Fall arrived...

I knew fall had arrived the day I needed to pull out one of my sweaters to stop the shivering. It was not freezing, nor was it very cold. It had cooled and the coolness had touched me deep inside. Fall had arrived.

Traditionally, the fall has signified for me a time of reflection and contemplation, as the days grow shorter and the night embracing.

I have been pondering something that happened recently given the enormous amounts of time I have spent alone. I bumped into M.I. (see this, this, this and that) at a bar of ill-repute (you know, one of those bars I usually don't go to and have been to perhaps 2 or 3 times in my 4 years in New York). I had honestly gone with a friend that recently moved to New York as a joke, to go to a raunchy place. Well, apparently my concept of ill-repute is either ill-defined or ill-repute is in. I bumped into several acquaintances and M.I. My friend ended up leaving with one of such acquaintances.

M.I. tried to make visual contact at least three times until I acknowledged him. I feigned inability to see him given the darkness. On the fourth try, I fixed my face with a puzzled, almost quixotic, look and he approached. I said hello and introduced my friend; he began a conversation.

In a situation like this, the conversation was almost pre-fabricated, including the 'how are you', 'how have you been', 'how is work', 'work sucks' (him), 'my life sucks' (him), 'don't want to go into it' (him), 'been meaning to call you' (him). "I have been meaning to call you" ? ? ? Why, why, oh why? Such a tainted lie. Whenever I tell someone that I have been meaning to call them, 9 times out of 10 it means I had not been meaning to call you but since I am in front of you and I can see you and you can see me, I will tell you I have been meaning to call you. Plain stupid. That is what I call a game (be it with friends, romantic interests or acquaintances).

Anyhow, he did say that it was a coincidence that we had bumped into each other at this place. Mind you, I do not believe in coincidences, neither in this specific case, nor in any other. I needed to, and cosmically or karmically (however you wish to look at it), I was meant to see him then and there.

Shortly afterwards, M.I. grabbed my hand and pecked me on the lips at least on three different occasions. Perhaps he thought that because we were in a place of ill-repute I had somehow lowered my expectations or was just plain horny for him? I didn't respond, and am sure that my stiff unwavering lips were demonstration enough of my disdain for his intentions (actual or imagined). He parted thereafter and I didn't see him again for the remainder of the evening. He must have left with someone.

So, I ask myself, why did this happen and what am I to do. I know that in any event I won't be contacting M.I., I already promised that to myself. I feel like calling him on this and telling him that he is just terrible in thinking he can toy with a person whenever he feels the need to feel accomplished or desired. It is selfish, it is mean and, above all, hurtful.

It isn't M.I. (I think), it is what he represents and what he is not to me. He is not the person in my life and yet he is a presence. I was attracted to him and genuinely thought he and I could forge something; that has not been the case. He is the player; I feel like the toy.

A.B.