Th@T

Therapy (both individual and group) has helped shed much light on my thought processes. To explore one's upbringing and reactions to understand the why's and what's of our lives is challenging, saddening, difficult and revelatory.

My latest revelation, if we can call it that, was realizing that I am my own worst critic in a very unhealthy manner. I have always thought that the ability to be self-critical (in general) is an important trait, almost a virtue. To be able to look at oneself from the outside and judge (objectively, kindly) is a conscious act; to do so is to affirmatively want to better oneself.

In my case, however, I have taken this ability to be self-critical to new dimensions. And therapy has begun to show me this. What others see as accomplishments and goals to be proud of, I see as mere completion of tasks. Be first in class, check. Get scholarship, check. Move to New York, check. Finish studies, check. Get job at New York law firm, check. Lose 40 lbs, check. Buy apartment, check. Tasks, not accomplishments. The satisfaction attained is minimal because I have viewed these things as a duty not a goal; there is no pride or joy associated. Quite grim. Furthermore, once finished, I look back only to think that I didn't do it right, that the act of finishing it wasn't gargantuan or special or praiseworthy, it could have been done better, quicker.

Through my sessions it has become apparent that these "duties" others see as accomplishments (magnificent or minute, regardless) that I should stop to enjoy. My immediate reaction to finishing something is to look and see what is next on the list and to begin to fret about it and plan around it.

So, lately, I've been trying to stop, think and smile. I stop from my activities, think about something I've done and smile about it. It sounds lame, sometimes it feels artificial, but pausing to ponder about something, like my apartment, or my new job, makes it worthy.

A.B.