there, unfortunately, all partnered or what seemed like partnered) and then decided to sit down at the 24 Diner and have a late lunch. I pulled out my book and ordered. There was something nice about sitting down on my own and having lunch: I observed passersby and also had a chance to ponder things over about my life, job, etc. It was good.

I also went and saw a movie, which brought another smile to my face, Wallace & Gromit The Curse of the Were-Rabbit which is a riot of a playmation movie. If you aren't familiar with Wallace & Gromit, get thee to a DVD store and buy the first three movies. They are sweet and innocent but, at the same time, quirky and piquant. I laughed endlessly and the man in front of me guffawed purposely showing how un-entertaining my movie was. I wanted to slap him silly. Interestingly enough, his friends were enjoying the movie as well.

Today Sunday, my dog needed a bath, so I arranged for a visit to the groomer. In the meantime, I had brunch with my friend C.C., her dad and our friend T.H. and then went window shopping in the Meat Packing District. BTW, brunch at One Little West 12th is quite nice and decently priced.

Now, I am home, ready to rest from what feels like an oddly tiring weekend in which I didn't really do much and preparing to go out to XES to watch Desperate Housewives.

Ah, the simple things in life. Maybe being spontaneous is better. I am exhausted!

A.B.

Meeting guys online, I think I need to rethink that

I have profiles on several websites, so many I now feel, that I may have become an internet-profile-whore. Perhaps people will see my friendster profile, my connexion profile or my gay.com profile and think I am desperate or something? I certainly hope not! Yeah, it would be nice to meet a guy that would have the ability to make you feel giddy and nice and all, but, the reality is those sites also serve a social purpose: making friends or sharing interests.

In any event, about a week ago, I read a profile on one of these sites. The guy, aside from seeming very handsome from his pictures, shared an uncommon amount of similarities with me, among them:

1. Interest in travel, reading, film, fine wine and cooking and dining;
2. Likes Lost, Alias, Desperate Housewives, etc.;
3. Movies that include several of my own, including Woody Allen and Pedro Almodóvar;
4. Southern guy originally;
5. Enjoys a nice night at home.

That is a very succinct bulletpoint summary of the profile. His interest and knowledge of wine for having been involved in a wine publication truly called my attention and made me want to contact him more than anything.

I e-mailed him the following:

I read your profile... And smiled. I could say we have a lot in common, but that would be trite. Oops. Your interest in fine wine and dining, and life at [Magazine Name] caught my attention pretty quickly. I didn't go to the [School Name] course, but took the Kevin Zraly Windows on the World Wine School course (it is about 8 weeks, in 8 2-hour installments) and had a spectacular time learning about wine. I actually met this incredible girl there who has since become a dear friend. I like the communal aspect of wine, the sharing, not the snobbery. [...] I consider myself a well-rounded guy with varied interests. I think that underneath it all is a desire to explore new things and be challenged. I equally enjoy, but for different reasons, going to an exhibit or seeing a Hollywood movie [...]; a burger or a four-course meal. Makes life a lot more fun that way. Have you been to Craft Restaurant? It is one of my favorites so far. Do you have a favorite restaurant in town? Well, as I said, I liked your profile and wanted to drop you a line. If after you've had a chance to view mine you feel inclined to initiate a conversation, please do. I look forward to it. Hope you have a great day, [Name].

So, after that, we have had the proverbial e-mailing back and forth with bouts of cuteness and flirtation (me thinks), but ultimately, not too much follow through. I asked for his phone number five days after the first e-mail and he sent it on over. Today I called and, as in prior experiences, got voicemail. Voicemail can be such a hideous thing when you actually want to talk to someone. As lawyers say, it can be both a sword or a shield. So, unfortunately, I left a message and didn't get a call back. What is the appropriate amount of time to wait before calling back or should I simply wait for him to call back?

Maybe I need to take a step back and go the old fashioned way and not "force" meeting people through the internet because it detracts from the magic and the spontaneity of meeting in the real world. Something to ponder I guess.

A.B.

Internet Merchants are Amazing

That Vouvray arrived in less than 24 hours on my doorstep. I was excited and full of anticipation as I opened my box with the three bottles of:

Domaine de la Haute Borne 2002 Vouvray. Now, I just can't wait to find someone to open a bottle with and enjoy!

A.B.

Daniel (no, that's not the name of a guy I'm dating)

Saturday was a nice escape from the rapidity of life in the city. I went on a date with a guy from out of town, German to be exact, to what, prior to then, I had considered to be the epitomy of pomp and arrogance in restaurant dining in New York: Daniel. Please do not get me wrong, I am not against pomp and arrogance in restaurant dining, it is just that Daniel had seemed too white-glove for me to fathom with any regularity and the occasion had not arisen for me to dine there.

I went into the date, and the restaurant, with not many expectations. With respect to the date, the reality is that he lives in Germany, I live in New York. It will not progress, I know myself.

With respect to Daniel, I was not expecting much based on a prior experience at another famed, albeit newer, Gotham venue: Per Se. Per Se having been a disappointment (Per Se was not bad, it was actually, delicious, it just failed to rise above great and become spectacular and scintillating), I was weary that Daniel too might fall short of amazing and be just a great restaurant. I am happy to report, I was wrong. The meal was a mindfully orchestrated gala, paired (almost) to perfection with an array of wines spanning French whites and California reds. The only wine that was off, to my tasting, was a German red. Germany and red wines do not, in my experience, make a workable marriage.

In addition to the waiter flirting with me quite overtly (and then admitting, "I am more of a BBQ man myself, from New Jersey", forthwith nullifying any attractiveness he may have had due to his sophistication and knowledge of food and wines), my present company attentively hinging on my every word and providing me with engaging and intelligent conversation, I had a feast.

We started off with a masterful (and all this comes from the menu) Duo of Peeky Toe Crab"En Gelée" with Fennel and Cumin-Carrot Foam. That "foam" was heavenly, a true foam and not a gelatinized concoction, it was wispy, light and evanescent in the mouth. That was followed by Paupiette of Black Sea Bass in a Crisp Potato Shell with Tender Leeks and a Syrah Sauce which we were informed was the Daniel signature dish. It lived up to its name as such by all means. The Syrah sauce had the consistency of fine balsamic and the fruit of the Syrah. In combination with the bass and the potato shell, this alone, would have been more than enough. But, of course, I could not, would not, let it get in the way of what was to come. The Duo of Dry-Aged Beef: Braised Short Ribs in Red Wine with Caulfilower Gratin and Seared Rib Eye with Paprika "Pommes Duchesse"and Chanterelles was exploding with flavor, with the tender short rib coming apart at the first touch.

Dessert was not part of the tasting menu we had requested, but from the regular dessert menu. While ordering, the waiter had winked at me and said that for dessert, he would allow us to choose from the regular dessert menu. Both flattered and anticipating the dessert wonders I may experience, I smiled back.

I ordered the Warm Fig Tart with Vietnamese Cinnamon Crème Fraîche Ice Cream and Fig Jam. Wow! That's all I can say.

Above all, Daniel has an old-school feel but a sophistication and glamor that will surely have me back for seconds.

In addition, our dinner was paired with selections by the house of wines. One wine in particular has caught my fancy, a Vouvray from Domaine de la Haute Borne Tendre 2002, which was a symphony to the palate. I have liked it so much that this morning, while searching for that fabulous wine, I came upon and have subsequently become a member of WineFetch.com, a fabulous site to track your wines with internet merchants, notes about your experiences with particular wines and also a wineblog, how cool is that? I also have placed an order for my Vouvray and hope to be sipping it calmly at home shortly in the company of good friends.

As for the German, he went home on Sunday and e-mailed me upon arrival to say he had made it home safely. It is certainly a shame that two nice people who may be attracted to each other must succumb to the realities of distance. He will, however, be back in two weeks and I hope we will have the opportunity to share another evening like Saturday's. Any recommendations out there?

A.B.

Untitled

Today was supposed to be an interesting day. Work was going to be manageable, yesterday had been nice and today I had plans to go to see Fiddler on the Roof on Broadway.

I haven't seen and know little, very little, about the show. All I know is that it's about a father trying to preserve his family's customs and he's jewish. So, today was going to be a culturally enlightening day, because I would learn about a broadway classic and I was going to get in touch with my inner gay, you know the one: that one that knows every single show tune by heart, composer, first date of performance and performer?

Alas, another opportunity lost. Work inevitably got in the way. Oy vey.

A.B.

Politeness is benevolence in small things

Another M.I. anecdote for the blogger annals. So this time, M.I. actually calls me, out of the blue on a Sunday afternoon. My first gut reaction was that it was a booty call. I was angry at myself for thinking that so casually.

Our conversation lasted about 10 minutes with the routine "how have you been", "how's work", etc. He concluded the call with a suggestion to get together for a drink during the course of the following week.

I made the mistake of calling him a couple of days later to follow-up. I thought, why not give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he is genuinely interested in getting to know me (on whichever basis that may be). Of course, I got his voicemail again and left a succinct message.

Since that Sunday call, I haven't heard from M.I.

I have been in situations before where I would much prefer to allow someone's messages to go unanswered, eschew them in hopes a need to address them never arises. I think I have realized that my conduct can be hurtful too and try (I said try) to avoid it. So, as a general rule, I try to respond to voice mail, text messages and e-mails promptly. Even if I would prefer to evade my overwhelming obligation to be polite, I do it, precisely out of politeness and decorum. It is disappointing to me that others do not feel the same way.

I am no longer hurt or worried by M.I.'s actions; I think time has aided me in realizing that I shouldn't give someone power over me and that control to prey on my insecurities or desires perhaps. I think that, again, I feel an enormous disappointment for the class of person's I have allowed myself to be associated with and, on occasion, encouraged or fostered those acquaintances.

No more. I have promised myself not to contact M.I. again. I mean it this time.

A.B.

Mommy dearest

My mother visited for a week last week and I love my mom to death but 10 days is a lengthy stay. Towards the end, I was counting the minutes.

However, we did have a splendid time. I was able to take a week off of work (only to have to come into work two days in the middle, how rotten) to be with her.

I rented a Zipcar for the first time... there is an innate sense of freedom in driving that is indescribable. For those that do not know (yet), Zipcar is this fabulous new service where you register as a member and rent cars, by the hour or per day, and pick them up at strategically placed parking lots throughout the city. For most New Yorkers, having a car is unessential to day to day living. Anyhow, I rented one and took my mother to, where else, Woodbury Commons. The drive was soothing and, even though we got lost, relaxing. (FYI, MapQuest sounds great in theory).

In addition to a wonderful time during her stay, nice dinners alone and with my friends, my mom showed me once again how much she loves me. She accompanied me here to see Desperate Housewives. Reminiscent of this evening, and despite my mom's complete adamance towards loud and boisterous venues, she pulled through and drank her diet cokes.

I will admit I was the one with palpitations. It was joyous to feel her support once more; at the same time, I felt enormous stress as I walked in. My immediate thoughts were "oh my God, people are going to think I am such a geek". Alas, my nerves were quelled as I thought, "perhaps, perhaps not".

Mom and I had a fantastic time and enjoyed the show and she got to meet a couple of my acquaintances.

Now, I miss my mom.

A.B.

P.S. If you know how to avoid comment-spammers, please e-mail me here, as you can tell, I am sort of new at this.

Venting, from the latin Ventus (no, that does not mean to break wind)

So, I had a momentary lapse in judgment with respect to the prior post but boy did that feel good :-o

A.B.

A Word to the Wise

If you are considering becoming a lawyer or an attorney, think twice, particularly if you are thinking big corporate law firm... it is not worth it. Realistically, do you think all this exists just for the fun of it. Law firms, more importantly, partners are more prone to side with a client ($$) than with an associate. So, long hours, and by long hours I am talking about 60+, 70+ or 80+ (billable) a week, aren't a worry... quite the contrary more billables!

Working like a dog is not a bad thing; working like a dog at remedial tasks, say, running redlines or sitting at your desk late at night waiting for clients in case they need something is a waste. Moreso when law firms are equipped to handle these tasks with less qualified (i.e., non-legal degree) persons employed for such administrative tasks.

I AM FED UP WITH THIS SHIT.

A.B.