Idle hands are the devil's workshop...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 70% Green Lantern 70% Catwoman 70% Superman 60% Supergirl 50% Batman 45% Wonder Woman 40% The Flash 40% Robin 27% Hulk 25% Iron Man 20%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

The Mojo...

It's back baby!

I guess the funk is over. After the mourning, the sense of loss, the despair and all those wonderfully unpleasant feelings, it seems I got my Mojo back as my friend L.C. says. The only problem is that the mojo has a little quirk to it now... it attracts 23 - 26 year olds.

I have traditionally dated men slightly or not so slightly older than myself, anywhere from 35 through 45. Not a strict rule, it has just so happened that way. I find myself attracted to more mature, more established men who have, for the most part, been able to evolve past the partying, the drinking and sexual escapades to the theatre, the movies, fine dining, etc.

My M.O. has usually been that. Until a few weeks ago. First, this guy, T.M., happened. He's 24. I bumped into him Sunday night at The Cabañas at The Maritime Hotel. Friday night, after X-Men 3, I decided to stop by Mr. Black, a bar on Bleecker and Broadway. I thought I would have a drink, feel a little less lonely amidst the crowd.

I ended up bumping into acquaintances. Those times you wish you didn't only because you would like to be on your own but are obligated by social grace to be friendly and talkative and inquisitive.

Around 1 am, this guy begins talking with me. He looks young, but I think that it will be the usual 5 minute conversation. We ended up talking at length. The guy is quite handsome (F.M.), 23, out of college, working in an equity firm. He ended up giving me his number and asking me to call him to go out. More happened, I won't divulge that here though.

In addition, there are a couple of more guys, 24 and 23 as well. My friend L.C. is all for it but I tell her that I have my reservations about younger guys. They tend to party too much, to want to do the same things I did at that age and that I am now beyond. I don't judge them at all, hell, I did it. My reservation is that they are probably not for me precisely because of being at that stage. L.C. says that I am "thinking too much" and that I should "go with the flow and enjoy myself". Why make something serious before its time. My thoughts are simply why waste my time. Ugh!

This is in addition to a guy that chatted me up on the subway on Friday and a person I once had an encounter with who invited me to his barbecue party on Monday and was affectionate.

Anyhow, seemingly, the Mojo is back. Let's hope it lasts!

A.B.

Dinner

Last night I had dinner with my friend H.P. H.P. and I met a couple of years ago and he has become a true friend, those you know will be lifelong. H.P. is sophisticated, articulate, intelligent and funny.

We had a great conversation and a good time just hanging out. His partner wasn't able to join unfortunately, work got in the way.

H.P. said that I seemed to be doing well. I'm glad to see that it is starting to show and I'm not the gloomy old me I was a couple of months ago.

Feeling refreshed.

A.B.

Second Chances?

At one point while I have been living in New York, I gained a lot of weight. My highest ever, at 194 lbs occurred in the summer of 2003 as my most recent relationship came to pass. Depression, sadness, work, stress, anxiety and implacable loneliness were all addressed with food. Once my waist line began inching to the 36" mark, I realized it was time to take action. Dieting began and by the winter of 2004 I had lost 25 lbs. During that time, I met various guys. Very few of them progressed passed the proverbial cup of coffee or first "date". I attributed it to incompatibility or lack of chemistry, either on my part or theirs. After they each waned, I really didn't make an effort to carry on a friendship thinking that if they too had an interest, they would make an attempt as well.

Following that 25 lbs loss, I gained back 5lbs, completely within range. Flash forward to May 2006. I have lost another 15 lbs from January to the present, weighing in at my all-time lowest. Size 31 waist, very slim, features that have become pronounced and angular; the camera is loving me and I'll tell you why.

I have profiles on Connexion and Friendster. I meander on them see if there is anyone that catches my attention and, sometimes, send them a message. Hell, isn't that what those sites are for? Well, as of late, and as a result of my new pictures, several of those guys I once met or went out on one date with (and by several I mean more than 4) have looked at my profile in the past couple of weeks.

They have also e-mailed me to compliment me on my pictures and "new" looks and see if I would be interested in getting together, for a drink, you know? It's flattering, yes, but at the same time I wonder... why have I all of a sudden become worthy of their attention. A couple of years ago, they actually met me face to face and moved on. Clearly, they didn't find me attractive, intelligent, smart or funny enough. So, why am I now worthy of their attention?

The truth is, I am not interested because I feel that all of a sudden the interest (whether it be for a friendship or romantic in nature) is misguided and superficial. Now that I'm not the "ugly duckling", what type of people do I want to associate with. The people that know me or the people that like the way I look (and may or may not know me).

I'll take the former.

A.B.

An Ever Present Absence

I received over the weekend an e-mail from a dear friend back home. We do not speak often or communicate frequently, our lives have put us on busy and differing paths. However, he is a guy that came into my life and has remained present in it, despite time and distance.

Recently, G.R. broke up with his partner of 4 years. A very dramatic relationship, I heard through mutual friends that things had not been good for a while and that it was most likely they would end their relationship. Incredibly, I never met G.R.'s partner, as I had already moved here when they began dating. By all accounts, his partner was nothing to write home or elsewhere about.

G.R.'s e-mail informed me of his move to a new apartment, the start of a new life on his own, the 30+ lb weight loss and other things. I responded letting him know I was delighted to hear from him, to know that he was moving on and that he had lost the weight he had gained.

G.R. responded that evening, and as I read, I felt a twitch of nostalgia and a pinch in my heart. He said (translated) that despite the distance, I was a person what was ever present in his life and he wanted me to know that I am important to him.

I wish we could all, and I include myself, take the time in our busy lives to tell those that are important to us just how much impact they have in our lives.

A.B.

My Reading Kick

Late to join the bandwagon, I recently picked up "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. More out of a need to sit down and read something rather than to follow a trend, I began one evening a nice journey. The book was short-lived, I devoured it and, as I did, was reminded of so many things in my life. I think that Sedaris has, what one friend calls, a keen eye for what is obvious. His writing is not earth-shattering, it isn't a discovery proper, but more an ability to focus on those small things that we pass on lightly as we grow. We forget and fail to pay attention to them as more "important" matters take over.

Following that, I went on a shopping spree and have purchased his other books and will begin shortly reading them.

In the interim, I am loving Jhumpa Lahiri's "Interpreter of Maladies", it is bittersweet.

A.B.

My (Growing) List of Pet Peeves

I try to keep an open mind about the people I meet. I attempt to not keep steadfast rules and, in doing so, have realized that some things I thought I disliked, can actually be attractive to me. However, there are certain things I just cannot tolerate. Herein follows a list of such things:

1. Men who wear socks with sandals; Men who wear gym socks with dress shoes.
2. People who enjoy chewing their gum with their mouths open, similar to cows grazing.
3. People with poor dental/oral hygiene.
4. Lack of basic table manners.
5. Chewing with mouth open.
6. Burping (in front of people); if inevitable, failing to excuse oneself for so doing.
7. People who do not think before they speak and gravitate towards stock phrases: "I'll call you", "I am so stressed out", etc.
8. Lazy people.
9. People who drink too much or whose only idea of fun is drinking.
10. People who lack the courage (i.e., balls) to be honest.

True, some of them are quite generic, but if the red flag goes up, I am learning to just move on.

A.B.

Another one bites the dust

About two weeks ago, as I was walking home from dinner at Wallsé, I discovered a new bar in my neighborhood, Mr. Black. I walked in, had a drink and then headed home. As I crossed Broadway, I bumped into an acquaintance (V.R.) and his friend (T.M.). We conversed briefly, the usual pleasantries. As I was bidding them farewell, T.M. insisted I join them. There was a trace of a sparkle in his eye.

Quite a strapping fellow, blue eyes, dark brown hair and tall, I thought that he was decidedly too young. I thanked them and then headed home.

Monday, I attended the Lambda Legal Liberty Awards dinner, a gala fairly attended by the legal community. V.R. was there, as was T.M. and we ended up bumping into each other and talking once more. T.M. seemed to show interest and I thought perhaps this is something I can entertain. After the dinner and the cocktails, T.M., and M.I. (also there) and others ended up going out to a bar and T.M. insisted I go. I did and we had a drink and a pleasant conversation. He wishes to go to law school, is working as a legal assistant, hails from New York. Seems like a nice guy. I decided to leave as it was getting late and T.M. said he too was leaving.

I thought we would each take a cab home, say our goodbyes and perhaps talk the next day, as we had both exchanged cards. T.M. decided we should take a cab together and so we did. As we dropped him off at the corner of 29th and 2nd Ave, T.M. turned to me and kissed me, a long, deep kiss. I hadn't expected it, but wasn't opposing myself to it when it happened. He got out of the cab and we said goodbye.

At this juncture I thought that he liked me and would probably accept a date, so I thought to myself that I would call him the next day and ask him out to dinner for Saturday. I arrived home and as I was settling in, received a text message from T.M., to which I responded and then went to bed.

On Tuesday, I called T.M., and got voicemail. Remember my history with voicemail: I hate it. I left him voicemail and he didn't respond until the evening (I was in the subway, so he left voicemail). I returned the call and we had a brief conversation and then he said that he needed to be honest. He is dating someone, and although it hasn't arisen to the level of commitment, he
felt it wouldn't be right to not disclose that. By the same token, he said he couldn't expect me to just wait around to see if things didn't work out with this person (I thought that was a little too forward looking and presumptuous). Finally, he said the dreaded "I would love to be able to hang out with you though". I told him that he had my number and could call if he so desired. I
wished him luck and we then hung up.

If you are dating someone in whom you are interested, don't kiss other guys.

A.B.

A sentiment

Empty words,
Hollow thoughts,
these are your sustenance.

Weapons of candor and
meaningless insights,
the journey to their significance is lost.

A.B.

Today's Words of Wisdom

Although yours is the sign of self-determination, the focus in your life is currently on your relationships. Both personal and business relationships might feel a bit strained, but this isn't necessarily a real crisis. More likely, a string of minor annoyances makes you aware of what's not working, rather than what is. There may be nothing to do about it and nothing to fix. Remember that circumstances are in a state of flux.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

I already knew that.

A.B.

Weirdness becomes me.

I curse my own stupidity. Saturday morning, a call, V., M.I.'s friend. Dinner Sunday, his place, he and his boyfriend (J.) are cooking and would I mind lending them two folding chairs. 8.00 p.m., bring a bottle of wine. M.I. is coming with F.A., the guy he has been dating. Cringe. Don't go.

Sunday, M.I. calls. Going to dinner tonight? My response, I'm not sure, I may just stay home and relax. No, he says, you should come, it will be fun. As an afterthought, with a hint of warning, he mentions that he will be going with F.A. and that I will get to meet him. Cringe.

V. stops by with J. to pick up the chairs and insists I go. I succumb.

M.I. and F.A. arrive half an hour after I do. F.A. turns out to not only be quite attractive, but nice. M.I. seems nervous and misplaced, almost a character from a Woolf novel. A little anxiety or anticipation, nervousness or awkwardness. I feel slightly more confident. Empowered even. A sense of security is exuded. I become funny, sarcastic and lively.

And then, M.I. asks what I think of F.A., whilst F.A. is seated next to me. It perhaps was not so much the question, but rather the manner in which it was asked. A slight grasp of the shoulders from behind, a breath on my neck, a whisper in my ear, a squeeze of my shoulders. And no answer. A faint "he's nice"; but no honest assessment. A desire of distance and space.

Dinner carries on as I am enveloped in thought and emotion. I observe F.A.'s hand gently caress the back of M.I.'s head. Compunction. The thought flashes through my head. Why am I undeserving of having someone. The thought was not "Why does M.I. have someone", but questioning my self-worth, yet again.

The conversation carries, I continue lost in thought. I feel the weight of a stare. F.A. is observing me as my eyes had begun to glisten. I turn. The stare is broken. I quietly say my goodbyes, thanking the hosts for a lovely evening. M.I. obsequiously says farewell, a hug, several kisses, a squeeze and another embrace. The sense of artificiality too overwhelming.

I slowly make my way home and think of R.G.

A.B.

Reading

I recently bought the book "Giovanni's Room" by James Baldwin on the recommendation of this blogger. I must say, I was, am, happy to have read it. Lately, my reading has dwindled: dating, work, exhaustion; all have contributed to my decline in reading habits. But something about the post made me want to read the book. I felt drawn to read it.

Amazingly, I finished it relatively quickly (it is not a long book by any stretch, I was just able to focus on reading it within the constraints of work, sleep and other activities).

It is saddening. Not just because of the ending, of which we are made aware of in the first couple of pages of the book, but rather because of that certain and well-known state of human affairs when we, as individuals, are unable to express our true selves -- and not in the trite, cliche-ish sense of the phrase -- and share our feelings with and for those persons that come into our lives.

That inability is a prison without bars, a painstaking way of semi-living. I truly cannot fathom not communicating our feelings, it seems to me to be the natural and instinctive manner in which to relate to other people and, perhaps, the reason why I bore of conversations that center on the banal.

Unfortunately, David, the principal character in the book, is unquestioning of himself and his orientation; not unnatural when we first realize our attraction to the same sex. But his path is one of sadness and self-destruction. He lacks the desire to live fully, to love and to be loved. Like many people I have known. But why?

A.B.

Thursdays @ Therapy ("T@T")

Last Thursday, I had my weekly therapy session. I have been in and out of therapy many times, for varying reasons: parents' divorce; sexuality; suicide of a teenage friend; stress; etc.

The purpose of my sessions is to figure out those patterns in my behavior ("schemas") that are self-perpretuating and adverse to my happiness. Sometimes, the session involves the use of imagery to pinpoint a feeling or sensation and understand it better.

During my session, the image that came to mind on my feeling lonely was that of me, as a child, sitting at my desk, doing my homework assiduously. My mother was in her room, watching TV, my brother downstairs playing around and avoiding his duties and my sister in her room in her crib, asleep. I sat there, practicing my penmanship, to get it perfect. Writing, erasing, re-writing, erasing. It had to be perfect. I was alone and felt the void. The void that continues to this day. I am searching to fill that void by doing what is expected of me by my parents, my superiors and even the most unimportant people in my life. Then... and now.

The name of the schema is subjugation: an inordinate need to please others while sacrificing oneself.

As a child, all I can remember is trying to always make those around me happy and to be pleased with me. So now, my imagery shows precisely that, my desire to please my parents by being the dutiful son that did his homework and was responsible, while just wanting to be a kid. I feel like I have been an adult since I was 6 or 7. That's a tall order.

I'm rambling.

A.B.

What the F**K?

So, a day or two ago I e-mail a guy on Connexion with an e-mail saying "Hi, great profile, take a look at mine and e-mail me if you would like to start a conversation."

He responded that same day. The next day he deleted his profile. What the F**k? I am convinced I have this effect on people. One e-mail and profile deleted... I must have this effect on people?

Help!

A.B.

Today's Horoscope

With the Moon moving through your 4th House, your moods may shift several times throughout the day. You could be uncertain about how you should respond to a situation that's unfolding in your life. Your head tells you one thing, but your heart has a different agenda. As much as you want to be understood, be careful not to overwhelm others as you seek emotional support.
Tuesday, May 2, 2006.

Hmmmm....

A.B.

Movies

I am a big movie fan. Lately, I really haven't been feeling the urge though to go out to the movies. Mostly because many of my friends don't enjoy it as much as I do and see the idea of going into a theater for 2 hours as a waste of time when there is "so much to do".

So, in that vein, I have become more of a DVD person, subscribing to Blockbuster Online and setting up a queue of movies I want to watch.

Yesterday, before my friends arrived for another dinner I cooked for them, I started watching Shopgirl, which I finished moments ago. I was impressed with the humanity of the characters and their weaknesses.

Steve Martin is both afraid of falling in love and at the same time, desiring a part of Claire Dane's character as a cautionary measure of not letting go and being hurt. In the end, he says that he misses her, although he kept her at bay in order to never have to miss her. Powerful and bittersweet, but marvelous nonetheless.

I am so buying it.

A.B.

p.s. I actually do, on occasion, go to the movies alone, but doing it all the time takes the fun out of some of it too.

*Sigh*

It has been quite a week, busy with work and all. After a nice and calming weekend in which I attended two parties, Monday felt like payback for an enjoyable weekend.

At Saturday's party, I actually met C (a/k/a "Secret Squirrel Agent 000"), an incredibly smart and wonderful person and her husband (a very, very smart guy). We had a fascinating conversation on the crossroads of economics and psychology, the "rationality" of consumers and meditation. You know, your typical New York conversation.

I had a blast at the party and so told S. It was a lot of fun. I met one of S's friends, a very nice chap, handsome, engaging, funny and slightly giddy. He was very kind and prepared me a drink and we started a conversation and throughout the evening continued bumping into each other and talking. He seemed like a nice guy, the type I might (may) pursue. The one if is that he does not live in New York. I have always thought that long-distance romantic relationships are difficult. Then again, I thought tattoos were unattractive (and dated a person who had one and found it so sexy). I guess I will just try not to think too much or overanalyze as I tend to do. Maybe my therapist will have some insight.

As for M.I., we had brunch on Saturday and all is back to normal, thankfully. He is even telling me about a guy he likes and his sort of dating. I do the same.

Back to work.

A.B.

Just can't get this one out of my head

So, I loved the song "Beautiful" by James Blunt. So what, mainstream has influenced my musical tastes, shoot me. In any event, only a week ago did I decide to buy the album at Tower Records. I thought, what the hell, maybe the guy is actually talented.

I have listened, over and over, and over again, to the album and downloaded it to my nifty little iPod. But there is one song that has gotten to me and I cannot get it out of my head. It's entitled "Goodbye My Lover". These are the lyrics which I have found quite powerful.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

©2004 Custard Records

So, call me a romantic, but this pretty much sums it up.

A.B.

One of the gayest things ever...

I have a running list of activities I would like to do. Each year, as it begins, I write out things I haven't done that I would like to try to accomplish. This year's list is quite extensive and more keeps getting added on as the days go by and ideas creep into my head.

So, for example, this year I proposed to go to the gym and to lose weight. Both are being accomplished, I have lost 15 lbs since January 1 and have been keeping regularly scheduled appointments with the trainer.

In addition, I penciled in the following activities: learn to scuba dive, learn to sky dive, do bungee jumping, go to a shooting range, try a cheese tasting at Artisanal, take up Tae Kwon Do again. So far this year, I already learned, and got certified in, scuba diving. Yippee! Any divers out there?

I did that back in March, took a week off and went to Grand Cayman. It was a fabulous trip, ate like a king (lost one pound though!) and learned to Scuba. The experience was amazing and I am glad I finally did it. Plus, I do feel proud of myself for setting a goal and accomplishing it. That, and I have opened up new horizons.

A couple of years ago, I took a wine tasting class (quite lengthy, it was an eight-installment course, two hours each installment). I met my dear friend L.C. at that course!

So, my list for this year has shortened since I have checked off Scuba Diving. Instead of now concentrating on the additional activities I have set up for myself, yesterday, as I was reading TimeOut, I read an article on p 56 of this week's edition (551) on "Zen and the art of flower arranging". Now, I am adding it to the list. Now remember, it is a running list and I can (and have) carried activities over to the following year. But the thought of actually learning to make a floral arrangement for my home is something I think would be novel and calming at the same time.

It is, however, one of the gayest things ever, but maybe it will be a venue for a creative side in me I don't know exists?

A.B.

Recognition

I am receiving an award next week for my work and contributions in assisting a client to apply for political asylum in the United States. The organization giving me the award is the organization that referred my client to the firm I work at.

At first, I reacted negatively to the thought of receiving an accolade. A variety of reasons jumped to mind: we have not yet filed the documents to the case; I am just doing my job, what anybody else would do; I am no more special than the 100s of other attorneys that do pro bono, etc.

It really wasn't until yesterday evening that I started to look forward to the event (scheduled for next week). I have never been good with compliments, they make me inherently uncomfortable. It turns out that because I feel "unworthy" and "defective" I have trouble accepting a compliment or an award.

So, I have decided to embrace the opportunity and accept that sometimes, I do deserve to be recognized for something. We'll be filing papers for my client soon and I hope we get asylum quickly, for his good sake. He is an angel and has taught me a lot. His life puts me and mine in such utter perspective.

A.B.