Feeling The Pangs of Indifference

Slowly, frustration and resentment begin to transform into indifference. Indifference is not a bad thing. It is a distance sufficiently removed from a person, an object or a thing so as to feel neither good nor ill will. WordNet defines indifference:

"indifference n

1: unbiased impartial unconcern

2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions [...]

3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally [...]
4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of
concern [...]

Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University"

My mother and father had a very troubled marriage. Nowadays, my mother would be considered an abused wife. We, in turn, children of an abusive father, physically and verbally. My mother's fortitude following the end of that marriage, and her courage in finally breaking free, are something I have always respected and admired. She married at 22 and says that during her marriage, she just didn't know better. In some remote part of myself, I feel pity for her not knowing better. We appear and represent ourselves to be such strong, courageous, self-assured individuals that it is almost incomprehensible why one would put up with treatment like that she endured.

And then, I look at myself and feel much the same pity I have, on occasion, felt for her. I am no weakling, no push-over. Or, is that how I think of myself? Why has my tolerance level not been breached yet with R.G. and the other men I have dated? I by no means intend to equate what my mother went through with my experiences with these guys, but ultimately, the underlying reasoning is much the same. If a person does not treat you in the manner you need and expect, aren't you, in much the same way, accepting and condoning some form of mistreatment?

I am terribly saddened that things with R.G. didn't work out. For many, many reasons. I thought that he could be part of my life in a grander scale; he had what it takes. For some reason or another, he didn't feel that with respect to me. And sometimes, you just can't explain your reasons. The reason's of the heart are sometimes inexplicable.

But following our not working out, R.G. has adopted, in my view, a very questionable manner of comporting himself. To ignore a person, avoid them, fail to respond to a call or a message, is rude. That rudeness may not necessarily be intentional in and of itself, but rather a form of eluding the issue in hopes the matter will go away, but it is still perceived as rudeness. It is sad that things could not have been handled in a more civilized fashion because I would have loved to have him in my life as a friend, if nothing more.

And so, as time goes by, I am beginning to feel indifference grow in me. I don't feel ill-will towards R.G., I don't feel like embracing him to show some modicum of affection. I am just seeing another human being, like countless others.

My mother is, as you may well imagine, a wise woman. Following her divorce, she did feel resentful, spiteful and, perhaps, even hatred towards her ex-husband (ok, ok, my father). But, with time, she grew indifferent. She summarizes it well, with a brush of wisdom: the opposite of love and affection is not hatred. Hatred demonstrates that one still has feelings for a person, albeit negative. The opposite of love and affection is indifference; the lack of any feelings.

A.B.