Loss...

Mourning is not for death, it is for loss. And loss comes in many shapes and sizes. I think that one of the most beautiful poems relating to loss is Funeral Blues, of W.H. Auden. It is a powerfully succinct description of what loss is:

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W. H. Auden

Hope you enjoy it.

A.B.

Reality Has Settled In...

Timing, it just can't be manipulated. Sometimes, things are cosmically meant to be, at others, no amount of effort will conjugate two diverging paths.

R.G. and I are in absolute limbo. I am ready and willing to talk about something more substantive and serious, whereas R.G. says that the serious conversations we have been having have instilled in him fear and a desire to place distance between us. His fears of commitment and of intimacy (talk about timing, he just logged on to IM as I am drafting this) seemingly outweigh by far any benefit I may contribute to him and to his happiness. Essentially, I am not fitting into the equation.

I feel resentment and sadness, for it appeared to me that we not only were equals with many interests in common, but that there was also that ever so elusive and hard to define "chemistry". I am at a loss to understand why on Earth someone would allow themselves to miss out on forming a bond with someone they have stated, time and again, is perfect for them.

My friend, L.C. wrote this to me today:

"Big hug to you my dear dear friend. You are the most generous soul that I know and I love you for it. I am sorry that some of my advice sounded harsh today but I hope that you know that it came with the best place possible and with much love and care. Me hearing your stories has made me more sad as it reminds me of where I was a month ago missing the way things used to be with [her guy]. It has taken me longer than I ever thought to "get it" and as sad and heartbreaking it may be right now, it is something that will also put you in a better position. I feel much better for having moved on as you can not make someone care or give you more than they are capable. Sadly for R.G., he is missing out on the best thing that has happened to
him. It is definitely not about you as you are beautiful and wonderful on many levels - please don't ever second guess that!

Love you heaps,

L.C."

She is such a wonderful friend. I wish she were a guy sometimes. I am deciding that I must make the effort to move on. I am, finally, after 2 and a half years, ready for a serious relationship. If the person I wish to form that bond with is not emotionally available and able to do so, I can't sit around and wait to see if he, at any time, will be ready. If the future holds him to be present in my life, it will happen. For the time being, I will need to move on. Now to actually do the moving on.

A.B.