It has been quite a week, busy with work and all. After a nice and calming weekend in which I attended two parties, Monday felt like payback for an enjoyable weekend.
At Saturday's party, I actually met C (a/k/a "Secret Squirrel Agent 000"), an incredibly smart and wonderful person and her husband (a very, very smart guy). We had a fascinating conversation on the crossroads of economics and psychology, the "rationality" of consumers and meditation. You know, your typical New York conversation.
I had a blast at the party and so told S. It was a lot of fun. I met one of S's friends, a very nice chap, handsome, engaging, funny and slightly giddy. He was very kind and prepared me a drink and we started a conversation and throughout the evening continued bumping into each other and talking. He seemed like a nice guy, the type I might (may) pursue. The one if is that he does not live in New York. I have always thought that long-distance romantic relationships are difficult. Then again, I thought tattoos were unattractive (and dated a person who had one and found it so sexy). I guess I will just try not to think too much or overanalyze as I tend to do. Maybe my therapist will have some insight.
As for M.I., we had brunch on Saturday and all is back to normal, thankfully. He is even telling me about a guy he likes and his sort of dating. I do the same.
Back to work.
A.B.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
Just can't get this one out of my head
So, I loved the song "Beautiful" by James Blunt. So what, mainstream has influenced my musical tastes, shoot me. In any event, only a week ago did I decide to buy the album at Tower Records. I thought, what the hell, maybe the guy is actually talented.
I have listened, over and over, and over again, to the album and downloaded it to my nifty little iPod. But there is one song that has gotten to me and I cannot get it out of my head. It's entitled "Goodbye My Lover". These are the lyrics which I have found quite powerful.
So, call me a romantic, but this pretty much sums it up.
A.B.
I have listened, over and over, and over again, to the album and downloaded it to my nifty little iPod. But there is one song that has gotten to me and I cannot get it out of my head. It's entitled "Goodbye My Lover". These are the lyrics which I have found quite powerful.
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
©2004 Custard Records
So, call me a romantic, but this pretty much sums it up.
A.B.
Friday, April 21, 2006
One of the gayest things ever...
I have a running list of activities I would like to do. Each year, as it begins, I write out things I haven't done that I would like to try to accomplish. This year's list is quite extensive and more keeps getting added on as the days go by and ideas creep into my head.
So, for example, this year I proposed to go to the gym and to lose weight. Both are being accomplished, I have lost 15 lbs since January 1 and have been keeping regularly scheduled appointments with the trainer.
In addition, I penciled in the following activities: learn to scuba dive, learn to sky dive, do bungee jumping, go to a shooting range, try a cheese tasting at Artisanal, take up Tae Kwon Do again. So far this year, I already learned, and got certified in, scuba diving. Yippee! Any divers out there?
I did that back in March, took a week off and went to Grand Cayman. It was a fabulous trip, ate like a king (lost one pound though!) and learned to Scuba. The experience was amazing and I am glad I finally did it. Plus, I do feel proud of myself for setting a goal and accomplishing it. That, and I have opened up new horizons.
A couple of years ago, I took a wine tasting class (quite lengthy, it was an eight-installment course, two hours each installment). I met my dear friend L.C. at that course!
So, my list for this year has shortened since I have checked off Scuba Diving. Instead of now concentrating on the additional activities I have set up for myself, yesterday, as I was reading TimeOut, I read an article on p 56 of this week's edition (551) on "Zen and the art of flower arranging". Now, I am adding it to the list. Now remember, it is a running list and I can (and have) carried activities over to the following year. But the thought of actually learning to make a floral arrangement for my home is something I think would be novel and calming at the same time.
It is, however, one of the gayest things ever, but maybe it will be a venue for a creative side in me I don't know exists?
A.B.
So, for example, this year I proposed to go to the gym and to lose weight. Both are being accomplished, I have lost 15 lbs since January 1 and have been keeping regularly scheduled appointments with the trainer.
In addition, I penciled in the following activities: learn to scuba dive, learn to sky dive, do bungee jumping, go to a shooting range, try a cheese tasting at Artisanal, take up Tae Kwon Do again. So far this year, I already learned, and got certified in, scuba diving. Yippee! Any divers out there?
I did that back in March, took a week off and went to Grand Cayman. It was a fabulous trip, ate like a king (lost one pound though!) and learned to Scuba. The experience was amazing and I am glad I finally did it. Plus, I do feel proud of myself for setting a goal and accomplishing it. That, and I have opened up new horizons.
A couple of years ago, I took a wine tasting class (quite lengthy, it was an eight-installment course, two hours each installment). I met my dear friend L.C. at that course!
So, my list for this year has shortened since I have checked off Scuba Diving. Instead of now concentrating on the additional activities I have set up for myself, yesterday, as I was reading TimeOut, I read an article on p 56 of this week's edition (551) on "Zen and the art of flower arranging". Now, I am adding it to the list. Now remember, it is a running list and I can (and have) carried activities over to the following year. But the thought of actually learning to make a floral arrangement for my home is something I think would be novel and calming at the same time.
It is, however, one of the gayest things ever, but maybe it will be a venue for a creative side in me I don't know exists?
A.B.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Recognition
I am receiving an award next week for my work and contributions in assisting a client to apply for political asylum in the United States. The organization giving me the award is the organization that referred my client to the firm I work at.
At first, I reacted negatively to the thought of receiving an accolade. A variety of reasons jumped to mind: we have not yet filed the documents to the case; I am just doing my job, what anybody else would do; I am no more special than the 100s of other attorneys that do pro bono, etc.
It really wasn't until yesterday evening that I started to look forward to the event (scheduled for next week). I have never been good with compliments, they make me inherently uncomfortable. It turns out that because I feel "unworthy" and "defective" I have trouble accepting a compliment or an award.
So, I have decided to embrace the opportunity and accept that sometimes, I do deserve to be recognized for something. We'll be filing papers for my client soon and I hope we get asylum quickly, for his good sake. He is an angel and has taught me a lot. His life puts me and mine in such utter perspective.
A.B.
At first, I reacted negatively to the thought of receiving an accolade. A variety of reasons jumped to mind: we have not yet filed the documents to the case; I am just doing my job, what anybody else would do; I am no more special than the 100s of other attorneys that do pro bono, etc.
It really wasn't until yesterday evening that I started to look forward to the event (scheduled for next week). I have never been good with compliments, they make me inherently uncomfortable. It turns out that because I feel "unworthy" and "defective" I have trouble accepting a compliment or an award.
So, I have decided to embrace the opportunity and accept that sometimes, I do deserve to be recognized for something. We'll be filing papers for my client soon and I hope we get asylum quickly, for his good sake. He is an angel and has taught me a lot. His life puts me and mine in such utter perspective.
A.B.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Feeling The Pangs of Indifference
Slowly, frustration and resentment begin to transform into indifference. Indifference is not a bad thing. It is a distance sufficiently removed from a person, an object or a thing so as to feel neither good nor ill will. WordNet defines indifference:
My mother and father had a very troubled marriage. Nowadays, my mother would be considered an abused wife. We, in turn, children of an abusive father, physically and verbally. My mother's fortitude following the end of that marriage, and her courage in finally breaking free, are something I have always respected and admired. She married at 22 and says that during her marriage, she just didn't know better. In some remote part of myself, I feel pity for her not knowing better. We appear and represent ourselves to be such strong, courageous, self-assured individuals that it is almost incomprehensible why one would put up with treatment like that she endured.
And then, I look at myself and feel much the same pity I have, on occasion, felt for her. I am no weakling, no push-over. Or, is that how I think of myself? Why has my tolerance level not been breached yet with R.G. and the other men I have dated? I by no means intend to equate what my mother went through with my experiences with these guys, but ultimately, the underlying reasoning is much the same. If a person does not treat you in the manner you need and expect, aren't you, in much the same way, accepting and condoning some form of mistreatment?
I am terribly saddened that things with R.G. didn't work out. For many, many reasons. I thought that he could be part of my life in a grander scale; he had what it takes. For some reason or another, he didn't feel that with respect to me. And sometimes, you just can't explain your reasons. The reason's of the heart are sometimes inexplicable.
But following our not working out, R.G. has adopted, in my view, a very questionable manner of comporting himself. To ignore a person, avoid them, fail to respond to a call or a message, is rude. That rudeness may not necessarily be intentional in and of itself, but rather a form of eluding the issue in hopes the matter will go away, but it is still perceived as rudeness. It is sad that things could not have been handled in a more civilized fashion because I would have loved to have him in my life as a friend, if nothing more.
And so, as time goes by, I am beginning to feel indifference grow in me. I don't feel ill-will towards R.G., I don't feel like embracing him to show some modicum of affection. I am just seeing another human being, like countless others.
My mother is, as you may well imagine, a wise woman. Following her divorce, she did feel resentful, spiteful and, perhaps, even hatred towards her ex-husband (ok, ok, my father). But, with time, she grew indifferent. She summarizes it well, with a brush of wisdom: the opposite of love and affection is not hatred. Hatred demonstrates that one still has feelings for a person, albeit negative. The opposite of love and affection is indifference; the lack of any feelings.
A.B.
"indifference n
1: unbiased impartial unconcern
2: apathy demonstrated by an absence of emotional reactions [...]
3: the trait of lacking enthusiasm for or interest in things generally [...]
4: the trait of remaining calm and seeming not to care; a casual lack of
concern [...]Source: WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University"
My mother and father had a very troubled marriage. Nowadays, my mother would be considered an abused wife. We, in turn, children of an abusive father, physically and verbally. My mother's fortitude following the end of that marriage, and her courage in finally breaking free, are something I have always respected and admired. She married at 22 and says that during her marriage, she just didn't know better. In some remote part of myself, I feel pity for her not knowing better. We appear and represent ourselves to be such strong, courageous, self-assured individuals that it is almost incomprehensible why one would put up with treatment like that she endured.
And then, I look at myself and feel much the same pity I have, on occasion, felt for her. I am no weakling, no push-over. Or, is that how I think of myself? Why has my tolerance level not been breached yet with R.G. and the other men I have dated? I by no means intend to equate what my mother went through with my experiences with these guys, but ultimately, the underlying reasoning is much the same. If a person does not treat you in the manner you need and expect, aren't you, in much the same way, accepting and condoning some form of mistreatment?
I am terribly saddened that things with R.G. didn't work out. For many, many reasons. I thought that he could be part of my life in a grander scale; he had what it takes. For some reason or another, he didn't feel that with respect to me. And sometimes, you just can't explain your reasons. The reason's of the heart are sometimes inexplicable.
But following our not working out, R.G. has adopted, in my view, a very questionable manner of comporting himself. To ignore a person, avoid them, fail to respond to a call or a message, is rude. That rudeness may not necessarily be intentional in and of itself, but rather a form of eluding the issue in hopes the matter will go away, but it is still perceived as rudeness. It is sad that things could not have been handled in a more civilized fashion because I would have loved to have him in my life as a friend, if nothing more.
And so, as time goes by, I am beginning to feel indifference grow in me. I don't feel ill-will towards R.G., I don't feel like embracing him to show some modicum of affection. I am just seeing another human being, like countless others.
My mother is, as you may well imagine, a wise woman. Following her divorce, she did feel resentful, spiteful and, perhaps, even hatred towards her ex-husband (ok, ok, my father). But, with time, she grew indifferent. She summarizes it well, with a brush of wisdom: the opposite of love and affection is not hatred. Hatred demonstrates that one still has feelings for a person, albeit negative. The opposite of love and affection is indifference; the lack of any feelings.
A.B.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Communication Isn't a One Way Street
I attempted calling R.G. on Friday, twice. I ended up leaving voicemails that went along the lines of the following:
"Hi R.G., it's A.B., I was hoping we could chat. Give me a call when you have a chance. I hope all is well".
followed by
"Hi R.G., I called you because I hoped we could talk. I was hoping we could be friends but I have this sense that you have been avoiding me and all. It's been a bit awkward lately, but if you think we can be friends and would like that, let me know, one way or the other. You know where to reach me. Take care, A.B."
I thought, at worst, R.G. can at least maintain a friendship, but I think that even that is dashed.
I have not received a response to my voicemails. One would think that communication is the basis for any form of a relationship. But, R.G. has been reticent to communicate anything. I am perplexed. Or perhaps, not perplexed, but realizing that R.G. handles ending a relationship by not looking back or not attempting to keep the good or recover what is recoverable.
A.B.
"Hi R.G., it's A.B., I was hoping we could chat. Give me a call when you have a chance. I hope all is well".
followed by
"Hi R.G., I called you because I hoped we could talk. I was hoping we could be friends but I have this sense that you have been avoiding me and all. It's been a bit awkward lately, but if you think we can be friends and would like that, let me know, one way or the other. You know where to reach me. Take care, A.B."
I thought, at worst, R.G. can at least maintain a friendship, but I think that even that is dashed.
I have not received a response to my voicemails. One would think that communication is the basis for any form of a relationship. But, R.G. has been reticent to communicate anything. I am perplexed. Or perhaps, not perplexed, but realizing that R.G. handles ending a relationship by not looking back or not attempting to keep the good or recover what is recoverable.
A.B.
Friday, April 14, 2006
How Does One Read Between the Lines
I had that conversation with M.I. last night, in the middle of the hustle and bustle of Blue Ribbon Bakery and on the walk home.
Apparently, I am just not good enough at reading between the lines. Quite simply, M.I. loves me like he loves any other friend. The late night calls to say he is safely tucked into bed, the invitations to have dinner with him, the confidences and conversations, the holding of my hand, the use of an affectionate "pet" name, the utterance "I love you", etc. are all friendly things with no ulterior motives. This is fine with me, as I had not built up any expectation given our past history and his candor on Monday.
Amidst my prevailing sentimental and emotional confusion (not attributable to M.I.), the last thing I want to deal with is a person that only complicates my life and doesn't really add much to it. Yes, M.I. is a form of company/companionship, but so is my dog. And my dog is, at least, unconditional.
A.B.
Apparently, I am just not good enough at reading between the lines. Quite simply, M.I. loves me like he loves any other friend. The late night calls to say he is safely tucked into bed, the invitations to have dinner with him, the confidences and conversations, the holding of my hand, the use of an affectionate "pet" name, the utterance "I love you", etc. are all friendly things with no ulterior motives. This is fine with me, as I had not built up any expectation given our past history and his candor on Monday.
Amidst my prevailing sentimental and emotional confusion (not attributable to M.I.), the last thing I want to deal with is a person that only complicates my life and doesn't really add much to it. Yes, M.I. is a form of company/companionship, but so is my dog. And my dog is, at least, unconditional.
A.B.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I Had A Bad Day
Seemed to be going well, was in fairly good spirits and ended up going to the gym. My New Year's resolutions this year included, among others, losing more weight and going to the gym. I hired a personal trainer and have been assiduous about my appointments (two a week) and trying to go on my own to do some exercise. It seems to be working.
However, I attend the same gym R.G. goes to. I have been a member for about 3 years and had stopped going and then decided to start going as part of my resolution. In addition, it is the "gayer" of the gyms in the city, so, it is refreshing to see more gay guys and serves as an incentive.
This evening, I got out relatively early from the office and went to the gym. I didn't expect to see R.G. as he had told me over a week ago he would be away this week on business, so I didn't think much of it.
I arrived at the gym, changed and headed up to start weight-lifting. Half way through my routine, I saw he was there and eventually he walked by, sufficiently far away that it wasn't really necessary to say hello. He did, however, seem to look in my direction twice. I was listening to my iPod and lifting away, so I didn't interrupt to say hello or wave a hand. Since I had this sensation that he has been avoiding me (I had asked him out over a week ago, he said he would get back to me, he didn't follow up, I e-mailed him and he cancelled without offering a raincheck), I didn't really make an effort to say hello. It seemed like he was leaving, so I thought ok, now that's over.
He ended up coming back up to do cardio and we inevitably saw each other, so it was a forced hello. I felt uncomfortable because, although I am hurt, I certainly still have feelings for the guy. It is an extremely difficult situation for me that I simply do not know how to graciously handle without coming across as rude or impolite or spiteful. I was walking towards the water fountain and just lifted my hands and said hello with my eyes. I didn't know if it was appropriate or not. I then returned to finish my abdominals and on the way back, saw him again on the treadmill, so I walked up and said hello and asked "How's it going", at which time he removed his head phones. I repeated "How's it going", he faintly said "ok" and I said, "Well, gotta go". It was awkward and uncomfortable.
I saw him again in the locker room as I was drying my hair and we barely acknowledged each other. I got dressed and left while he was probably showering.
I think it all boils down to not having had any form of closure. My therapist says that although closure is a nicety, we aren't necessarily entitled to it. Although that may be true, sometimes one good punch is better than several small ones.
Funny, I haven't really mentioned my therapy here before. I sort of felt it was a form of weakness or mental debility. I have been going for some time now and the underlying theory is that we all, to lesser or greater degrees, have behavioral patterns that we sometimes are not aware of and that reverberate in our lives. We tend to repeat that with which we are comfortable, almost inevitably with the same exasperating results. I've pinpointed some of my patterns but have had trouble correcting them. Part of the process is, precisely, to write out what it is that affects me.
I try to convince myself that R.G. has already abandoned me. Abandonment is one of my greater fears, it traces back to an absent paternal figure, people coming and going in my life with no permanence in my life and a perceived abandonment of my mother, who always saw me as the stronger child that didn't need supervision or nurturing. Ouch. So, with R.G., the fear was that he would not be a part of my life. Now that that result has materialized, I should be able to move on. My greatest fear is present and I am still here. If it hasn't killed you, it will make you stronger. But, I am constantly reminded of R.G. (and I constantly remind myself of R.G.) and that does not help to move on.
I felt embarassed and ashamed today when I saw him, and I do not know why. Why should I be ashamed or embarassed? I think I feel that I screwed it up. In the sense that I had someone good (or that I thought was good at the time) and sabotaged it. I guess that is something I will need to think about heartily in the days to come.
Alas, it wasn't the best of days.
A.B.
However, I attend the same gym R.G. goes to. I have been a member for about 3 years and had stopped going and then decided to start going as part of my resolution. In addition, it is the "gayer" of the gyms in the city, so, it is refreshing to see more gay guys and serves as an incentive.
This evening, I got out relatively early from the office and went to the gym. I didn't expect to see R.G. as he had told me over a week ago he would be away this week on business, so I didn't think much of it.
I arrived at the gym, changed and headed up to start weight-lifting. Half way through my routine, I saw he was there and eventually he walked by, sufficiently far away that it wasn't really necessary to say hello. He did, however, seem to look in my direction twice. I was listening to my iPod and lifting away, so I didn't interrupt to say hello or wave a hand. Since I had this sensation that he has been avoiding me (I had asked him out over a week ago, he said he would get back to me, he didn't follow up, I e-mailed him and he cancelled without offering a raincheck), I didn't really make an effort to say hello. It seemed like he was leaving, so I thought ok, now that's over.
He ended up coming back up to do cardio and we inevitably saw each other, so it was a forced hello. I felt uncomfortable because, although I am hurt, I certainly still have feelings for the guy. It is an extremely difficult situation for me that I simply do not know how to graciously handle without coming across as rude or impolite or spiteful. I was walking towards the water fountain and just lifted my hands and said hello with my eyes. I didn't know if it was appropriate or not. I then returned to finish my abdominals and on the way back, saw him again on the treadmill, so I walked up and said hello and asked "How's it going", at which time he removed his head phones. I repeated "How's it going", he faintly said "ok" and I said, "Well, gotta go". It was awkward and uncomfortable.
I saw him again in the locker room as I was drying my hair and we barely acknowledged each other. I got dressed and left while he was probably showering.
I think it all boils down to not having had any form of closure. My therapist says that although closure is a nicety, we aren't necessarily entitled to it. Although that may be true, sometimes one good punch is better than several small ones.
Funny, I haven't really mentioned my therapy here before. I sort of felt it was a form of weakness or mental debility. I have been going for some time now and the underlying theory is that we all, to lesser or greater degrees, have behavioral patterns that we sometimes are not aware of and that reverberate in our lives. We tend to repeat that with which we are comfortable, almost inevitably with the same exasperating results. I've pinpointed some of my patterns but have had trouble correcting them. Part of the process is, precisely, to write out what it is that affects me.
I try to convince myself that R.G. has already abandoned me. Abandonment is one of my greater fears, it traces back to an absent paternal figure, people coming and going in my life with no permanence in my life and a perceived abandonment of my mother, who always saw me as the stronger child that didn't need supervision or nurturing. Ouch. So, with R.G., the fear was that he would not be a part of my life. Now that that result has materialized, I should be able to move on. My greatest fear is present and I am still here. If it hasn't killed you, it will make you stronger. But, I am constantly reminded of R.G. (and I constantly remind myself of R.G.) and that does not help to move on.
I felt embarassed and ashamed today when I saw him, and I do not know why. Why should I be ashamed or embarassed? I think I feel that I screwed it up. In the sense that I had someone good (or that I thought was good at the time) and sabotaged it. I guess that is something I will need to think about heartily in the days to come.
Alas, it wasn't the best of days.
A.B.
Not Suprisingly
Remember M.I.? Let me refresh your memories: 1, 2 and 3. M.I. recently came back into my life, with all the issues going on with R.G., I didn't put much stock in M.I. and thoroughly convinced myself and told myself over and over, don't fall prey again to your emotions. M.I. was making it clear we were friends and I was entirely fine with that. I was well aware of his shortcomings and had no intention of getting swept in. Fine, dandy.
Recently, M.I. has been inviting me to his place (three times now) to watch Desperate Housewives on Sunday night and have dinner. Fun, innocent, something friends would do. I was happy to go as I enjoy the show and had fun just shooting the breeze. On one occasion I met his friend, V. V. just started a relationship with some guy. The second time I went over, V. was there and incessantly asked M.I. and me why we weren't dating. After responding concisely to his questions, he continued to badger us with more questions. The evening was completely awkward because it is precisely a topic I did not want to revisit.
As the evening was coming to an end, V. and M.I. dropped me off at my apartment as they were heading to a bar in the Meatpacking District. As I was saying my goodbyes, I recalled how much I didn't appreciate M.I.'s intense partying and drinking and how that made me feel insecure, the partying and meeting guys, hook ups and late nights. It was a passing thought the moment M.I. pecked me on the lips as he has done as of late (and appears to do with his friends generally) and said "I love you". As I was metaphorically picking myself up off the floor I had no ready response. I looked at him and said, "Well, have fun at the [bar]. Good night." This came out of left field.
As I walked back to my apartment, I wondered, perhaps he just meant "I love you... like a friend" or "I love hanging out with you" which would have been fine. But "I love you", those are words one does not use lightly. So, I thought, perhaps M.I. has developed feelings for me. Time has gone by, we have hung out as friends (i.e., without any expectations or pressures) so, quite possibly, he felt a twitch.
I won't say that this did not have its impact on me, it caused me to wonder. On advice of a third party, I decided not to call him and wait it out, perhaps have a face-to-face talk and figure out exactly what was meant by that utterance. I tried to talk about it at one point, albeit over the phone, but he skirted around the issue. I thought, OK, I won't push this and let it be.
We saw each other Saturday at a party and didn't speak or interact much. Bad sign I thought. Sunday rolled around, Desperate Housewives again (but it was a repeat so we didn't watch it). V. was there with his boyfriend. V. said that M.I. is the type of guy who likes what he can't have, and the minute it becomes available, he loses interest. Light banter, slight discomfort. Bad sign I thought. Monday came and at 5, a call, "Any plans for dinner?". Now, at this precise moment, my better judgment hollered "don't do it"... "Sure, 8 p.m. ok?". Insta-dinner plans at 8 it was.
For other reasons, I was in a quite cheerful mood as I walked into the restaurant and spotted M.I. As I sat down, I engaged in idle conversation and inquired about his night out and his Monday off (he didn't go to work). In less than 3 minutes, I learned that M.I. had gotten home after 5 a.m., had attempted to pick up a guy to take home with him but was cut-off by a third guy that took his guy out from under him and that at the gym that afternoon, a guy masturbated in the shower with the door ajar for his viewing pleasure. This guy is such a keeper. I will not pass judgment on M.I. for what he chooses to do, I can only say that this is definitely not the type of person I would like to have in my life as a partner. I have enough problems as it is.
After those 3 minutes, I felt an impulse to stand up, say good night, and go home, make up some phoney excuse... a bad case of diarrhea coming on or something. But, I thought that would be too rude and stuck it out. I had a great meal for $22 (wine, appetizer, main) and then walked home. As we said our goodbyes, M.I. said he would call me the next day and the following message flashed by in my brain "that is a call you will let go to voicemail".
A.B.
Recently, M.I. has been inviting me to his place (three times now) to watch Desperate Housewives on Sunday night and have dinner. Fun, innocent, something friends would do. I was happy to go as I enjoy the show and had fun just shooting the breeze. On one occasion I met his friend, V. V. just started a relationship with some guy. The second time I went over, V. was there and incessantly asked M.I. and me why we weren't dating. After responding concisely to his questions, he continued to badger us with more questions. The evening was completely awkward because it is precisely a topic I did not want to revisit.
As the evening was coming to an end, V. and M.I. dropped me off at my apartment as they were heading to a bar in the Meatpacking District. As I was saying my goodbyes, I recalled how much I didn't appreciate M.I.'s intense partying and drinking and how that made me feel insecure, the partying and meeting guys, hook ups and late nights. It was a passing thought the moment M.I. pecked me on the lips as he has done as of late (and appears to do with his friends generally) and said "I love you". As I was metaphorically picking myself up off the floor I had no ready response. I looked at him and said, "Well, have fun at the [bar]. Good night." This came out of left field.
As I walked back to my apartment, I wondered, perhaps he just meant "I love you... like a friend" or "I love hanging out with you" which would have been fine. But "I love you", those are words one does not use lightly. So, I thought, perhaps M.I. has developed feelings for me. Time has gone by, we have hung out as friends (i.e., without any expectations or pressures) so, quite possibly, he felt a twitch.
I won't say that this did not have its impact on me, it caused me to wonder. On advice of a third party, I decided not to call him and wait it out, perhaps have a face-to-face talk and figure out exactly what was meant by that utterance. I tried to talk about it at one point, albeit over the phone, but he skirted around the issue. I thought, OK, I won't push this and let it be.
We saw each other Saturday at a party and didn't speak or interact much. Bad sign I thought. Sunday rolled around, Desperate Housewives again (but it was a repeat so we didn't watch it). V. was there with his boyfriend. V. said that M.I. is the type of guy who likes what he can't have, and the minute it becomes available, he loses interest. Light banter, slight discomfort. Bad sign I thought. Monday came and at 5, a call, "Any plans for dinner?". Now, at this precise moment, my better judgment hollered "don't do it"... "Sure, 8 p.m. ok?". Insta-dinner plans at 8 it was.
For other reasons, I was in a quite cheerful mood as I walked into the restaurant and spotted M.I. As I sat down, I engaged in idle conversation and inquired about his night out and his Monday off (he didn't go to work). In less than 3 minutes, I learned that M.I. had gotten home after 5 a.m., had attempted to pick up a guy to take home with him but was cut-off by a third guy that took his guy out from under him and that at the gym that afternoon, a guy masturbated in the shower with the door ajar for his viewing pleasure. This guy is such a keeper. I will not pass judgment on M.I. for what he chooses to do, I can only say that this is definitely not the type of person I would like to have in my life as a partner. I have enough problems as it is.
After those 3 minutes, I felt an impulse to stand up, say good night, and go home, make up some phoney excuse... a bad case of diarrhea coming on or something. But, I thought that would be too rude and stuck it out. I had a great meal for $22 (wine, appetizer, main) and then walked home. As we said our goodbyes, M.I. said he would call me the next day and the following message flashed by in my brain "that is a call you will let go to voicemail".
A.B.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Not So Anono Anymore
I have been discovered! I must say that this blog has been mostly an exercise for me in writing out my feelings. Seeing them in black and white (or 1's and 0's) has helped me assess the varying situations in my life while preserving some degree of anonymity and receiving the occasional feedback from those that comment.
Unbeknownst to me, one of my internet profiles contains a sufficiently catchy phrase that when searched leads the searcher to my blog thus allowing an individual of sufficient and voracious intellect to put 2 and 2 together and discover my true identity. Alas, my cover is blown! So here goes a shout out to S. and to his friend C (hi C!). They are, to my knowledge, the only two persons who know who I truly am. S. has been sworn to secrecy (are you reading this S.?) and, by proxy, C.!
The funny thing is, S. knew about this blog before he and I met and as things were falling apart with R.G. So, he had an advantage over me in knowing about my prior history with R.G. and the emotional fall-out that ensued. I must say that despite having this knowledge, S. acted like a true gentleman and never brought it up during the times we met. Today, while we spoke over the phone, S. revealed to me that he knew about the blog. Yes, I was a bit startled, but thought that in all, it was funny.
I recently went on a trip to the Caribbean during which I had much time to think about my emotional state relating to R.G. and my meeting other people. S. was one guy I had met a couple of times prior to my trip and is a genuinely nice guy. In addition, we have an acquaintance in common. My conclusion during my trip was that I wasn't ready to put myself out there again and that it was not fair or proper to meet people because I could inadvertently lead them on. I guess I need to straighten many things out (Why do I want to be in a relationship? Why do I fear abandoment? Why do I have trouble trusting those persons I am emotionally involved with? etc.).
After coming back, I met with S. to tell him that, unfortunately, I was not (am not) over R.G. and was not ready to meet someone else and give them a chance. S. was extremely understanding and we have since then been in contact. Some good things do come from dating :-)
Now I wonder, will R.G. have read this? Or M.I? Uh oh.
So, anyhow, I promised S. he would make a guest appearance in the blog. Perhaps he'll even comment (anonymously).
A.B.
Unbeknownst to me, one of my internet profiles contains a sufficiently catchy phrase that when searched leads the searcher to my blog thus allowing an individual of sufficient and voracious intellect to put 2 and 2 together and discover my true identity. Alas, my cover is blown! So here goes a shout out to S. and to his friend C (hi C!). They are, to my knowledge, the only two persons who know who I truly am. S. has been sworn to secrecy (are you reading this S.?) and, by proxy, C.!
The funny thing is, S. knew about this blog before he and I met and as things were falling apart with R.G. So, he had an advantage over me in knowing about my prior history with R.G. and the emotional fall-out that ensued. I must say that despite having this knowledge, S. acted like a true gentleman and never brought it up during the times we met. Today, while we spoke over the phone, S. revealed to me that he knew about the blog. Yes, I was a bit startled, but thought that in all, it was funny.
I recently went on a trip to the Caribbean during which I had much time to think about my emotional state relating to R.G. and my meeting other people. S. was one guy I had met a couple of times prior to my trip and is a genuinely nice guy. In addition, we have an acquaintance in common. My conclusion during my trip was that I wasn't ready to put myself out there again and that it was not fair or proper to meet people because I could inadvertently lead them on. I guess I need to straighten many things out (Why do I want to be in a relationship? Why do I fear abandoment? Why do I have trouble trusting those persons I am emotionally involved with? etc.).
After coming back, I met with S. to tell him that, unfortunately, I was not (am not) over R.G. and was not ready to meet someone else and give them a chance. S. was extremely understanding and we have since then been in contact. Some good things do come from dating :-)
Now I wonder, will R.G. have read this? Or M.I? Uh oh.
So, anyhow, I promised S. he would make a guest appearance in the blog. Perhaps he'll even comment (anonymously).
A.B.
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