State of Uncertainty...

There is possibly nothing worse than being in a state of uncertainty. To relinquish or to lose control of one's destiny (or what one thinks one is destined to do) has grave implications on your footing.

R.G. and I have had a difficult time recently. His issues about relationships, commitment and intimacy are at the forefront right now. He is deathly afraid of being hurt and suffering another romantic loss. At the same time, he insists, I am perfect for him. Why, even his therapist seems to agree by his own admission. So why hold out? I truly have never understood human nature. Chimeric as it is, and whimsical as we may be despite our rationalizations, we inevitably falter in attempting to grasp at its foundations. Wittgenstein said it best when he referred to each mind being a universe.

If you like someone, are attracted to them, why not take the leap? Haven't we always pulled ourselves up from a break up and, eventually, moved on? Ultimately, any relationship has an emotional price tag to it; no guarantees. Why would you allow that "risk" to prevent you from getting to know and perhaps at some point forming a more enduring connection with someone you find attractive and "perfect"?

For me, that is precisely what makes many gay men jaded: the inability to look at their past and the associated baggage as an experience but not a limitation on their future relationships. Once you become limited or allow yourself to be limited, you become jaded. I've always thought that we all have baggage... some of us know how to pack more neatly than others, that's all.

R.G. and I had had plans on Sunday to have brunch with friends of his and hang out. I called him on Sunday morning but did not hear back from him after our morning conversation. At 7pm, I received a text message with a lengthy message and an apology for not calling. I fumed. How dare he treat me so disrespectfully and with such blatant disregard for my time. I decided not to call him or respond and do so when I was more level-headed.

On Monday, he called me in the late afternoon to apologize and to say that he had spent his entire hour with his therapist talking about me. She told him, if nothing is wrong with him (me), what's the problem R.G.? I told R.G. that it seemed to me that he needs space and that I would let him decide if and when he would like to go out and see me or communicate since I had evidently overwhelmed him with my affections and kindness. As a result, I relinquished control and ceded it to him.

Needless to say I am heartbroken on many levels. Suffice it to say, deep down, you know when you have met someone you know you can forge something meaningful and lasting. R.G. was the second person in New York who has (or had?) that potential.

Alas, I now must hold tight to my promise and wait.

A.B.