New Found Love... for New Jersey!

Gotta love New Jersey now, not for being progressive, but rather for being realistic about equality:

HELD: Denying committed same-sex couples the financial and social benefits and privileges given to their married heterosexual counterparts bears no substantial relationship to a legitimate governmental purpose. The Court holds that under the equal protection guarantee of Article I, Paragraph 1 of the New Jersey Constitution, committed same sex couples must be afforded on equal terms the same rights and benefits enjoyed by opposite-sex couples under the civil marriage statutes. The name to be given to the statutory scheme that provides full rights and benefits to same sex couples, whether marriage or some other term, is a matter left to the democratic process.

As I have thought before, they can call it fruit loops for all I care, just as long as I have the same rights and obligations of my heterosexual counterparts.

I guess I now will need to go find my fruit loop and head to New Jersey.

A.B.

W. H. Auden - 'In Memory of W.B. Yeats'

The guy on Sunday recited this to me, from Auden:

Time that is intolerant
Of the brave and the innocent,
And indifferent in a week
To a beautiful physique,

Worships language and forgives
Everyone by whom it lives;
Pardons cowardice, conceit,
Lays its honours at their feet.

Time that with this strange excuse
Pardoned Kipling and his views,
And will pardon Paul Claudel,
Pardons him for writing well.

In the nightmare of the dark
All the dogs of Europe bark,
And the living nations wait,
Each sequestered in its hate;

Intellectual disgrace
Stares from every human face,
And the seas of pity lie
Locked and frozen in each eye.

Follow, poet, follow right
To the bottom of the night,
With your unconstraining voice
Still persuade us to rejoice.

A.B.

This weekend's dates

I had three dates this weekend: a Friday evening movie and dinner; a Saturday brunch and a Sunday evening cocktails and dinner, with three different guys.

FRIDAY: I had been out once before with this guy, an architect. An incredibly nice guy, he is becoming acquainted with a friend of mine and shortly prior to meeting my friend had contacted me on Friendster. I have enjoyed our two dates but didn't feel much of a connection and will need to speak to him about that. I hope he can become a friend.

SATURDAY: This guy contacted me on gay.com. He just recently moved to the city. Very talkative and a little to pushy. I have received several e-mails a day from him. After our brunch, we each went our separate ways and that evening he sent me an instant message asking if I would like to go out to the movies on Sunday. On Sunday, I knew I was going to have a busy day with work (deal signing) and thus wouldn't be available. I let him know and on Monday morning he e-mailed me asking whether the deal had signed. I let him know it did and he responded with "Great. Now I'll have you all to myself". He has sent several messages of this type both prior to and after meeting on Saturday for brunch and it feels slightly stressful. We barely know each other and he has already thrown out the topic of exclusivity as well. Not seeing much of a future.

SUNDAY: I was on gay.com while on conference calls on Sunday and a guy sent me a message. I read his profile and saw his pictures. I thought he was attractive and we had a conversation over Instant Messenger. He asked if I would be up for meeting for a drink and I ventured. We settled on meeting at G Bar in Chelsea at 6.30pm. We met, had a couple of drinks and then decided to grab dinner. We went to this Thai restaurant on 8th Ave. After dinner, we decided to grab coffee at *$$ to continue our conversation. Throughout the evening, I had to keep checking my blackberry every time it went off because of the darn transaction that was supposed to sign (it did sign, at 4 am Monday morning). I found him to be very nice, quite possibly because he was born and raised abroad and moved to New York to pursue a degree in fashion and then ended up staying here. I'm hoping we will get together soon.

Although it is fun to meet people, I am growing a bit tired of having to balance it all out. Too much work involved in it.

A.B.

Dinner...

Went to the gym last night, felt like I needed a workout. My gym attendance has been spotty lately, between work and social commitments. Alas, I felt the need and went. Saw many new people at the gym and bumped into someone I had met at Opus 22 one Sunday over the Summer. We chatted briefly, he asked how I was doing, and about the guy I was dating. I briefed him and then he brought up The Devil Wears Prada and said that from now on he would call me "6" because of the whole Stanley Tucci/Anne Hathaway conversation regarding her dress size. It made me chuckle.

Anyhow, walked out from the gym and grabbed dinner... My gym has a 'wich craft, so I ordered what turned out to be an amazingly tasty sandwich: grilled cheddar, smoked ham, pear and mustard on cranberry-pecan bread. Tantalizing! I had a glass of valpolicella at home with it and just kicked back. Wonderful way to wind down.

A.B.

Dove Beauty Campaign

I have to hand it to Dove, for actually "making it real". By analogy, gay men are also subject to the same distortive effect of advertising. I haven't seen a picture yet in HX, Next or Metrosource of a regular guy. Dont' get me wrong, they can be nice to look at, but the entirety of advertising/marketing efforts are skewed; feelings of inadequacy can't be helped.

So, next time I need 6-pack abs, I'll just photoshop them in. I am sure there is a feature in PhotoShop to do that.

Consider this:



A.B.

This Monday Surely Didn't Get Me Down!

Work was blah today... little things coming back to my desk, conference calls that got delayed, drafting that was just tortuous. But then, an e-mail. A reminder. L.J., my friend C.C.'s friend, e-mailed. A.B., just writing to confirm you will be coming to the benefit tonight, for the Actor's Fund of America, to see "The Best LIttle Whorehouse in Texas". I cringed. I forgot. It was one of those things I confirmed to thinking I would cancel or L.J. would just forget... big corporate event, so many people, I would slip into oblivion. I hadn't.

Seven o'clock in the evening and it was time to bolt from the office. Make it or break it. I dashed to the theater, on 52nd, between 7th and 8th. I thought I would have to put on a good face. I arrived and see C.C., we embrace, kiss, chat. She looks luminous, just got back from home, had a great time. L.J. arrives and we walk in. The theater is full of very handsome men, I trip up as I walk, not looking where I'm stepping, distracted at the sights. Then I think actors, nah. I bump into a co-worker with whom I am staffed on a project, she ends up sitting next to me.

We listen to Liz Smith give a moving speech, references to Ann Richards, etc. Funny, moving, thoughtful, provoking. Curtain raises, show begins, laughs abound. The performance is odd, as actors have books in their hands, and glance for a reference to their lines. Then I realize, this performance has been put up in a matter of weeks, with actors from all over Broadway, as a benefit. And yet, the pull it off perfectly.

I laugh, I joke with my co-worker, with L.J., C.C. The actors are enthralled at being there, they have a glow, a joy. It's contaminous. They are amazing, in short.

Intermission... some watch is being auctioned. I wonder on over, mere curiosity. A Cartier Roadster, Men's. Who know's what it was, but I was possessed and bid. I walked around, came back. Someone else had bid. No, that watch is going to be mine. I bid again. I walk around, came back. Someone else had bid again. That watch will be mine. I bid again. Call to the show.

Second half of the show is even more mesmerizing. What voices, what passion. I wondered what it would be like to have that passion in my line of work. I lose my train of thought as laughter takes over.

The show comes to an end. I run to the lobby and linger. Where do the bids stand. I have been outbid, the jerk walks away and says, at least it will cost you more. I can't care. I end up winning the bid at below what I had expected to pay for the watch. I pick it up tomorrow. The owner of Wempe has my picture taken, cards are exchanged, contact information taken.

Can't even think of sleeping right now.

A.B.

The Weekend

This was a fun weekend. I got out pretty early from the office on Friday - at least by my standards, 6.30 pm. I ran home, dropped my things off and headed to "People" in the Lower East Side. Faustus, M.D. was giving a reading there at 7 pm and so I thought it would be a good opportunity to see him live. Of course, I got there, saw him and then didn't know how to approach him to say hello, and I didn't. The reading was very entertaining and he is very funny in person.

After that, I had dinner with an old friend I haven't seen in a while. He has gone through some tough times, being unemployed and unable to find a new job. He seemed in good spirits, very jovial and conversational. It was nice spending time with him again, as he holds a special place in my heart. After my break up from my 4 1/2 year relationship, he was the first person I met and he helped me at a difficult time in my own life.

Saturday was the typical personal training session at the gym. I dutifully report that the abdominal section is still in repose and not nearing 6-pack status. The workout was very good and my trainer was a blast. He keeps me moving and flexing.

After that, I ran to an appointment to see an apartment. This building, in the Village, just got refurbished so I thought I would take a look. I was very disappointed. I went home, did some work and then got ready for my evening at Radio City.

I met my friends at Ritz, a new bar in Hell's Kitchen, or new to me at least. We had a couple of drinks and then strolled on over to Radio City. We got there just as the show was opening and from then until the end of the show, I did not stop dancing. It was liberating. My friends had a good time and I bumped into several other acquaintances during intermission. Such a small world.

After that, we had dinner at Hell's Kitchen, one of my favorite nouvelle Mexican cuisine restaurants. Our conversation was diverse, from dating, to not dating, to work and fashion. It was nice to kick back with people I hold dear. The couple that invited me to this show is the couple that got married in the Berkshires. There was a lot to talk about, from wrapping down the wedding to their future plans. It was terrific to see that marriage is no longer impossible and that stability and love can be found.

Following our dinner, we went our separate ways and I decided to go bar-hopping, alone. It was nice to just spend time with myself, to contemplate recent events and my life as it now stands.

I ended up at a bar near my apartment and bumped into, yet again, another friend. He was there with a group of his friends and his boyfriend. I got a chance to spend time with him and with one of his friends he has been meaning to introduce me. His friend and I had a nice talk about restaurants, New York, the concert and cuisines. He seems like a really nice guy.

Sunday was just a relaxing day at home. Had coffee with a guy I met on gay.com, definitely too young for me, but nice all the same. The rest of the day I just stayed at home, played with my dog and watched junk TV and movies. FYI, Scary Movie 4 sucks. What possessed me to put that on my queue?

A.B.

Barbra Streisand - Concert at Madison Square Garden

I got these tickets from my firm to the box at the Garden to see Barbra Streisand. The show was great. I am realizing I like it more when the concerts are about the artist's performance and vocal capabilities and not bright lights, lots of dancing, etc.

The show was brilliant, Barbra was funny and she did a skit with a George Bush impersonator. Although it was funny (the impersonator nailed him to a peg), it really wasn't necessary.

A.B.

James Blunt - Concert - Radio City Music Hall

My friend L.C. invited me to the James Blunt concert at Radio City Music Hall last night (10/10/06). I am a fan of James Blunt, I had heard his song "Beautiful" sometime ago and ended up purchasing the CD. I don't normally buy CDs, just occasionally.

I truly enjoyed the CD and play it quite frequently. I have even cited one of his songs, Goodbye My Lover, on this site. I find his lyrics to be passionately powerful, a pouring of the soul if you will. And with my romantic life in shambles, not being able to get things right, the words are a subterfuge for my emotions.

The concert was magnificent, not a showy, glammed-up event. Just a singer/songwriter, performing his tunes. And that was more than enough. L.C. and I did shed a tear with Goodbye My Lover.

After that, we went to Bar Americain to have a glass of wine and catch up. She confessed she thought that the guy wasn't that hot, but that she hadn't told me because she felt it wasn't really important. She did of course say that I shouldn't feel or get down because of him. I assured her that in this case, my initial reservations had proved correct and that I was glad I hadn't completely let me heart go.

I walked into the office today, e-mailed her to thank her for a fantastic time and 20 minutes later won 2 tickets to see Barbra Streisand at the firm's box in Madison Square Garden. I immediately called L.C. and asked her to accompany me. So, tonight we are off to see Barbra, and I truly hope she tells someone to *fuck off*.

Saturday, a colleague invited me to see The Pet Shop Boys at Radio City Music Hall.

Three concerts in one week!

A.B.

The Guy 5 - Coffee

I had coffee with the guy this evening, a sort of vent what you will meeting. So, after talking and asking him why he would decide at dinner on Saturday to wrap his arm around me, hold my hand, rub my leg and, essentially, put on this show with this couple we were having dinner with, his response was "I don't know". Men just need to grow the fuck up and take responsbility for their actions. And not accept or allow their "date they are no longer interested in" to pay for their dinner when they have known for some weeks they are not interested in that person.

So, he basically said that although I was smart, funny, handsome, generous, nice, decent, etc., he couldn't get himself to feel attracted to me because I do not have a gym body, i.e., six pack abs and a rock hard body.

I basically told him I found this to be shallow, extremely superficial and something he would have, or should have, realized by our second or third date. Not two and a half months after dating.

At the end, he came by my apartment to pick up a sweatshirt and then offered to be friends. I guess he didn't understand it when I told him that I found his superficiality to be disturbing to me.

A.B.

The Guy - What it boiled down to

So, after a couple of very slow weeks with the guy, and a dinner on Saturday with a couple we had met during the Berkshires weekend, things have come to an end.

In his words, although the chemistry is there and I am nice to hang around with, he just doesn't feel like ripping my clothes off when he sees me. So, I am an ugly guy I suppose. I guess what pisses me off is that he didn't say something sooner and still was able to accept invitations, dinners, etc. on my ticket. So, in addition, I feel used.

After dinner on Saturday, he didn't want to stick around and said he would head home in a cab with this couple we had met. I knew then that it was done with. He had said he would call Sunday and he didn't. Further confirmation. Then an e-mail today with a short message that we should get together tomorrow night to talk over coffee.

I wasn't in the mood for protracting anything any further, so I called him and said I think I know what you need to talk to me about. And he hesitated, and then said he just wasn't into me. Story of my fucking life.

A.B.

:-)

I am in love with Tim Gunn's vocabulary and I think he is hot!

A.B.

Movies

Sunday I saw two spectacular movies. Somehow, I never saw The Color Purple. Back when it came out I was young(er) and it didn't really call out to me. That was unfortunate. But Sunday, I was overwhelmed. And it made me love Whoopi even more.

I also saw My Life Without Me, about a young wife and mother who is diagnosed with a terminal illness and given a few months to live. The main character makes all the necessary arrangements prior to her impending death and decides to do those things she feels she should have done, but never had an opportunity to do. Perhaps not a novel story-line, granted, but it was quite moving nonetheless.

A.B.

The Guy 3

A month into knowing the guy, I invited him on impulse to a wedding I was attending at the Berkshires. My friends have told me to not be too impulsive, it scares guys. The wedding was a gay wedding (my first) in the Berkshires and I had already made arrangements for an inn and car rental to get there. I invited the guy and he said he would love to go. We ended up going. We spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday together. We drove up together and had a lovely ride, although I got a speeding ticket.

We arrived Friday evening to a barn dinner with all the wedding guests. As we walked in, people turned to look at us. The grooms, friends of mine, hadn't met the guy yet and came over to greet us. One of the grooms whispered to me and asked where I had met him. The dinner was stupendous, a buffet style dinner with a country flair to it. We had a wonderful time and chatted with the grooms' parents and family and were asked on many occasions how long we had been together. Despite the slight awkwardness, it felt quite natural.

Saturday, we went horseback riding and then to lunch in one of the little surrounding towns. After that, we went back to the inn to get ready and then off to the wedding. The ceremony was a stellar event. After that, we crossed the highway to the grooms' home and attended the receptioin, which went late into the night.

On Sunday, we went to the brunch that was offered for the guests and family and then came back home. My mom arrived that afternoon to visit for a week, so on the way back I commented that because my mom would be here, and if he was alright with it, it would be nice if we could all three get together. He wasn't taken aback by this, quite the contrary, he said he would love to meet my mom.

I must say, I was surprised. My experience has been that guys just don't feel comfortable meeting the parents so soon. He took it in stride and that made me feel even more attracted to him than I did already.

On Monday, we went to a fashion show with my mom and then to dinner. And things were seamless. My mom, commenting on our way back home, said that she had found him to be so genuine and uncomplicated. He, in an e-mail the next day, stated that he thought my mom was so authentic and genuine. I would say it went well.

On Friday, the guy and I had dinner with my mom and my dear friend L.C. L.C. found the guy to be adorable.

So, things seem to be ok for the time being, although I do feel my haunting insecurities in the back of my mind. I have and am developing feelings for the guy.

A.B.

Globalization... of Stereotypes

I have dual citizenship. My parents, both foreign nationals (of the same country) were living in the United States when I, and my siblings, were born. Hence, we carry dual citizenship status. I was raised here as a child and subsequently moved back to our home country. I was raised there and went on to finish elementary and high school, and obtain my college degree. After working several years in Mexico, I moved to New York to pursue another degree and then began working in New York.

My mom is visiting this week from home and today, we had lunch at Chop't, a salad place near my office. The people that work behind the counter are, in their majority, from my home country. They overheard my mother and me speaking in our native language and asked where we were from, when we told them they were surprised and said we didn't look like we were from there, we were too well dressed.

This evening, as I was walking my little dog, I told him to come along in my native language. Someone overheard me and asked if I was from a European country. When I responded that I was from my home country, he said that I looked too white to be from there.

These small encounters always irk me. To think that everyone from an Asian country should have certain characteristics, or to think the same of someone from an African nation, denotes ignorance in my mind. It is the globalization of stereotypes.

It bothers me further that I must "defend" my heritage to a stranger because of his or her ignorance: yep, I really am from there; nope, it is quite diverse despite your misconceptions; etc.

This happens to me more frequently than not. I wonder if people ever stop to consider that questions like that may be offensive to the recipient, especially in a city like New York that is so inherently cosmopolitan.

A.B.

Feeling like an outsider again...

It has been quite a while since I felt or was made to feel like an outsider. Having been living in New York since 2001, I have grown accustomed to not needing to justify my sexuality or to even be questioned as to where I stand in terms of orientation. In New York, I have found comfort in the, generally, live and let live attitude and accepting, if not welcoming, view the majority of people I encounter have towards diversity. Let me preface that by stating that perhaps I have been fortunate, and that I have not suffered discrimination directly. On occasion, there have been instances of what other person's might consider or find intolerable, i.e., hearing "faggot" yelled on the street. I have, in recent past, been aware of more directed assaults on our community in New York (i.e., gay-bashings) which are, in and of themselves, intolerable.

Coming from a country and a culture that is deep-rooted in catholicism, where discrimination and hatred are rampant and the norm, not the exception, an occasional slur to me, though not forgiveable and certainly not something to approve of or support, is not something I tend to get too worked up about. That said, these instances in New York have been two or, perhaps, three.

Over the labor day weekend, I went away on vacation to Nantucket. A friend of mine had rented a house there, in order to attend a wedding and invited some of her friends and me to join. I decided that getting way would be a good idea and since I had never been to Nantucket before, jumped at the opportunity.

The preppiness aside, the setting is most magnificent. The remoteness of the island (or the feeling of remoteness), coupled by the incredible and fresh seafood, made it a perfect getaway weekend. But, during the course of my stay, one guy, attempting to hit on my female friends (three beautiful sisters of Korean ancestry) asked me "Which one of these beautiful women is your girlfriend?" My natural response would have been to say that I am gay followed by complimentary conversation of my friends (i.e., a set-up). But in this environment, where all men and woman were so uniform, clad in their polo shirts, madras shorts and cute keds, the response was one of yesteryear. "Unfortunately, none of them is my girlfriend". I felt I betrayed myself but, at the same time, had no other option.

I was reminded of a line in Priscilla Queen of the Desert, in which one character explains, after a gay-bashing, that suburbia is a cushion that safeguards us from the rest of the world.

I yearned to be back home in New York.

A.B.

The Guy 2

So, I have been seeing (dating? hanging out with? what?) this guy I met on, of all places, gay.com. We chatted early July and suggested meeting for coffee. Unfortunately, he had plans for the coming weekends, I was busy with work and the like. We finally were able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, at 3pm at a coffee shop in my neighborhood. What I expected to be a 1 hour tops coffee "date" turned into a five hour conversation.

After that, we came to my apartment as I needed to walk my dog, continued our conversation. Nothing happened, we said goodbye and he left to meet up with some friends for dinner. I carried on. I played by the rules and didn't want to call or follow up for a couple of days. My past experiences and showing my excitement of meeting someone I feel attracted to or interested in have always ended in failures. So, a couple of days later I planned on calling. Two days later he sent me a text message. A week later I called him on a Monday and suggested dinner. We had dinner that evening and, after dinner, kissed goodnight.

The next week, we met again for dinner on a Wednesday night. We had a great time and suggested doing something over the weekend. I had plans that Saturday evening and so he suggested meeting up with me after my dinner. We did meet at the restaurant, where he met some of my friends. We were at One If By Land, Two If By Sea and he met us there for dessert. He dressed to the nines. As he walked in, I could tell, for certain, that he had dressed to impress. The fact that he did meant (means) a lot to me. I notice these things, these apparently seemingly minor efforts and put a lot of meaning into them.

After dinner, we went to Little Branch for drinks. Our dated didn't end unti Sunday evening. Sunday we had brunch, walked around in SoHo and then ended up going to a movie. It was just so nice to have someone to spend time with and enjoy it, hoping the day wouldn't end. This past weekend, we did pretty much the same. Dinner, a show and brunch the next day with a friend of his. We spent Sunday together once more.

Since we are both leaving on a vacation over the Labor Day weekend, we had dinner last night. It was fantastic but I now feel a little anxiety and insecurity. We've spent time together and had a great time, but now I wonder, what is too fast what is sufficiently slow?

Next week, we are having dinner on Wednesday with friends of his. I feel nervous because there is a degree of involvement (meeting friends, etc.) but where are we? At T@T, my therapist said that I should just relax. Yes, so easy to do. "Uh huh," I said.

So he is off this weekend, as am I and I am left to ponder where, if anywhere, will this lead to? And why can't I just "go with the flow"?

A.B.

Guy

So, I've met this amazing guy and have had four dates with him and am completely and utterly nervous because I don't want to screw it up.

A.B.

New Trend?

So, my new thing is to refer to Starbucks as *$$, but nobody gets it. I feel lonely...

A.B.

What not to do on a date, or after a date.

Please venture here and read. Boys, don't do this [PERIOD].

A.B.