Weirdness becomes me.

I curse my own stupidity. Saturday morning, a call, V., M.I.'s friend. Dinner Sunday, his place, he and his boyfriend (J.) are cooking and would I mind lending them two folding chairs. 8.00 p.m., bring a bottle of wine. M.I. is coming with F.A., the guy he has been dating. Cringe. Don't go.

Sunday, M.I. calls. Going to dinner tonight? My response, I'm not sure, I may just stay home and relax. No, he says, you should come, it will be fun. As an afterthought, with a hint of warning, he mentions that he will be going with F.A. and that I will get to meet him. Cringe.

V. stops by with J. to pick up the chairs and insists I go. I succumb.

M.I. and F.A. arrive half an hour after I do. F.A. turns out to not only be quite attractive, but nice. M.I. seems nervous and misplaced, almost a character from a Woolf novel. A little anxiety or anticipation, nervousness or awkwardness. I feel slightly more confident. Empowered even. A sense of security is exuded. I become funny, sarcastic and lively.

And then, M.I. asks what I think of F.A., whilst F.A. is seated next to me. It perhaps was not so much the question, but rather the manner in which it was asked. A slight grasp of the shoulders from behind, a breath on my neck, a whisper in my ear, a squeeze of my shoulders. And no answer. A faint "he's nice"; but no honest assessment. A desire of distance and space.

Dinner carries on as I am enveloped in thought and emotion. I observe F.A.'s hand gently caress the back of M.I.'s head. Compunction. The thought flashes through my head. Why am I undeserving of having someone. The thought was not "Why does M.I. have someone", but questioning my self-worth, yet again.

The conversation carries, I continue lost in thought. I feel the weight of a stare. F.A. is observing me as my eyes had begun to glisten. I turn. The stare is broken. I quietly say my goodbyes, thanking the hosts for a lovely evening. M.I. obsequiously says farewell, a hug, several kisses, a squeeze and another embrace. The sense of artificiality too overwhelming.

I slowly make my way home and think of R.G.

A.B.