Bumped into a guy at a bar on a weekend and had a short conversation. It turned out I sort of knew him as a colleague had forwarded to me his profile (on his company website) saying that the guy was really good-looking and had shown her an apartment. I didn't contact him because that would have been completely strange.
Many, many months later (a couple of weekends ago), a friend points out this handsome guy and I end up talking to him. It turned out that he was the guy my colleague had suggested I contact. It came in the context of our conversation about our jobs. I asked if I could call him and he said that it would be fine.
I did call him a day later and left voicemail, he returned my call two days later and we agreed to meet for a drink. We met on Friday night of last week (11/10/06) and ended up having dinner. We had a great conversation and, what I thought, was commonality. At the end of our dinner, as we paid, I asked him if I could call him again and he said yes. We then walked over to a bakery and got some cupcakes (which he paid for). We said goodnight and went our separate ways. The next day, I called him and left voicemail thanking him for a nice time and for the cupcake. I hadn't heard back from him by Tuesday, so I called again and just left voicemail. Haven't heard from him, not even a call to say hello. So, I don't get it. Is it so difficult to return a call, even if you don't have great news or interest in a person?
Also, question for you all. I debate this and go back and forth. When dating, who should pay? My view has always been that the person who asks someone out on a date pays. And I have no problem doing so. But my therapist, and multiple friends for that matter, say that when dating, one should go dutch (which I find completely tacky). Their reasoning is that it doesn't impose on the date an obligation or a sense of duty to go out on a date again. My sentiments are that if I ask someone out on a date (hey, would you like to grab dinner, drink, go out?), I am inviting them out and am attempting to show them a good time and to get to know me. If I don't pay at the end of the date, I will come off as cheap or tacky. By the same token, I expect that if someone asks me out on a date (and doesn't otherwise clarify), he is going to pay. This all goes back, of course, to an upbringing that had assumed (1) I was heterosexual; (2) I would ask girls out on dates; and (3) that I would pay for those dates because that is what a gentleman does.
Of course, being gay may alter that equation. Any thoughts?
Also, I have been on two "interview" dates with people from match.com. Both went quite well. They turned out to be apparently normal guys. We'll see what happens.
Lastly, today is the beginning of my sabbatical. I will be working at a client's office for the client exclusively, for one month. My temporary work-abode will be Times Square, the center of the universe.
A.B.
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6 comments:
Yeah, I agree. If you're old enough to date, you should be old enough to tell someone you're not interested.
I always go for splitting the bill. if you're a couple, that's when you can start paying for each other.
I'm always amazed at how crowded Times Square is. I mean REALLY like can't-walk-on-the-sidewalk-have-to-almost-get-run-over-by-a-car crowded. I'm always like, who goes there? I never do. Are there really that many tourists who go there?
You live right in Times Square? Wow that must be totally amazing.
I've always thought people should go dutch when paying. That way no one feels obligated and no one feels that the other should be paying.
As for the guy not getting back to you, there is nothing worse. I think the least anyone can do is have some guts and at least have the dignity to return your calls.
Have a great day in NY.
Kev in New Zealand.
Nope, not living in Times Square, just working there. I can't imagine living in the midst of this craziness!
A.B.
It's amazing to find that there are still sensible and sensitive guys out there. Guys like u make me believe that a relationship could actually work. Keep your spirits up and never let go of your humanity.
- An Indian gay guy from across the Atlantic
Best to go dutch when dating - it removes obligation from the equation. When you're a couple, neither will care about it. Just buying a cupcake for someone places him under no obligation to return your call. It would be theoretically polite but what will he say - "Thanks for the cupcake but I don't want to see you any more." That would be equally rude. Be adult about it and take the hint. If you find that you are always the one initiating future dates and that your voicemail message goes unanswered, he is just not that into you. Accept it. Eat another cupcake.
1. It is polite, and correct, for the person who does the inviting to also do the paying. It is also polite, and correct, for the person who was invited to offer to split the bill. The inviter can accept the offer, or not, as he sees fit.
2. Allowing someone to buy you dinner, coffee, and/or a cupcake does not obligate you to anything other than politeness. Everyone is already obligated to politeness.
3. Not returning a call or having the courtesy to refuse an invitation is rude, but having to call someone to tell them you're not interested in dating them is sufficiently awkward that you should cut them some slack if they use e-mail instead. I think that we should institute or return to the convention of having personal cards printed with our contact information on them.
4. People who don't contact you to refuse an offer or who wait until you've called them twice to send you an e-mail are probably not a great catch, either for dating or as friends. People who offer to continue a friendship after they've been rude to you deserve to have the offer politely declined. It necessarily follows that making a second call -- when the first has not been answered -- after a first date is always a losing proposition.
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