The heart has reasons that reason cannot fathom.

I was completely put off by M.I.'s behavior, the lack of contact had been enough on Friday and I had sworn him off... that was until he called at 10.30 p.m. to complain that he was just getting out of the office. I responded, "Spare me the self-pity, I am still at the office." We had a nice conversation, as always, but that was it, no follow up other than a let's talk tomorrow or Sunday.

Saturday was a blast, I went to Fire Island for the first time. It was but a day trip, but I loved it. I guess if I had to sum it up in one word, it would be "vibrant." I arrived back in Manhattan at 1 a.m. and ran home to work on some things I needed to get done by Sunday at 9.00 a.m. for work (the recipient of the work product needed it at that time, yeah right. He didn't start reading it until Monday 9.00 a.m., fuck that). Back to train ride back though. I saw a very attractive guy on the platform and thought to myself, A.B., you should talk to him. As fate would have it, we ended up on the same train and after a neverending internal diatribe, I approached him and he asked me to sit down. Well, it turns out we had been in touch via e-mail (on http://www.connexion.org). We exchanged numbers when we arrived to Penn Station and there was clearly some chemistry in the air. When I got home and turned on my computer to start working, I already had an e-mail from him :-)

Now, all along, I couldn't get M.I. out of my head, he lingered there all through Fire Island, all through work and all through Sunday. So I called him on Sunday afternoon to say hello and got the inevitable voice mailbox. I was fuming, again. Now, I fumed because I thought "this guy is so avoiding me and can't even say so." Well, I guess I jumped to conclusions because I received a text message about 4 hours later stating that he was sick and in the hospital. My heart skipped a beat and I felt terrible and at the same time wanted to rush to his side like Flo Nightingale, I'm such a fag. Anyhow, I called him (no answer) and sent him a text message (no response). By 10.30 p.m. I was hoping it wasn't anything grave and called his home (which I had never done before). As I heard someone pick up, I thought, "oh good, he's ok". The voice on the other end was a guy (unknown who or what he was) who told me that M.I. was sick, had gone to the hospital, a bout with gastroenteritis and that he was sleeping. I put on my more serene of voices and said I had just called to see how he was doing and to offer any help if he needed it. Haven't heard back from him yet.

Am I just stupid for still hoping?

A.B.

Hope is the last to die...

We spoke, moreover, we've spoken. So besides the "I have been sick" card, and the "My life is so busy" excuses, I just finally said that I didn't like asking people to call me because I think it is impolite, I can just as easily pick up the phone and punch in the digits, right? But, I explained, this seems to warrant that you call me tomorrow when you decide you have time and are available.

That was Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. So, the little, if any, lingering hope I had to actually see this guy again, has whithered.

I think the last nail in the coffin was when I signed up yesterday for gay.com.

A.B.

Dating Game?

I haven't heard from the guy in over three days, I wonder, is this the dating game or is he simply not interested?

We all know about the rules, some of us don't apply them, some are religious to a fault when it comes to them. I like to think that I stand somewhere in between. Neither too strict, nor too lax. However, not knowing what he thinks in this respect has led me down a path of confusion and frustration. There are many wonderful guys out there, but what are we losing when we become confused and frustrated? I insist, that only tears away at any bridge that may have been built on attraction and mutual interest, it doesn't enhance that connection.

I guess somewhere in that sea, there has got to be a fish like me. Time will tell.

A.B.

I feel stupid.

After a brief infection of phone tag with the guy, we were able to speak this evening... as he was on an out-of-town bound train. The joys of dating I say. Lightly (ok, not so lightly) frustrated, I had to ask 'straight out' but in a fidgety way "What's the deal? I mean, I, uh, hmm, I'm not sure whether I should back off or, er, uh, you know, stop pursuing this interest."

I was a bit surprised at the calm response and apology stating that it's been a tough couple of weeks, that he was sorry for being out of touch and that we would get together when he got back.

Now, I have mixed emotions, I feel a bit stupid for having actually asked the question and am a bit elated at the response.

So now what?

A.B.

Dating (or going out?)... argh!

Dating in New York baffles me. It is not only the uncertainties and insecurities of becoming acquainted with a new person (those are par for the course in any dating scenario), but, more importantly, our respective approaches to dating.

Case in point: I have been seeing a couple of people, but one really piques my interest. We have gone out some four times and, yes, had sex. We speak on the phone infrequently in my view but, when we do, we have an interesting conversation and it seems to me he is interested. His actions denote otherwise as we have seen each other once a week at most, and not on a Friday or Saturday. There is too, a perceived elusiveness. Calls go to voicemail and then are returned some hours or a day later.

My natural reaction is to ask straight (no pun intended) out whether he's interested in me (without labeling what that interest may be), but this approach has not been well received in the past: guys scram. This is not an invitation to a commitment ceremony, or Massachussets for that matter, but a desire for open communication. On the other hand, not doing anything may be perceived as a lack of interest on my part.

So, the invitation to dinner for Saturday extended on Monday has gone unanswered, the Wednesday follow-up call has not been returned and I fear that I may have my "unofficial" answer.

I hate dating woes. Argh!

A.B.

Inspiration

So, this blog has inspired me to be more introspective and contemplative, to not get so caught up in the whirlwind of the city and set aside some time every day to recapitulate where I stand in the grand (or perhaps not so grand) scheme of things.

But firstly, a little bit about me. I am an attorney, practicing in one of the larger law firms in New York; currently 31; single; male; and gay.

So, looking forward to the interaction.

A.B.