Changes

I have been quite busy with my switch and matters relating to the apartment I am purchasing. In addition, I have been entertaining a guest; a dear friend from back home; straight; the first person I ever told "I'm gay". H.D. has been a friend through thick and thin, and though we have had our differences, we have always rescued our friendship.

I have been entertaining random thoughts of sadness, depression, relief, hope, angst and disappointment. After my last call with W.W., I have not heard back from him. We were supposed to do something later in the week. Again, I despair. And I despair at our collective inability to be forthright with each other and honest. To not be attracted to someone is not offensive; to like someone but not feel chemistry is not wrong. Why can't we just say these things? I am disappointed because once more I have ended up in a situation where I developed some hopes about someone and that did not come to fruition. I am saddened.

This time, I will implement the lesson I have learned. I won't call him, I won't try to make things better, or prove myself worthy of his attention. I will let this go, now, and in the future.

Today is day 28 of not smoking. Yesterday, February 20, I switched over to the 14 mg patch. I had been using the 21 mg patch. I am definitely feeling the change; I perceive the lowering of the dosage because I am antsy.

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my grandmother's passing and the 8th anniversary of my becoming an attorney back home. Today, I will be signing the purchase agreement for my apartment. I will do this alone. Not exactly how I had planned or hoped that this would happen, but the time has come.

H.D. and I had the most amazing dinner at Lupa on Monday. I had been wanting to take him there during his last couple of trips, but for one reason or another, hadn't made it happen. He loved my suggestion and we caught up for 3 hours and went back home. I'm lucky to have him as a friend; if only he were gay. He was metrosexual way before the word was coined. He actually was my first adult crush. He knows it and we often joke about it. I call him princess.

A.B.