Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Monday, May 07, 2007
A month has gone by since my last post
Wow! I have been meaning to write to myself and haven't. Between attempting to close on my apartment, actually closing following the falling out of my mortgage financing three days prior to closing, finding a replacement lender/mortgage in one day, closing and then moving, well, it was a bit high drama. Add to that those long hours in the office.
In all, despite the challenges, I was able to pull through it all and am now a homeowner and closed my first deal at my new firm without partner scrutiny and supervision. Every time I open the front door, I smile. Things are slowly coming together, unpacking little by little and doing small chores around the apartment. The feeling is nice, of responsibility and duty, but coupled with joy and a sense of reward.
In the dating arena, life is improving. I've met someone I am getting to know and have noticed my trepidation relates to being treated nicely. This guy has been nothing but superb; a surprise picnic in Central Park, chocolates hidden in the refrigerator, postcards mailed from various work destinations, cute text messages, etc. I have felt the unease of suddenly being the focus of someone's attention. In the past, it has always been me the one who has pursued. To suddenly be pursued is odd. And the attention he bestows upon me is something I am trying to accept and enjoy.
My dog has also become an even greater source of joy. He has acclimated to well to the apartment and become more playful and energetic. I have no idea why, but it is certainly fun to walk in and see him with toy in mouth, tail wagging at 1000 RPM.
I am also having my first guest from home. A dear friend of mine, H.D., is back in town on business for ten (10) days. We are so far having a good time. It's fun to have him in the quagmire that is my apartment and wade through the seemingly large number of boxes. He has also started helping me settle in and accompanied me to The Container Store and Homo Depot to get some odds and ends.
Finally, I am having a little respite post-closing for the apartment and for a deal I was on, so I can get around to finishing settling in and doing the whole Handy-man thing at home.
A.B.
In all, despite the challenges, I was able to pull through it all and am now a homeowner and closed my first deal at my new firm without partner scrutiny and supervision. Every time I open the front door, I smile. Things are slowly coming together, unpacking little by little and doing small chores around the apartment. The feeling is nice, of responsibility and duty, but coupled with joy and a sense of reward.
In the dating arena, life is improving. I've met someone I am getting to know and have noticed my trepidation relates to being treated nicely. This guy has been nothing but superb; a surprise picnic in Central Park, chocolates hidden in the refrigerator, postcards mailed from various work destinations, cute text messages, etc. I have felt the unease of suddenly being the focus of someone's attention. In the past, it has always been me the one who has pursued. To suddenly be pursued is odd. And the attention he bestows upon me is something I am trying to accept and enjoy.
My dog has also become an even greater source of joy. He has acclimated to well to the apartment and become more playful and energetic. I have no idea why, but it is certainly fun to walk in and see him with toy in mouth, tail wagging at 1000 RPM.
I am also having my first guest from home. A dear friend of mine, H.D., is back in town on business for ten (10) days. We are so far having a good time. It's fun to have him in the quagmire that is my apartment and wade through the seemingly large number of boxes. He has also started helping me settle in and accompanied me to The Container Store and Homo Depot to get some odds and ends.
Finally, I am having a little respite post-closing for the apartment and for a deal I was on, so I can get around to finishing settling in and doing the whole Handy-man thing at home.
A.B.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
You live it, you own it, the silver lining is seen
About a month and a half ago, I met a guy at a bar. We ended up going out on three dates. I thought he was nice and would have continued seeing him, but for the fact that he didn't make an effort to ask me out on a date after the third date. A week or two went by, and I called him and asked if he was interested in going out again or if his silence/absence meant something.
He said he was going to be honest with me. His response was that I reminded him too much of someone that had hurt him and that it was difficult for him. I told him I understood what he was saying, and what he was feeling. He said that, nonetheless, he would like to go out if I was interested. I told him I would call him the following week.
I didn't call him. Though I understood what it is like to date someone who is a constant reminder of some former date/boyfriend/significant other, I also know that until you are over it, any new person you meet probably won't measure up to that person. I speak, of course, from personal experience, where I have been the one doing the comparing. Perhaps I jump to quickly to judgment, but it seems to me that the assumption is fair.
I felt bad for not calling him. Such an uneasy thing to do, to tell someone "no go". But, this person was and had been nice, and certainly continues to be a nice guy. I felt that somehow, an explanation was in order. Two days ago, I sent him the following e-mail:
I chose e-mail because in honesty, it felt safe and sufficiently removed. I was amazed at the response I received late last evening:
I was very thankful that his response was so mature and level-headed. Now, if only the majority of guys I dated could be the same.
A.B.
He said he was going to be honest with me. His response was that I reminded him too much of someone that had hurt him and that it was difficult for him. I told him I understood what he was saying, and what he was feeling. He said that, nonetheless, he would like to go out if I was interested. I told him I would call him the following week.
I didn't call him. Though I understood what it is like to date someone who is a constant reminder of some former date/boyfriend/significant other, I also know that until you are over it, any new person you meet probably won't measure up to that person. I speak, of course, from personal experience, where I have been the one doing the comparing. Perhaps I jump to quickly to judgment, but it seems to me that the assumption is fair.
I felt bad for not calling him. Such an uneasy thing to do, to tell someone "no go". But, this person was and had been nice, and certainly continues to be a nice guy. I felt that somehow, an explanation was in order. Two days ago, I sent him the following e-mail:
[Name],
Sorry for not calling. I feel bad for not at least giving you an explanation, so here goes. After we spoke, I thought a lot about the whole thing. Reminding you of someone that hurt you makes me uncomfortable. I feel I would be competing with the specter of a past relationship and not be genuinely given a chance. I know this, because I too have been through a similar situation. For a while in my life, nobody that I med [sic] could live up to that specter. I don't want to go through that.
I am very sorry, I think you are a very nice and handsome guy. But, for the time being, I don't think we are at the same place.
I wish you the best.
A.B.
I chose e-mail because in honesty, it felt safe and sufficiently removed. I was amazed at the response I received late last evening:
A.B.,
Thank you for writing me. I had wondered if you were feeling uncomfortable. I understand and respect the position you don’t want to be in. I am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. But, thank you for letting me be honest and then being honest in return. For a silver lining I think we’re both better humans for it.
I also wish you the best.
[Name]
I was very thankful that his response was so mature and level-headed. Now, if only the majority of guys I dated could be the same.
A.B.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Th@T
Therapy (both individual and group) has helped shed much light on my thought processes. To explore one's upbringing and reactions to understand the why's and what's of our lives is challenging, saddening, difficult and revelatory.
My latest revelation, if we can call it that, was realizing that I am my own worst critic in a very unhealthy manner. I have always thought that the ability to be self-critical (in general) is an important trait, almost a virtue. To be able to look at oneself from the outside and judge (objectively, kindly) is a conscious act; to do so is to affirmatively want to better oneself.
In my case, however, I have taken this ability to be self-critical to new dimensions. And therapy has begun to show me this. What others see as accomplishments and goals to be proud of, I see as mere completion of tasks. Be first in class, check. Get scholarship, check. Move to New York, check. Finish studies, check. Get job at New York law firm, check. Lose 40 lbs, check. Buy apartment, check. Tasks, not accomplishments. The satisfaction attained is minimal because I have viewed these things as a duty not a goal; there is no pride or joy associated. Quite grim. Furthermore, once finished, I look back only to think that I didn't do it right, that the act of finishing it wasn't gargantuan or special or praiseworthy, it could have been done better, quicker.
Through my sessions it has become apparent that these "duties" others see as accomplishments (magnificent or minute, regardless) that I should stop to enjoy. My immediate reaction to finishing something is to look and see what is next on the list and to begin to fret about it and plan around it.
So, lately, I've been trying to stop, think and smile. I stop from my activities, think about something I've done and smile about it. It sounds lame, sometimes it feels artificial, but pausing to ponder about something, like my apartment, or my new job, makes it worthy.
A.B.
My latest revelation, if we can call it that, was realizing that I am my own worst critic in a very unhealthy manner. I have always thought that the ability to be self-critical (in general) is an important trait, almost a virtue. To be able to look at oneself from the outside and judge (objectively, kindly) is a conscious act; to do so is to affirmatively want to better oneself.
In my case, however, I have taken this ability to be self-critical to new dimensions. And therapy has begun to show me this. What others see as accomplishments and goals to be proud of, I see as mere completion of tasks. Be first in class, check. Get scholarship, check. Move to New York, check. Finish studies, check. Get job at New York law firm, check. Lose 40 lbs, check. Buy apartment, check. Tasks, not accomplishments. The satisfaction attained is minimal because I have viewed these things as a duty not a goal; there is no pride or joy associated. Quite grim. Furthermore, once finished, I look back only to think that I didn't do it right, that the act of finishing it wasn't gargantuan or special or praiseworthy, it could have been done better, quicker.
Through my sessions it has become apparent that these "duties" others see as accomplishments (magnificent or minute, regardless) that I should stop to enjoy. My immediate reaction to finishing something is to look and see what is next on the list and to begin to fret about it and plan around it.
So, lately, I've been trying to stop, think and smile. I stop from my activities, think about something I've done and smile about it. It sounds lame, sometimes it feels artificial, but pausing to ponder about something, like my apartment, or my new job, makes it worthy.
A.B.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Movie Recommendation
If you have not yet had the opportunity to see "The Lives of Others" (Das Leben der Anderen), I would suggest you do. This is a movie on issues relevant to our times: freedom of speech, repression, liberty of conscience.
Not only was I stupefied throughout the movie because of the power it evokes, I could not help but understand each character, his/her motivations and fears, and hopes.
I highly recommend this film and will be purchasing it on DVD. It certainly deserved an Oscar.
A.B.
Not only was I stupefied throughout the movie because of the power it evokes, I could not help but understand each character, his/her motivations and fears, and hopes.
I highly recommend this film and will be purchasing it on DVD. It certainly deserved an Oscar.
A.B.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
This week and then fuck 'em and then go Jen
This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Work has, yet again, overtaken my life. But, instead of being resentful, I must say, I wasn't terribly angered. The difference, I suppose, is that my new work environment is filled with people who say such things as "I'm really sorry you had to stay late last night, but I really do appreciate it," and "It seems we are going to have to work this weekend, I know it's a pain, but let's try to get this done as fast as possible to salvage some personal time."
My prior law firm was of the not so uncommon variety where those pleasantries, that consideration for others, just didn't exist. So yeah, it sucks to work until 5 am two days in a row, to work a weekend straight through, but at least people acknowledge that it's tough, they apologize for it and they try to make the best of it. Yes, it is part of my job, demanding clients, demanding hours, fickle clients, etc. But, at least my team (my new team) knows it and acknowledges it.
Last night my friend CDK invited me to see Grey Gardens, with his boyfriend and their friend E.S. We enjoyed the show, quite depressing actually, but a great show nonetheless. Around the world...
Today, I got to go to the gym, after ages of not having been there. And then ran home to walk my pooch, to then head to the office to work. I saw scheduled to have a date this evening with a gentleman I had met online and gone out with three times before. I called him in the afternoon to let him know I was at work, that I had arrived at 1 pm and was hoping to make it out no later than 7 pm to make it to our 7.30 pm movie.
Inevitably, the senior associate needed this, he needed that, could I send this out, etc. and 7 pm rolled around. At 7.10 I grabbed my things, ordered a car and ran downstairs. While I was in the lobby I called my date and told him I was running a bit late, had gotten stuck at the office but was just waiting for the car service to arrive. He asked "What does that mean?", and I responded that a car would be picking me up and taking me to the theater. I offered "If you would like, go into the theater, you can leave my ticket at the box office, and I will come in and find you." He said ok and we hung up. I put my phone in my pocket and got into the car. I showed up at the theater in Union Square at 7.28 pm. I asked for my ticket and was informed that there was no ticket in that name. I walked outside, tried to find my date and didn't see him. So I grabbed my phone to call him and saw that I had a missed call and voicemail.
I checked my voicemail. It was my date. The message was as follows:
"Hey A.B. it's [DATE], I'm calling you right back. I'm gonna suggest we skip it tonight. I have been through this so many times, I just have different priorities. You have your priorities, they are different. I have done this too many times where people are always just putting themselves first. It ends up being imbalanced, catering to them and their needs. We are very busy people and have to make choices on how to spend our time. I get tired trying to compensate. So I think we should just skip it. I'm gonna go home and relax. It's been a busy week for me as well, in a different way. Nevertheless, I could just see your priorities are different. I hope you make the right decisions and are happy. Bye."
I of course called him immediately, with my call going directly to voicemail to say that I had arrived at 7.29 pm, I was sorry I was late, but that I couldn't just chuck work. It is unfortunate, but I just can't do that. I tried my best and called to let him know I was running late. I wished him a good night and hung up.
So, a little info on the DATE. He is 41, from the midwest, works in the financial industry and has a job with predictable hours (read 9 to 6). I, and I am very candid about this, am young in my career, expected to put in the extra effort/miles/etc. I am not my own boss and don't set my hours. I can try to manage, but I am not the ultimate decision maker. Anyhow, it is clear to me that he and I will not be seeing each other again. Regardless, for a 41 year old man to act like a child and so capriciously (read temper tantrum) is indicative of a future I would want no part in.
Then I bought a ticket to see Dreamgirls. Boy can that Jennifer Hudson belt a tune! Plus, I just realized that I had seen Jenniver Hudson at a benefit for Actor's Equity, she was Jewel in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. She was fantastic in both. I hope she does well.
Now, I'm off to a bar, with friends, to have fun. I work like a dog, I'm entitled to a couple of drinks, some fun times and oogling.
A.B.
My prior law firm was of the not so uncommon variety where those pleasantries, that consideration for others, just didn't exist. So yeah, it sucks to work until 5 am two days in a row, to work a weekend straight through, but at least people acknowledge that it's tough, they apologize for it and they try to make the best of it. Yes, it is part of my job, demanding clients, demanding hours, fickle clients, etc. But, at least my team (my new team) knows it and acknowledges it.
Last night my friend CDK invited me to see Grey Gardens, with his boyfriend and their friend E.S. We enjoyed the show, quite depressing actually, but a great show nonetheless. Around the world...
Today, I got to go to the gym, after ages of not having been there. And then ran home to walk my pooch, to then head to the office to work. I saw scheduled to have a date this evening with a gentleman I had met online and gone out with three times before. I called him in the afternoon to let him know I was at work, that I had arrived at 1 pm and was hoping to make it out no later than 7 pm to make it to our 7.30 pm movie.
Inevitably, the senior associate needed this, he needed that, could I send this out, etc. and 7 pm rolled around. At 7.10 I grabbed my things, ordered a car and ran downstairs. While I was in the lobby I called my date and told him I was running a bit late, had gotten stuck at the office but was just waiting for the car service to arrive. He asked "What does that mean?", and I responded that a car would be picking me up and taking me to the theater. I offered "If you would like, go into the theater, you can leave my ticket at the box office, and I will come in and find you." He said ok and we hung up. I put my phone in my pocket and got into the car. I showed up at the theater in Union Square at 7.28 pm. I asked for my ticket and was informed that there was no ticket in that name. I walked outside, tried to find my date and didn't see him. So I grabbed my phone to call him and saw that I had a missed call and voicemail.
I checked my voicemail. It was my date. The message was as follows:
"Hey A.B. it's [DATE], I'm calling you right back. I'm gonna suggest we skip it tonight. I have been through this so many times, I just have different priorities. You have your priorities, they are different. I have done this too many times where people are always just putting themselves first. It ends up being imbalanced, catering to them and their needs. We are very busy people and have to make choices on how to spend our time. I get tired trying to compensate. So I think we should just skip it. I'm gonna go home and relax. It's been a busy week for me as well, in a different way. Nevertheless, I could just see your priorities are different. I hope you make the right decisions and are happy. Bye."
I of course called him immediately, with my call going directly to voicemail to say that I had arrived at 7.29 pm, I was sorry I was late, but that I couldn't just chuck work. It is unfortunate, but I just can't do that. I tried my best and called to let him know I was running late. I wished him a good night and hung up.
So, a little info on the DATE. He is 41, from the midwest, works in the financial industry and has a job with predictable hours (read 9 to 6). I, and I am very candid about this, am young in my career, expected to put in the extra effort/miles/etc. I am not my own boss and don't set my hours. I can try to manage, but I am not the ultimate decision maker. Anyhow, it is clear to me that he and I will not be seeing each other again. Regardless, for a 41 year old man to act like a child and so capriciously (read temper tantrum) is indicative of a future I would want no part in.
Then I bought a ticket to see Dreamgirls. Boy can that Jennifer Hudson belt a tune! Plus, I just realized that I had seen Jenniver Hudson at a benefit for Actor's Equity, she was Jewel in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. She was fantastic in both. I hope she does well.
Now, I'm off to a bar, with friends, to have fun. I work like a dog, I'm entitled to a couple of drinks, some fun times and oogling.
A.B.
Friday, February 23, 2007
A Done Deed
At 3.15 pm today, I delivered my purchase agreement and down payment for my apartment. Closing is scheduled to occur in mid-April. I've lined up my mortgage bank and locked in a rate. Now, I need to wait for closing. This is a very odd feeling.
Also, today is day 30 of not smoking! I am feeling cravings because I have been staffed on three transactions, all seem to need some degree of attention at the same time, while I was trying to finalize the purchase agreement and the mortgage matter. But, now that that has been accomplished, I am ready to tackle work.
Tomorrow I am supposed to be seeing "The Apple Tree". I hope it is good.
A.B.
Also, today is day 30 of not smoking! I am feeling cravings because I have been staffed on three transactions, all seem to need some degree of attention at the same time, while I was trying to finalize the purchase agreement and the mortgage matter. But, now that that has been accomplished, I am ready to tackle work.
Tomorrow I am supposed to be seeing "The Apple Tree". I hope it is good.
A.B.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Changes
I have been quite busy with my switch and matters relating to the apartment I am purchasing. In addition, I have been entertaining a guest; a dear friend from back home; straight; the first person I ever told "I'm gay". H.D. has been a friend through thick and thin, and though we have had our differences, we have always rescued our friendship.
I have been entertaining random thoughts of sadness, depression, relief, hope, angst and disappointment. After my last call with W.W., I have not heard back from him. We were supposed to do something later in the week. Again, I despair. And I despair at our collective inability to be forthright with each other and honest. To not be attracted to someone is not offensive; to like someone but not feel chemistry is not wrong. Why can't we just say these things? I am disappointed because once more I have ended up in a situation where I developed some hopes about someone and that did not come to fruition. I am saddened.
This time, I will implement the lesson I have learned. I won't call him, I won't try to make things better, or prove myself worthy of his attention. I will let this go, now, and in the future.
Today is day 28 of not smoking. Yesterday, February 20, I switched over to the 14 mg patch. I had been using the 21 mg patch. I am definitely feeling the change; I perceive the lowering of the dosage because I am antsy.
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my grandmother's passing and the 8th anniversary of my becoming an attorney back home. Today, I will be signing the purchase agreement for my apartment. I will do this alone. Not exactly how I had planned or hoped that this would happen, but the time has come.
H.D. and I had the most amazing dinner at Lupa on Monday. I had been wanting to take him there during his last couple of trips, but for one reason or another, hadn't made it happen. He loved my suggestion and we caught up for 3 hours and went back home. I'm lucky to have him as a friend; if only he were gay. He was metrosexual way before the word was coined. He actually was my first adult crush. He knows it and we often joke about it. I call him princess.
A.B.
I have been entertaining random thoughts of sadness, depression, relief, hope, angst and disappointment. After my last call with W.W., I have not heard back from him. We were supposed to do something later in the week. Again, I despair. And I despair at our collective inability to be forthright with each other and honest. To not be attracted to someone is not offensive; to like someone but not feel chemistry is not wrong. Why can't we just say these things? I am disappointed because once more I have ended up in a situation where I developed some hopes about someone and that did not come to fruition. I am saddened.
This time, I will implement the lesson I have learned. I won't call him, I won't try to make things better, or prove myself worthy of his attention. I will let this go, now, and in the future.
Today is day 28 of not smoking. Yesterday, February 20, I switched over to the 14 mg patch. I had been using the 21 mg patch. I am definitely feeling the change; I perceive the lowering of the dosage because I am antsy.
Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my grandmother's passing and the 8th anniversary of my becoming an attorney back home. Today, I will be signing the purchase agreement for my apartment. I will do this alone. Not exactly how I had planned or hoped that this would happen, but the time has come.
H.D. and I had the most amazing dinner at Lupa on Monday. I had been wanting to take him there during his last couple of trips, but for one reason or another, hadn't made it happen. He loved my suggestion and we caught up for 3 hours and went back home. I'm lucky to have him as a friend; if only he were gay. He was metrosexual way before the word was coined. He actually was my first adult crush. He knows it and we often joke about it. I call him princess.
A.B.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Update...
A lot has happened in my life in the past three weeks. Starting with the last-minute cancellation of my date with W.W. – I had planned to cook for him at my apartment, a traditional Mexican meal. That hasn’t happened.
January 31, 2007 was the last day at my job. I had been there for 4 ½ years, but hadn’t really been happy there. The last 1 ½ years had been torture, and I dreaded going to work every morning. I had an offer extended by another law firm back in September 2006 which I had accepted. I needed to wait until January 2007 to collect a bonus and then announce my departure. My new job begins tomorrow, February 12, 2007. I am quite looking forward to a new professional beginning. I have heard many amazing things about my new firm.
Following my departure, I went on a vacation – alone. This was my first vacation on my own. It turned out to be a very good and healthy exercise. On my way, I had a layover in Miami and had pre-arranged to meet my father – whom I had not seen in 5 or 6 years and with whom I had limited conversations during that time (about two a year). Our encounter was thankfully good – and brief. My father informed me that a couple of years ago he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer but was doing alright now. He told me that he hadn’t told us because he didn’t want me (or my sister) to start being in touch with him again because of his illness. I told him that despite our differences, we were family and that those differences aside, we would have been there for him.
My first day on my vacation, I got a call from W.W. We spoke, he asked when I was going on vacation, etc. We discussed getting together again the following Sunday, for a movie.
I ended up scuba diving a lot on my vacation, relaxing, going out to dinner to various restaurants on the island and reading. I had a lot of time to think about my life. At the same time, I had to deal with an offer I had placed on an apartment. Months ago I had seen this apartment and revisited again just prior to my vacation. I decided to discuss pricing with the sponsor and during my vacation, was able to finalize and agree to a price. When I arrived I purchased the offering memorandum and am awaiting a contract. I may be a homeowner sometime soon.
Although it stresses me out, it is also a cool step in my life, albeit a step I had envisioned myself taking with a life partner/partner in life. Even if things don’t turn out as I had planned, I decided to not limit my life by those aspirations that haven’t yet been realized. So, homeownership (apartment-ownership?) may soon come into being. In actuality, I am quite thrilled at the prospect of furnishing my new home, etc.
Today, I was supposed to have my date with W.W. I had called him yesterday and not heard back from him. He had told me he was going out to a party on Saturday night (one of those anti-Valentine day parties). Well, it turns out it was the Blackhearts Party (featured in this week’s TimeOut). I called him again this afternoon (which I knew I shouldn’t have done… I mean, I just don’t get it). I got voicemail once more. I got a call about an hour later. He had just woken up because of the party he went to. Turned out he got home at 7 am. Anyhow, he cancelled, said he wasn’t feeling social. He said we should do something later in the week. I didn’t hide my discontent and just told him that he should give me a call if he wanted to get together.
Finally, today is day 18 (I feel like I am in A.A.) of not smoking. I am proud of the accomplishment and hope to keep this up. Although, at times like these I could certainly use a cigarette, I won’t.
A.B.
January 31, 2007 was the last day at my job. I had been there for 4 ½ years, but hadn’t really been happy there. The last 1 ½ years had been torture, and I dreaded going to work every morning. I had an offer extended by another law firm back in September 2006 which I had accepted. I needed to wait until January 2007 to collect a bonus and then announce my departure. My new job begins tomorrow, February 12, 2007. I am quite looking forward to a new professional beginning. I have heard many amazing things about my new firm.
Following my departure, I went on a vacation – alone. This was my first vacation on my own. It turned out to be a very good and healthy exercise. On my way, I had a layover in Miami and had pre-arranged to meet my father – whom I had not seen in 5 or 6 years and with whom I had limited conversations during that time (about two a year). Our encounter was thankfully good – and brief. My father informed me that a couple of years ago he had been diagnosed with prostate cancer but was doing alright now. He told me that he hadn’t told us because he didn’t want me (or my sister) to start being in touch with him again because of his illness. I told him that despite our differences, we were family and that those differences aside, we would have been there for him.
My first day on my vacation, I got a call from W.W. We spoke, he asked when I was going on vacation, etc. We discussed getting together again the following Sunday, for a movie.
I ended up scuba diving a lot on my vacation, relaxing, going out to dinner to various restaurants on the island and reading. I had a lot of time to think about my life. At the same time, I had to deal with an offer I had placed on an apartment. Months ago I had seen this apartment and revisited again just prior to my vacation. I decided to discuss pricing with the sponsor and during my vacation, was able to finalize and agree to a price. When I arrived I purchased the offering memorandum and am awaiting a contract. I may be a homeowner sometime soon.
Although it stresses me out, it is also a cool step in my life, albeit a step I had envisioned myself taking with a life partner/partner in life. Even if things don’t turn out as I had planned, I decided to not limit my life by those aspirations that haven’t yet been realized. So, homeownership (apartment-ownership?) may soon come into being. In actuality, I am quite thrilled at the prospect of furnishing my new home, etc.
Today, I was supposed to have my date with W.W. I had called him yesterday and not heard back from him. He had told me he was going out to a party on Saturday night (one of those anti-Valentine day parties). Well, it turns out it was the Blackhearts Party (featured in this week’s TimeOut). I called him again this afternoon (which I knew I shouldn’t have done… I mean, I just don’t get it). I got voicemail once more. I got a call about an hour later. He had just woken up because of the party he went to. Turned out he got home at 7 am. Anyhow, he cancelled, said he wasn’t feeling social. He said we should do something later in the week. I didn’t hide my discontent and just told him that he should give me a call if he wanted to get together.
Finally, today is day 18 (I feel like I am in A.A.) of not smoking. I am proud of the accomplishment and hope to keep this up. Although, at times like these I could certainly use a cigarette, I won’t.
A.B.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Day # 3 and others...
A week ago, I went to my doctor. I told him I needed to stop smoking. I had increased my vice to a pack a day of Marlboro Ultra Lights and hated myself for it. It's such a disgusting vice, but I couldn't help myself. Smoking was relaxing, de-stressing, escapist. I had quit in January 2001 with the help of my acupuncturist back home. In one session, I quit. I didn't pick up a cigarette for 4 1/2 years. When I hit stressful times, I began smoking again.
On January 17, my doctor prescribed a medication, to be taken once daily for five days, the doubled for two additional days, followed by the same dosis and the use of the nicotine 21 mg patch. I will be seeing him on February 12 for a follow up.
Today is my third day of the patch, and though I have hung in there and made every effort to not smoke, I continue to have the urge. I have fought it, but still feel the desire. But I will NOT smoke.
Today, I bumped into R.G. in the locker room at the gym. For the first time since we stopped dating, I was able to speak to him without feeling any pangs. We had a brief conversation about my job switch, his work travels and said goodbye. I was completely nervous because I had lost my nicotine patch on the gym floor (it was inside my book) and he said, you seem to be in a hurry. I told him that I had lost something and was concerned. I said goodbye, went to the gym floor, found the patch and, as I was coming downstairs, saw him again and just said that I had found it.
After that, I put the damned thing on, ran to order flowers for three partners at my firm, as a goodbye and thank you token and had brunch with a friend and former colleague, P.B. We went to Extra Virgin. I ate the ultra-decadent french toast and told him the saga of my departure. We finished brunch and said our goodbyes and I ran to an appointment to see three apartments for sale in the Village. I may place an offer on one on Monday.
After that, I came home, rested and looked up mortgage rates, calculators and the like and then ran to a birthday celebration at Sala for a friend. I drank too much Sangria and came home to walk my dog and write this.
Long day! Tomorrow I will take it easy and then go to L.C. apartment for dinner and Desperate Housewives.
A.B.
On January 17, my doctor prescribed a medication, to be taken once daily for five days, the doubled for two additional days, followed by the same dosis and the use of the nicotine 21 mg patch. I will be seeing him on February 12 for a follow up.
Today is my third day of the patch, and though I have hung in there and made every effort to not smoke, I continue to have the urge. I have fought it, but still feel the desire. But I will NOT smoke.
Today, I bumped into R.G. in the locker room at the gym. For the first time since we stopped dating, I was able to speak to him without feeling any pangs. We had a brief conversation about my job switch, his work travels and said goodbye. I was completely nervous because I had lost my nicotine patch on the gym floor (it was inside my book) and he said, you seem to be in a hurry. I told him that I had lost something and was concerned. I said goodbye, went to the gym floor, found the patch and, as I was coming downstairs, saw him again and just said that I had found it.
After that, I put the damned thing on, ran to order flowers for three partners at my firm, as a goodbye and thank you token and had brunch with a friend and former colleague, P.B. We went to Extra Virgin. I ate the ultra-decadent french toast and told him the saga of my departure. We finished brunch and said our goodbyes and I ran to an appointment to see three apartments for sale in the Village. I may place an offer on one on Monday.
After that, I came home, rested and looked up mortgage rates, calculators and the like and then ran to a birthday celebration at Sala for a friend. I drank too much Sangria and came home to walk my dog and write this.
Long day! Tomorrow I will take it easy and then go to L.C. apartment for dinner and Desperate Housewives.
A.B.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Go figure...
| You Are An ISTJ |
The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer. |
Friday, January 19, 2007
Update of sorts...
Finished reading "The Year of Magical Thinking" and then gave it to my mom to read. The book evoked many memories of my grandmother's passing and the ensuing years.
I also finished reading "The Married Man" by Edmund White, which had me in tears at the end. Without a doubt, it is a book all should read. Love is a complicated thing.
I have currently moved on to "Dry", after having read "Running with Scissors" and seen the movie. So far, entertaining.
Resigned at my job on Tuesday, much to the surprise of those I work and have worked with. I went to every single partner's and associate's office that I have worked with in the past 4 1/2 years to let them know. I would rather have them hear it from the horses mouth than via rumor. Several partners have met up with me to ask that I reconsider and offered me an opportunity within the firm. This is highly unusual and extremely flattering and I am confused. I asked to have the weekend to think about this and get back to them.
Admiring Aaron Brett Charney for filing a lawsuit against a firm, alleging discrimination based on sexual orientation. Following the case as more news becomes available.
Had a date two weeks ago with W.W., scheduled a date for last week with W.W. that he cancelled due to illness. Haven't heard much from him since the cancellation. Smells like the kiss of death to me, not sure he remains interested.
More later.
A.B.
I also finished reading "The Married Man" by Edmund White, which had me in tears at the end. Without a doubt, it is a book all should read. Love is a complicated thing.
I have currently moved on to "Dry", after having read "Running with Scissors" and seen the movie. So far, entertaining.
Resigned at my job on Tuesday, much to the surprise of those I work and have worked with. I went to every single partner's and associate's office that I have worked with in the past 4 1/2 years to let them know. I would rather have them hear it from the horses mouth than via rumor. Several partners have met up with me to ask that I reconsider and offered me an opportunity within the firm. This is highly unusual and extremely flattering and I am confused. I asked to have the weekend to think about this and get back to them.
Admiring Aaron Brett Charney for filing a lawsuit against a firm, alleging discrimination based on sexual orientation. Following the case as more news becomes available.
Had a date two weeks ago with W.W., scheduled a date for last week with W.W. that he cancelled due to illness. Haven't heard much from him since the cancellation. Smells like the kiss of death to me, not sure he remains interested.
More later.
A.B.
Monday, January 08, 2007
New Year's Resolutions
This year, I spent New Year's at my friend C.C.'s. Her parents were visiting in town and we had dinner at her apartment. C.C.'s mother asked that we all write down are New Year's resolutions, which were to be read aloud after New Year's. These were my resolutions:
1) To learn to enjoy my life as it is and to accept everything in my life as it is or comes
2) To be a better son and brother
3) To love, and to allow myself to be loved
4) To maintain my weight and continue exercising
5) To develop myself professionally
6) To travel more
7) To establish a healthy relationship with my father
We shall see how 2007 develops.
A.B.
1) To learn to enjoy my life as it is and to accept everything in my life as it is or comes
2) To be a better son and brother
3) To love, and to allow myself to be loved
4) To maintain my weight and continue exercising
5) To develop myself professionally
6) To travel more
7) To establish a healthy relationship with my father
We shall see how 2007 develops.
A.B.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Happy New Year!
To all,
May 2007 be a year full of renewed hope and dreams, coupled with happiness and joy. May the tenacity of your spirit grow with each day!
A.B.
May 2007 be a year full of renewed hope and dreams, coupled with happiness and joy. May the tenacity of your spirit grow with each day!
A.B.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Home Sweet Home
Arrived safe and sound in Mexico on Friday 12/22/06... although the flight was slightly delayed, and my pooch traveled in a special cargo area, which was stressful to me, we made it.
I hit the ground running and saw a friend for dinner. It was nice to see G.C.R. face to face; luckily he is doing well, just came out of a relationship but that ended on good terms, he is looking spectacular and life in general is good for him. I was thrilled to see him. He is one of those good, no, great friends that remain unaffected by time and distance. We had dinner at a restaurant curiously named "Otto" which, unfortunately, wasn't as great as the New York counterpart.
Saturday, I met with my former boss and good friend B.E.; G.C.R. accompanied us, we had Chinese at a Hunan, an old haunt. After that we then went to a club which was completely empty, but we had a good time.
Sunday was Christmas; my mom cooked a fabulous dinner, typical recipes in our family and today was just a relaxing day. I saw a very good movie at home with my mom, Elsa y Fred, about an older woman and her neighbor and their budding romantic relationship. It was quite sweet and inspiring.
Before my trip home, I met with W.W. for dinner. We had tapas and after that I asked him if he would like to grab dessert, so we did and we went to Chikalicious. Absolutely delicious.
More later,
A.B.
I hit the ground running and saw a friend for dinner. It was nice to see G.C.R. face to face; luckily he is doing well, just came out of a relationship but that ended on good terms, he is looking spectacular and life in general is good for him. I was thrilled to see him. He is one of those good, no, great friends that remain unaffected by time and distance. We had dinner at a restaurant curiously named "Otto" which, unfortunately, wasn't as great as the New York counterpart.
Saturday, I met with my former boss and good friend B.E.; G.C.R. accompanied us, we had Chinese at a Hunan, an old haunt. After that we then went to a club which was completely empty, but we had a good time.
Sunday was Christmas; my mom cooked a fabulous dinner, typical recipes in our family and today was just a relaxing day. I saw a very good movie at home with my mom, Elsa y Fred, about an older woman and her neighbor and their budding romantic relationship. It was quite sweet and inspiring.
Before my trip home, I met with W.W. for dinner. We had tapas and after that I asked him if he would like to grab dessert, so we did and we went to Chikalicious. Absolutely delicious.
More later,
A.B.
Friday, December 15, 2006
The Chocolates
Due to some mailroom delays, the chocolates arrived at W.W.'s desk on Tuesday, in the afternoon. I received a thank you e-mail stating that they had put a huge smile on his face. Cloud 9 has nothing on me. We have a date Saturday :-)
A.B.
A.B.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Neruda, Pablo
Pablo Neruda is absolutely gifted. I just bought a bilingual compendium of his work.
Such a beautiful expression of love.
A.B.
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
Pablo Neruda
Such a beautiful expression of love.
A.B.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Romantic...
Yesterday late afternoon, I sent W.W. a tiny box of chocolates from La Maison du Chocolat and a thank you note.
A.B.
A.B.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Cr[Bl]ackberry usage
So, I read this on WSJ today:
December 8, 2006, 5:21 pm
BlackBerry Addicts: A 12-Step
Program
Posted by Peter Lattman
WSJ.com’s most-emailed and most-read story of the day: “BlackBerry Orphans,” a tale about the unexpected impact the devices are having on family dynamics. We know that lawyers — and those of us at the Law Blog — are chronic BlackBerry users, so we urge you to read the story. But the sidebar, “A 12-Step Program for Addicts,” is a keeper. Here are the recommendations, and feel free to add your two cents:
1. During meals, do not check email.
2. Do not hide your email habits from family members. If you feel that someone would be upset to see you BlackBerrying, it’s a sign that you probably shouldn’t be.
3. Commit to stop emailing while driving (even at red lights), walking across the street or doing anything that requires careful attention.
4. Do not check email for the first hour of the day. In addition to giving you time to leisurely read the newspaper or spend time with your family, the practice will help you shake the tic-like checking ritual.
5. Endeavor to leave the mobile email device in the car or at home when attending any function taking place at your child’s school, or when picking up your child from school.
6. Decide on an email-free block of time. Parents should first assess their child’s conversational patterns — some like to talk about their day immediately after school, others just before bedtime. Even if your child doesn’t seem interested in talking, stick to your promise not to email during that time.
7. Set boundaries at work: Alert your colleagues that your mobile email device will be turned off during the predetermined time slot.
8. Actually turn off your device and stick it in a drawer during the time you’ve designated as email-free.
9. If you are in the middle of a work crisis, still try to respect some boundaries. Consider blocking out a few 15-minute periods to check email — and then turn the device off again. Honestly assess whether the situation at work is an actual crisis that can’t be solved without your oversight.
10. When emailing while socializing or spending time with your family, ask yourself if your priority at that moment is enjoying after-work activities or getting work done. If it is the former, power-down. If it’s the latter, return to the office.
11. Upon arriving home, practice a ritual that helps you mentally separate the work day from the after-work evening. Light a candle, put on music, pour a cocktail. Don’t check your email during this time.
12. If mobile email overuse creates tension between you and your significant other, consider creating jointly agreed-upon BlackBerry-free zones. For instance, unless your bedroom doubles as a home office, consider maintaining it as a sanctuary of your personal life.So thrilled I didn't take my crackberry with me during my dates... then again, I am still not back at the office.
A.B.
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