You live it, you own it, the silver lining is seen

About a month and a half ago, I met a guy at a bar. We ended up going out on three dates. I thought he was nice and would have continued seeing him, but for the fact that he didn't make an effort to ask me out on a date after the third date. A week or two went by, and I called him and asked if he was interested in going out again or if his silence/absence meant something.

He said he was going to be honest with me. His response was that I reminded him too much of someone that had hurt him and that it was difficult for him. I told him I understood what he was saying, and what he was feeling. He said that, nonetheless, he would like to go out if I was interested. I told him I would call him the following week.

I didn't call him. Though I understood what it is like to date someone who is a constant reminder of some former date/boyfriend/significant other, I also know that until you are over it, any new person you meet probably won't measure up to that person. I speak, of course, from personal experience, where I have been the one doing the comparing. Perhaps I jump to quickly to judgment, but it seems to me that the assumption is fair.

I felt bad for not calling him. Such an uneasy thing to do, to tell someone "no go". But, this person was and had been nice, and certainly continues to be a nice guy. I felt that somehow, an explanation was in order. Two days ago, I sent him the following e-mail:

[Name],

Sorry for not calling. I feel bad for not at least giving you an explanation, so here goes. After we spoke, I thought a lot about the whole thing. Reminding you of someone that hurt you makes me uncomfortable. I feel I would be competing with the specter of a past relationship and not be genuinely given a chance. I know this, because I too have been through a similar situation. For a while in my life, nobody that I med [sic] could live up to that specter. I don't want to go through that.

I am very sorry, I think you are a very nice and handsome guy. But, for the time being, I don't think we are at the same place.

I wish you the best.

A.B.

I chose e-mail because in honesty, it felt safe and sufficiently removed. I was amazed at the response I received late last evening:

A.B.,

Thank you for writing me. I had wondered if you were feeling uncomfortable. I understand and respect the position you don’t want to be in. I am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. But, thank you for letting me be honest and then being honest in return. For a silver lining I think we’re both better humans for it.

I also wish you the best.

[Name]

I was very thankful that his response was so mature and level-headed. Now, if only the majority of guys I dated could be the same.

A.B.