I Had A Bad Day

Seemed to be going well, was in fairly good spirits and ended up going to the gym. My New Year's resolutions this year included, among others, losing more weight and going to the gym. I hired a personal trainer and have been assiduous about my appointments (two a week) and trying to go on my own to do some exercise. It seems to be working.

However, I attend the same gym R.G. goes to. I have been a member for about 3 years and had stopped going and then decided to start going as part of my resolution. In addition, it is the "gayer" of the gyms in the city, so, it is refreshing to see more gay guys and serves as an incentive.

This evening, I got out relatively early from the office and went to the gym. I didn't expect to see R.G. as he had told me over a week ago he would be away this week on business, so I didn't think much of it.

I arrived at the gym, changed and headed up to start weight-lifting. Half way through my routine, I saw he was there and eventually he walked by, sufficiently far away that it wasn't really necessary to say hello. He did, however, seem to look in my direction twice. I was listening to my iPod and lifting away, so I didn't interrupt to say hello or wave a hand. Since I had this sensation that he has been avoiding me (I had asked him out over a week ago, he said he would get back to me, he didn't follow up, I e-mailed him and he cancelled without offering a raincheck), I didn't really make an effort to say hello. It seemed like he was leaving, so I thought ok, now that's over.

He ended up coming back up to do cardio and we inevitably saw each other, so it was a forced hello. I felt uncomfortable because, although I am hurt, I certainly still have feelings for the guy. It is an extremely difficult situation for me that I simply do not know how to graciously handle without coming across as rude or impolite or spiteful. I was walking towards the water fountain and just lifted my hands and said hello with my eyes. I didn't know if it was appropriate or not. I then returned to finish my abdominals and on the way back, saw him again on the treadmill, so I walked up and said hello and asked "How's it going", at which time he removed his head phones. I repeated "How's it going", he faintly said "ok" and I said, "Well, gotta go". It was awkward and uncomfortable.

I saw him again in the locker room as I was drying my hair and we barely acknowledged each other. I got dressed and left while he was probably showering.

I think it all boils down to not having had any form of closure. My therapist says that although closure is a nicety, we aren't necessarily entitled to it. Although that may be true, sometimes one good punch is better than several small ones.

Funny, I haven't really mentioned my therapy here before. I sort of felt it was a form of weakness or mental debility. I have been going for some time now and the underlying theory is that we all, to lesser or greater degrees, have behavioral patterns that we sometimes are not aware of and that reverberate in our lives. We tend to repeat that with which we are comfortable, almost inevitably with the same exasperating results. I've pinpointed some of my patterns but have had trouble correcting them. Part of the process is, precisely, to write out what it is that affects me.

I try to convince myself that R.G. has already abandoned me. Abandonment is one of my greater fears, it traces back to an absent paternal figure, people coming and going in my life with no permanence in my life and a perceived abandonment of my mother, who always saw me as the stronger child that didn't need supervision or nurturing. Ouch. So, with R.G., the fear was that he would not be a part of my life. Now that that result has materialized, I should be able to move on. My greatest fear is present and I am still here. If it hasn't killed you, it will make you stronger. But, I am constantly reminded of R.G. (and I constantly remind myself of R.G.) and that does not help to move on.

I felt embarassed and ashamed today when I saw him, and I do not know why. Why should I be ashamed or embarassed? I think I feel that I screwed it up. In the sense that I had someone good (or that I thought was good at the time) and sabotaged it. I guess that is something I will need to think about heartily in the days to come.

Alas, it wasn't the best of days.

A.B.