Th@T

Therapy (both individual and group) has helped shed much light on my thought processes. To explore one's upbringing and reactions to understand the why's and what's of our lives is challenging, saddening, difficult and revelatory.

My latest revelation, if we can call it that, was realizing that I am my own worst critic in a very unhealthy manner. I have always thought that the ability to be self-critical (in general) is an important trait, almost a virtue. To be able to look at oneself from the outside and judge (objectively, kindly) is a conscious act; to do so is to affirmatively want to better oneself.

In my case, however, I have taken this ability to be self-critical to new dimensions. And therapy has begun to show me this. What others see as accomplishments and goals to be proud of, I see as mere completion of tasks. Be first in class, check. Get scholarship, check. Move to New York, check. Finish studies, check. Get job at New York law firm, check. Lose 40 lbs, check. Buy apartment, check. Tasks, not accomplishments. The satisfaction attained is minimal because I have viewed these things as a duty not a goal; there is no pride or joy associated. Quite grim. Furthermore, once finished, I look back only to think that I didn't do it right, that the act of finishing it wasn't gargantuan or special or praiseworthy, it could have been done better, quicker.

Through my sessions it has become apparent that these "duties" others see as accomplishments (magnificent or minute, regardless) that I should stop to enjoy. My immediate reaction to finishing something is to look and see what is next on the list and to begin to fret about it and plan around it.

So, lately, I've been trying to stop, think and smile. I stop from my activities, think about something I've done and smile about it. It sounds lame, sometimes it feels artificial, but pausing to ponder about something, like my apartment, or my new job, makes it worthy.

A.B.

Movie Recommendation

If you have not yet had the opportunity to see "The Lives of Others" (Das Leben der Anderen), I would suggest you do. This is a movie on issues relevant to our times: freedom of speech, repression, liberty of conscience.

Not only was I stupefied throughout the movie because of the power it evokes, I could not help but understand each character, his/her motivations and fears, and hopes.

I highly recommend this film and will be purchasing it on DVD. It certainly deserved an Oscar.

A.B.

This week and then fuck 'em and then go Jen

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Work has, yet again, overtaken my life. But, instead of being resentful, I must say, I wasn't terribly angered. The difference, I suppose, is that my new work environment is filled with people who say such things as "I'm really sorry you had to stay late last night, but I really do appreciate it," and "It seems we are going to have to work this weekend, I know it's a pain, but let's try to get this done as fast as possible to salvage some personal time."

My prior law firm was of the not so uncommon variety where those pleasantries, that consideration for others, just didn't exist. So yeah, it sucks to work until 5 am two days in a row, to work a weekend straight through, but at least people acknowledge that it's tough, they apologize for it and they try to make the best of it. Yes, it is part of my job, demanding clients, demanding hours, fickle clients, etc. But, at least my team (my new team) knows it and acknowledges it.

Last night my friend CDK invited me to see Grey Gardens, with his boyfriend and their friend E.S. We enjoyed the show, quite depressing actually, but a great show nonetheless. Around the world...

Today, I got to go to the gym, after ages of not having been there. And then ran home to walk my pooch, to then head to the office to work. I saw scheduled to have a date this evening with a gentleman I had met online and gone out with three times before. I called him in the afternoon to let him know I was at work, that I had arrived at 1 pm and was hoping to make it out no later than 7 pm to make it to our 7.30 pm movie.

Inevitably, the senior associate needed this, he needed that, could I send this out, etc. and 7 pm rolled around. At 7.10 I grabbed my things, ordered a car and ran downstairs. While I was in the lobby I called my date and told him I was running a bit late, had gotten stuck at the office but was just waiting for the car service to arrive. He asked "What does that mean?", and I responded that a car would be picking me up and taking me to the theater. I offered "If you would like, go into the theater, you can leave my ticket at the box office, and I will come in and find you." He said ok and we hung up. I put my phone in my pocket and got into the car. I showed up at the theater in Union Square at 7.28 pm. I asked for my ticket and was informed that there was no ticket in that name. I walked outside, tried to find my date and didn't see him. So I grabbed my phone to call him and saw that I had a missed call and voicemail.

I checked my voicemail. It was my date. The message was as follows:

"Hey A.B. it's [DATE], I'm calling you right back. I'm gonna suggest we skip it tonight. I have been through this so many times, I just have different priorities. You have your priorities, they are different. I have done this too many times where people are always just putting themselves first. It ends up being imbalanced, catering to them and their needs. We are very busy people and have to make choices on how to spend our time. I get tired trying to compensate. So I think we should just skip it. I'm gonna go home and relax. It's been a busy week for me as well, in a different way. Nevertheless, I could just see your priorities are different. I hope you make the right decisions and are happy. Bye."

I of course called him immediately, with my call going directly to voicemail to say that I had arrived at 7.29 pm, I was sorry I was late, but that I couldn't just chuck work. It is unfortunate, but I just can't do that. I tried my best and called to let him know I was running late. I wished him a good night and hung up.

So, a little info on the DATE. He is 41, from the midwest, works in the financial industry and has a job with predictable hours (read 9 to 6). I, and I am very candid about this, am young in my career, expected to put in the extra effort/miles/etc. I am not my own boss and don't set my hours. I can try to manage, but I am not the ultimate decision maker. Anyhow, it is clear to me that he and I will not be seeing each other again. Regardless, for a 41 year old man to act like a child and so capriciously (read temper tantrum) is indicative of a future I would want no part in.

Then I bought a ticket to see Dreamgirls. Boy can that Jennifer Hudson belt a tune! Plus, I just realized that I had seen Jenniver Hudson at a benefit for Actor's Equity, she was Jewel in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. She was fantastic in both. I hope she does well.

Now, I'm off to a bar, with friends, to have fun. I work like a dog, I'm entitled to a couple of drinks, some fun times and oogling.

A.B.