Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Hoy quiero estar a solo con mi soledad...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

It's an interesting article...

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

For The Bible Tells Me So

I just saw this last night at the New York Premier and invite you all to see it. It opens at the Quad on Friday, October 5, 2007.

Daniel Karslake (of "In The Life" on PBS) has produced, written and directed a documentary entitled 'For the Bible Tells Me So', a movie about biblical interpretation as it pertains to the LGBT community. Our respective religious practices aside, the film is worthy of all the members of our community as a tool to educate and promote acceptance (or, at a minimum, tolerance).

The film's website is here. The trailer is viewable on YouTube(r) here and is a good preview of what's to come. The movie has interviews with Desmond Tutu, Orthodox Rabbi Steve Greenberg and Reverend Jimmy Creech and analyzes religion in the context of five families with an LGBT member.

The first week of a film's opening is generally the most decisive for it to be picked up by distributors and theaters throughout the country. Precisely for the film to make it to the areas of the country (and abroad) where it's impact would be most beneficial, it is of utmost importance that theaters be full during that first week. So, if you can, go see the movie and spread the word and invite friends and family to see it.

I saw the film and was terribly, and deeply, moved by the various stories. Faith has not been a predominant part of my adult life (spirituality, however, has). In recent months I have explored my foundations of faith and this film has been a welcoming eye-opener.

I hope that you enjoy the film as much as I did.

P.S. This is not intended to endorse any religion (or Christianity in particular) or to proselytize. The larger picture of acceptance (or, at a minimum, tolerance) makes this film worthy of everybody's attention.

Friday, August 17, 2007


The last couple of weeks have been nice. Things have developed, but I'll keep that to myself for a little longer.

In the mean time, I am heading home to visit Mom and sister and to catch an art exhibit I have been wanting to see for a couple of years. It will be nice to break away for a couple of days. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder.


Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


July 2007 (to date) - 169 hours
June 2007 - 249 hours
May 2007 - 267 hours
April 2007 - 212 hours
March 2007 - 195 hours

Not inclusive of administrative hours or time spent at work but not billed.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Never Allow Someone To Be Your Priority While You Remain Their Option

Monday, May 07, 2007

A month has gone by since my last post

Wow! I have been meaning to write to myself and haven't. Between attempting to close on my apartment, actually closing following the falling out of my mortgage financing three days prior to closing, finding a replacement lender/mortgage in one day, closing and then moving, well, it was a bit high drama. Add to that those long hours in the office.

In all, despite the challenges, I was able to pull through it all and am now a homeowner and closed my first deal at my new firm without partner scrutiny and supervision. Every time I open the front door, I smile. Things are slowly coming together, unpacking little by little and doing small chores around the apartment. The feeling is nice, of responsibility and duty, but coupled with joy and a sense of reward.

In the dating arena, life is improving. I've met someone I am getting to know and have noticed my trepidation relates to being treated nicely. This guy has been nothing but superb; a surprise picnic in Central Park, chocolates hidden in the refrigerator, postcards mailed from various work destinations, cute text messages, etc. I have felt the unease of suddenly being the focus of someone's attention. In the past, it has always been me the one who has pursued. To suddenly be pursued is odd. And the attention he bestows upon me is something I am trying to accept and enjoy.

My dog has also become an even greater source of joy. He has acclimated to well to the apartment and become more playful and energetic. I have no idea why, but it is certainly fun to walk in and see him with toy in mouth, tail wagging at 1000 RPM.

I am also having my first guest from home. A dear friend of mine, H.D., is back in town on business for ten (10) days. We are so far having a good time. It's fun to have him in the quagmire that is my apartment and wade through the seemingly large number of boxes. He has also started helping me settle in and accompanied me to The Container Store and Homo Depot to get some odds and ends.

Finally, I am having a little respite post-closing for the apartment and for a deal I was on, so I can get around to finishing settling in and doing the whole Handy-man thing at home.


Thursday, April 12, 2007

You live it, you own it, the silver lining is seen

About a month and a half ago, I met a guy at a bar. We ended up going out on three dates. I thought he was nice and would have continued seeing him, but for the fact that he didn't make an effort to ask me out on a date after the third date. A week or two went by, and I called him and asked if he was interested in going out again or if his silence/absence meant something.

He said he was going to be honest with me. His response was that I reminded him too much of someone that had hurt him and that it was difficult for him. I told him I understood what he was saying, and what he was feeling. He said that, nonetheless, he would like to go out if I was interested. I told him I would call him the following week.

I didn't call him. Though I understood what it is like to date someone who is a constant reminder of some former date/boyfriend/significant other, I also know that until you are over it, any new person you meet probably won't measure up to that person. I speak, of course, from personal experience, where I have been the one doing the comparing. Perhaps I jump to quickly to judgment, but it seems to me that the assumption is fair.

I felt bad for not calling him. Such an uneasy thing to do, to tell someone "no go". But, this person was and had been nice, and certainly continues to be a nice guy. I felt that somehow, an explanation was in order. Two days ago, I sent him the following e-mail:


Sorry for not calling. I feel bad for not at least giving you an explanation, so here goes. After we spoke, I thought a lot about the whole thing. Reminding you of someone that hurt you makes me uncomfortable. I feel I would be competing with the specter of a past relationship and not be genuinely given a chance. I know this, because I too have been through a similar situation. For a while in my life, nobody that I med [sic] could live up to that specter. I don't want to go through that.

I am very sorry, I think you are a very nice and handsome guy. But, for the time being, I don't think we are at the same place.

I wish you the best.


I chose e-mail because in honesty, it felt safe and sufficiently removed. I was amazed at the response I received late last evening:


Thank you for writing me. I had wondered if you were feeling uncomfortable. I understand and respect the position you don’t want to be in. I am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. But, thank you for letting me be honest and then being honest in return. For a silver lining I think we’re both better humans for it.

I also wish you the best.


I was very thankful that his response was so mature and level-headed. Now, if only the majority of guys I dated could be the same.


Thursday, April 05, 2007

Friday, March 23, 2007


Therapy (both individual and group) has helped shed much light on my thought processes. To explore one's upbringing and reactions to understand the why's and what's of our lives is challenging, saddening, difficult and revelatory.

My latest revelation, if we can call it that, was realizing that I am my own worst critic in a very unhealthy manner. I have always thought that the ability to be self-critical (in general) is an important trait, almost a virtue. To be able to look at oneself from the outside and judge (objectively, kindly) is a conscious act; to do so is to affirmatively want to better oneself.

In my case, however, I have taken this ability to be self-critical to new dimensions. And therapy has begun to show me this. What others see as accomplishments and goals to be proud of, I see as mere completion of tasks. Be first in class, check. Get scholarship, check. Move to New York, check. Finish studies, check. Get job at New York law firm, check. Lose 40 lbs, check. Buy apartment, check. Tasks, not accomplishments. The satisfaction attained is minimal because I have viewed these things as a duty not a goal; there is no pride or joy associated. Quite grim. Furthermore, once finished, I look back only to think that I didn't do it right, that the act of finishing it wasn't gargantuan or special or praiseworthy, it could have been done better, quicker.

Through my sessions it has become apparent that these "duties" others see as accomplishments (magnificent or minute, regardless) that I should stop to enjoy. My immediate reaction to finishing something is to look and see what is next on the list and to begin to fret about it and plan around it.

So, lately, I've been trying to stop, think and smile. I stop from my activities, think about something I've done and smile about it. It sounds lame, sometimes it feels artificial, but pausing to ponder about something, like my apartment, or my new job, makes it worthy.


Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Movie Recommendation

If you have not yet had the opportunity to see "The Lives of Others" (Das Leben der Anderen), I would suggest you do. This is a movie on issues relevant to our times: freedom of speech, repression, liberty of conscience.

Not only was I stupefied throughout the movie because of the power it evokes, I could not help but understand each character, his/her motivations and fears, and hopes.

I highly recommend this film and will be purchasing it on DVD. It certainly deserved an Oscar.


Saturday, March 03, 2007

This week and then fuck 'em and then go Jen

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Work has, yet again, overtaken my life. But, instead of being resentful, I must say, I wasn't terribly angered. The difference, I suppose, is that my new work environment is filled with people who say such things as "I'm really sorry you had to stay late last night, but I really do appreciate it," and "It seems we are going to have to work this weekend, I know it's a pain, but let's try to get this done as fast as possible to salvage some personal time."

My prior law firm was of the not so uncommon variety where those pleasantries, that consideration for others, just didn't exist. So yeah, it sucks to work until 5 am two days in a row, to work a weekend straight through, but at least people acknowledge that it's tough, they apologize for it and they try to make the best of it. Yes, it is part of my job, demanding clients, demanding hours, fickle clients, etc. But, at least my team (my new team) knows it and acknowledges it.

Last night my friend CDK invited me to see Grey Gardens, with his boyfriend and their friend E.S. We enjoyed the show, quite depressing actually, but a great show nonetheless. Around the world...

Today, I got to go to the gym, after ages of not having been there. And then ran home to walk my pooch, to then head to the office to work. I saw scheduled to have a date this evening with a gentleman I had met online and gone out with three times before. I called him in the afternoon to let him know I was at work, that I had arrived at 1 pm and was hoping to make it out no later than 7 pm to make it to our 7.30 pm movie.

Inevitably, the senior associate needed this, he needed that, could I send this out, etc. and 7 pm rolled around. At 7.10 I grabbed my things, ordered a car and ran downstairs. While I was in the lobby I called my date and told him I was running a bit late, had gotten stuck at the office but was just waiting for the car service to arrive. He asked "What does that mean?", and I responded that a car would be picking me up and taking me to the theater. I offered "If you would like, go into the theater, you can leave my ticket at the box office, and I will come in and find you." He said ok and we hung up. I put my phone in my pocket and got into the car. I showed up at the theater in Union Square at 7.28 pm. I asked for my ticket and was informed that there was no ticket in that name. I walked outside, tried to find my date and didn't see him. So I grabbed my phone to call him and saw that I had a missed call and voicemail.

I checked my voicemail. It was my date. The message was as follows:

"Hey A.B. it's [DATE], I'm calling you right back. I'm gonna suggest we skip it tonight. I have been through this so many times, I just have different priorities. You have your priorities, they are different. I have done this too many times where people are always just putting themselves first. It ends up being imbalanced, catering to them and their needs. We are very busy people and have to make choices on how to spend our time. I get tired trying to compensate. So I think we should just skip it. I'm gonna go home and relax. It's been a busy week for me as well, in a different way. Nevertheless, I could just see your priorities are different. I hope you make the right decisions and are happy. Bye."

I of course called him immediately, with my call going directly to voicemail to say that I had arrived at 7.29 pm, I was sorry I was late, but that I couldn't just chuck work. It is unfortunate, but I just can't do that. I tried my best and called to let him know I was running late. I wished him a good night and hung up.

So, a little info on the DATE. He is 41, from the midwest, works in the financial industry and has a job with predictable hours (read 9 to 6). I, and I am very candid about this, am young in my career, expected to put in the extra effort/miles/etc. I am not my own boss and don't set my hours. I can try to manage, but I am not the ultimate decision maker. Anyhow, it is clear to me that he and I will not be seeing each other again. Regardless, for a 41 year old man to act like a child and so capriciously (read temper tantrum) is indicative of a future I would want no part in.

Then I bought a ticket to see Dreamgirls. Boy can that Jennifer Hudson belt a tune! Plus, I just realized that I had seen Jenniver Hudson at a benefit for Actor's Equity, she was Jewel in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. She was fantastic in both. I hope she does well.

Now, I'm off to a bar, with friends, to have fun. I work like a dog, I'm entitled to a couple of drinks, some fun times and oogling.


Friday, February 23, 2007

A Done Deed

At 3.15 pm today, I delivered my purchase agreement and down payment for my apartment. Closing is scheduled to occur in mid-April. I've lined up my mortgage bank and locked in a rate. Now, I need to wait for closing. This is a very odd feeling.

Also, today is day 30 of not smoking! I am feeling cravings because I have been staffed on three transactions, all seem to need some degree of attention at the same time, while I was trying to finalize the purchase agreement and the mortgage matter. But, now that that has been accomplished, I am ready to tackle work.

Tomorrow I am supposed to be seeing "The Apple Tree". I hope it is good.


Wednesday, February 21, 2007


I have been quite busy with my switch and matters relating to the apartment I am purchasing. In addition, I have been entertaining a guest; a dear friend from back home; straight; the first person I ever told "I'm gay". H.D. has been a friend through thick and thin, and though we have had our differences, we have always rescued our friendship.

I have been entertaining random thoughts of sadness, depression, relief, hope, angst and disappointment. After my last call with W.W., I have not heard back from him. We were supposed to do something later in the week. Again, I despair. And I despair at our collective inability to be forthright with each other and honest. To not be attracted to someone is not offensive; to like someone but not feel chemistry is not wrong. Why can't we just say these things? I am disappointed because once more I have ended up in a situation where I developed some hopes about someone and that did not come to fruition. I am saddened.

This time, I will implement the lesson I have learned. I won't call him, I won't try to make things better, or prove myself worthy of his attention. I will let this go, now, and in the future.

Today is day 28 of not smoking. Yesterday, February 20, I switched over to the 14 mg patch. I had been using the 21 mg patch. I am definitely feeling the change; I perceive the lowering of the dosage because I am antsy.

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my grandmother's passing and the 8th anniversary of my becoming an attorney back home. Today, I will be signing the purchase agreement for my apartment. I will do this alone. Not exactly how I had planned or hoped that this would happen, but the time has come.

H.D. and I had the most amazing dinner at Lupa on Monday. I had been wanting to take him there during his last couple of trips, but for one reason or another, hadn't made it happen. He loved my suggestion and we caught up for 3 hours and went back home. I'm lucky to have him as a friend; if only he were gay. He was metrosexual way before the word was coined. He actually was my first adult crush. He knows it and we often joke about it. I call him princess.