The Guy 2

So, I have been seeing (dating? hanging out with? what?) this guy I met on, of all places, gay.com. We chatted early July and suggested meeting for coffee. Unfortunately, he had plans for the coming weekends, I was busy with work and the like. We finally were able to meet on a Saturday afternoon, at 3pm at a coffee shop in my neighborhood. What I expected to be a 1 hour tops coffee "date" turned into a five hour conversation.

After that, we came to my apartment as I needed to walk my dog, continued our conversation. Nothing happened, we said goodbye and he left to meet up with some friends for dinner. I carried on. I played by the rules and didn't want to call or follow up for a couple of days. My past experiences and showing my excitement of meeting someone I feel attracted to or interested in have always ended in failures. So, a couple of days later I planned on calling. Two days later he sent me a text message. A week later I called him on a Monday and suggested dinner. We had dinner that evening and, after dinner, kissed goodnight.

The next week, we met again for dinner on a Wednesday night. We had a great time and suggested doing something over the weekend. I had plans that Saturday evening and so he suggested meeting up with me after my dinner. We did meet at the restaurant, where he met some of my friends. We were at One If By Land, Two If By Sea and he met us there for dessert. He dressed to the nines. As he walked in, I could tell, for certain, that he had dressed to impress. The fact that he did meant (means) a lot to me. I notice these things, these apparently seemingly minor efforts and put a lot of meaning into them.

After dinner, we went to Little Branch for drinks. Our dated didn't end unti Sunday evening. Sunday we had brunch, walked around in SoHo and then ended up going to a movie. It was just so nice to have someone to spend time with and enjoy it, hoping the day wouldn't end. This past weekend, we did pretty much the same. Dinner, a show and brunch the next day with a friend of his. We spent Sunday together once more.

Since we are both leaving on a vacation over the Labor Day weekend, we had dinner last night. It was fantastic but I now feel a little anxiety and insecurity. We've spent time together and had a great time, but now I wonder, what is too fast what is sufficiently slow?

Next week, we are having dinner on Wednesday with friends of his. I feel nervous because there is a degree of involvement (meeting friends, etc.) but where are we? At T@T, my therapist said that I should just relax. Yes, so easy to do. "Uh huh," I said.

So he is off this weekend, as am I and I am left to ponder where, if anywhere, will this lead to? And why can't I just "go with the flow"?

A.B.

Guy

So, I've met this amazing guy and have had four dates with him and am completely and utterly nervous because I don't want to screw it up.

A.B.

New Trend?

So, my new thing is to refer to Starbucks as *$$, but nobody gets it. I feel lonely...

A.B.

What not to do on a date, or after a date.

Please venture here and read. Boys, don't do this [PERIOD].

A.B.

Scent of a Man

I purchased, over a year ago, a cologne that I truly loved on first smell. They say that our olfactory sense has a better memory than our other senses and is a powerful cognitive, although majorly subconscious, sense.

This cologne - I have sworn myself never to reveal the name as it is "my little secret" - is one of those things that I just cherish. Many people have complimented me on the scent, inquired as to the name and come up and sniffed my neck. It's funny and it's conversational.

Today, my former assistant didn't see me in the elevator as she was walking out. Half and hour later, she walked into my office to say that although she hadn't seen me in the elevator, she realized I was there because of my cologne.

I stepped out to get coffee this afternoon and, as I came back into the building, the female security officer turned to me and said that she really liked my cologne.

R.G. loved the scent as well. I think he may be the only one that "knows" my secret.

I have (or had) a secret!

A.B.

A month has flown by

A month has flown by and I don't know what happened. I got distracted by much dating going on but, it seems, nothing has come of it. I met three different guys at about the same time and, though they all seemed nice, nothing really sparked. I guess I just really need to take a break, re-focus and center myself.

Perhaps, again, by not looking, I shall find.

On other fronts, work has been crazy, keeping busier than I expected, but not enough to keep me away from the gym. I am becoming, slowly and surely, an assiduous gym-goer. And it's fun. Recently, I graduated from "running" on the elliptical to running on the treadmill. And let me tell you, running is cathartic. I am focused on one goal, making it to my 30 minutes. And I am almost in a trance as I run: the pounding feet, the concentration, the coordinated effort and the sweat. It's fantastic.

A.B.

T@T - Lo Mundano

I woke up late on Thursday, having been to an event the prior night. That coupled with stress relating to my job situation, well, my therapy session was left in a forgotten void. At 8.45 am, as I was leisurely walking my dog, it dawned on me. As I got into my apartment, my phone was ringing, I answered and it was my therapist. I apologized profusely, almost to the point of self-flagellation and he said I was being too hard on myself. We ended up having a phone session, and no, it wasn't that kind.

We talked mostly about dating and my therapist asked me, "Well, what is that you want from dating?" I had to think about that for a minute. I suppose that what I want, I said, is the mundane. He asked what I meant by that. "Lo mundano" seems to be so natural to me, that I didn't really think I needed to explain it. Apparently, cultural differences necessitated some form of clarity. I responded, I don't really want a "Hollywood" relationship -- like the one's I see in the movies -- where everything is seen through rose tinted glasses. It isn't the endless emotional spiraling sensation. Those things are nice, but they aren't the things I seek. Should they come or be part of the package, that would be wonderful.

No, what I look for are the smaller things. The devil is in the details. Cooking for someone; bringing him a cup of coffee; observing him sleep; watching him read a book; watching a sunset together or taking in a movie; a kiss goodnight; a call out of the blue; a hug that touches my soul; the knowing someone, perhaps better than you should; a penetrating gaze that acknowledges your essence; to love, to be loved.

That, to me, is the mundane and that is what I aspire to have in my life.

A.B.

Dating

So, the dating continues. Aside from the SCA guy and F.M. (who never called back), I've met a couple of other guys. I don't know whether it is that I am "jaded" or that these people just don't inspire me, but they all fall into the category of "not worth my time" or "nice guy, potential friend".

I have insisted that the attraction and chemistry I have had with C.T. (who has not been written-up here as of yet, dates back to 2004) and R.G. are precisely the sentiments I aspire to have with respect to the person who will become part of my life. Everyone else is just in passing. Is that being jaded?

Take for instance G.J. A person who saw me at an event I attended and then found me on Friendster. We corresponded and finally decided to meet for dinner. He's vegan, I'm not. The whole back and forth on where to go was a bit boring, but we decided to go to an Indian restaurant. I love Indian and so, it wasn't a bad option; but the conversation on where to dine detracted from the whole occasion. G.J. is a nice guy, regular in appearance and looks, of normal intelligence and passionate solely, for the most part, on a film he has screenwritten. The night passed by like a piece of driftwood on a lake with a mild breeze, sufficient impetus, but not full force. I don't think I'll see him again.

Friday, I met a person from Gay.com. We had chatted over a year ago and then struck up a conversation again recently. I suppose my new pictures had an effect. We met, had drinks. Again, nice guy, but not for me.

Love is elusive. Like porn, you mostly know it when you see it. In the interim, I feel like that piece of driftwood.

A.B.

Next...

So, went on a date with Subway Guy yesterday. It was a very candid experience. He was in SCA (sexual compulsives anonymous). Date over. He explained to me his proclivity, his going to bars and enjoying oral sex with go go dancers, sex clubs, etc. Kudoz for being honest, but run while I still can. That is too much to take on. Next...

I gave F.M. a call and left voicemail. I hate voicemail. That was Tuesday. No return call yet. Next...

A.B.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop...

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 70% Green Lantern 70% Catwoman 70% Superman 60% Supergirl 50% Batman 45% Wonder Woman 40% The Flash 40% Robin 27% Hulk 25% Iron Man 20%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

The Mojo...

It's back baby!

I guess the funk is over. After the mourning, the sense of loss, the despair and all those wonderfully unpleasant feelings, it seems I got my Mojo back as my friend L.C. says. The only problem is that the mojo has a little quirk to it now... it attracts 23 - 26 year olds.

I have traditionally dated men slightly or not so slightly older than myself, anywhere from 35 through 45. Not a strict rule, it has just so happened that way. I find myself attracted to more mature, more established men who have, for the most part, been able to evolve past the partying, the drinking and sexual escapades to the theatre, the movies, fine dining, etc.

My M.O. has usually been that. Until a few weeks ago. First, this guy, T.M., happened. He's 24. I bumped into him Sunday night at The Cabañas at The Maritime Hotel. Friday night, after X-Men 3, I decided to stop by Mr. Black, a bar on Bleecker and Broadway. I thought I would have a drink, feel a little less lonely amidst the crowd.

I ended up bumping into acquaintances. Those times you wish you didn't only because you would like to be on your own but are obligated by social grace to be friendly and talkative and inquisitive.

Around 1 am, this guy begins talking with me. He looks young, but I think that it will be the usual 5 minute conversation. We ended up talking at length. The guy is quite handsome (F.M.), 23, out of college, working in an equity firm. He ended up giving me his number and asking me to call him to go out. More happened, I won't divulge that here though.

In addition, there are a couple of more guys, 24 and 23 as well. My friend L.C. is all for it but I tell her that I have my reservations about younger guys. They tend to party too much, to want to do the same things I did at that age and that I am now beyond. I don't judge them at all, hell, I did it. My reservation is that they are probably not for me precisely because of being at that stage. L.C. says that I am "thinking too much" and that I should "go with the flow and enjoy myself". Why make something serious before its time. My thoughts are simply why waste my time. Ugh!

This is in addition to a guy that chatted me up on the subway on Friday and a person I once had an encounter with who invited me to his barbecue party on Monday and was affectionate.

Anyhow, seemingly, the Mojo is back. Let's hope it lasts!

A.B.

Dinner

Last night I had dinner with my friend H.P. H.P. and I met a couple of years ago and he has become a true friend, those you know will be lifelong. H.P. is sophisticated, articulate, intelligent and funny.

We had a great conversation and a good time just hanging out. His partner wasn't able to join unfortunately, work got in the way.

H.P. said that I seemed to be doing well. I'm glad to see that it is starting to show and I'm not the gloomy old me I was a couple of months ago.

Feeling refreshed.

A.B.

Second Chances?

At one point while I have been living in New York, I gained a lot of weight. My highest ever, at 194 lbs occurred in the summer of 2003 as my most recent relationship came to pass. Depression, sadness, work, stress, anxiety and implacable loneliness were all addressed with food. Once my waist line began inching to the 36" mark, I realized it was time to take action. Dieting began and by the winter of 2004 I had lost 25 lbs. During that time, I met various guys. Very few of them progressed passed the proverbial cup of coffee or first "date". I attributed it to incompatibility or lack of chemistry, either on my part or theirs. After they each waned, I really didn't make an effort to carry on a friendship thinking that if they too had an interest, they would make an attempt as well.

Following that 25 lbs loss, I gained back 5lbs, completely within range. Flash forward to May 2006. I have lost another 15 lbs from January to the present, weighing in at my all-time lowest. Size 31 waist, very slim, features that have become pronounced and angular; the camera is loving me and I'll tell you why.

I have profiles on Connexion and Friendster. I meander on them see if there is anyone that catches my attention and, sometimes, send them a message. Hell, isn't that what those sites are for? Well, as of late, and as a result of my new pictures, several of those guys I once met or went out on one date with (and by several I mean more than 4) have looked at my profile in the past couple of weeks.

They have also e-mailed me to compliment me on my pictures and "new" looks and see if I would be interested in getting together, for a drink, you know? It's flattering, yes, but at the same time I wonder... why have I all of a sudden become worthy of their attention. A couple of years ago, they actually met me face to face and moved on. Clearly, they didn't find me attractive, intelligent, smart or funny enough. So, why am I now worthy of their attention?

The truth is, I am not interested because I feel that all of a sudden the interest (whether it be for a friendship or romantic in nature) is misguided and superficial. Now that I'm not the "ugly duckling", what type of people do I want to associate with. The people that know me or the people that like the way I look (and may or may not know me).

I'll take the former.

A.B.

An Ever Present Absence

I received over the weekend an e-mail from a dear friend back home. We do not speak often or communicate frequently, our lives have put us on busy and differing paths. However, he is a guy that came into my life and has remained present in it, despite time and distance.

Recently, G.R. broke up with his partner of 4 years. A very dramatic relationship, I heard through mutual friends that things had not been good for a while and that it was most likely they would end their relationship. Incredibly, I never met G.R.'s partner, as I had already moved here when they began dating. By all accounts, his partner was nothing to write home or elsewhere about.

G.R.'s e-mail informed me of his move to a new apartment, the start of a new life on his own, the 30+ lb weight loss and other things. I responded letting him know I was delighted to hear from him, to know that he was moving on and that he had lost the weight he had gained.

G.R. responded that evening, and as I read, I felt a twitch of nostalgia and a pinch in my heart. He said (translated) that despite the distance, I was a person what was ever present in his life and he wanted me to know that I am important to him.

I wish we could all, and I include myself, take the time in our busy lives to tell those that are important to us just how much impact they have in our lives.

A.B.

My Reading Kick

Late to join the bandwagon, I recently picked up "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. More out of a need to sit down and read something rather than to follow a trend, I began one evening a nice journey. The book was short-lived, I devoured it and, as I did, was reminded of so many things in my life. I think that Sedaris has, what one friend calls, a keen eye for what is obvious. His writing is not earth-shattering, it isn't a discovery proper, but more an ability to focus on those small things that we pass on lightly as we grow. We forget and fail to pay attention to them as more "important" matters take over.

Following that, I went on a shopping spree and have purchased his other books and will begin shortly reading them.

In the interim, I am loving Jhumpa Lahiri's "Interpreter of Maladies", it is bittersweet.

A.B.

My (Growing) List of Pet Peeves

I try to keep an open mind about the people I meet. I attempt to not keep steadfast rules and, in doing so, have realized that some things I thought I disliked, can actually be attractive to me. However, there are certain things I just cannot tolerate. Herein follows a list of such things:

1. Men who wear socks with sandals; Men who wear gym socks with dress shoes.
2. People who enjoy chewing their gum with their mouths open, similar to cows grazing.
3. People with poor dental/oral hygiene.
4. Lack of basic table manners.
5. Chewing with mouth open.
6. Burping (in front of people); if inevitable, failing to excuse oneself for so doing.
7. People who do not think before they speak and gravitate towards stock phrases: "I'll call you", "I am so stressed out", etc.
8. Lazy people.
9. People who drink too much or whose only idea of fun is drinking.
10. People who lack the courage (i.e., balls) to be honest.

True, some of them are quite generic, but if the red flag goes up, I am learning to just move on.

A.B.

Another one bites the dust

About two weeks ago, as I was walking home from dinner at Wallsé, I discovered a new bar in my neighborhood, Mr. Black. I walked in, had a drink and then headed home. As I crossed Broadway, I bumped into an acquaintance (V.R.) and his friend (T.M.). We conversed briefly, the usual pleasantries. As I was bidding them farewell, T.M. insisted I join them. There was a trace of a sparkle in his eye.

Quite a strapping fellow, blue eyes, dark brown hair and tall, I thought that he was decidedly too young. I thanked them and then headed home.

Monday, I attended the Lambda Legal Liberty Awards dinner, a gala fairly attended by the legal community. V.R. was there, as was T.M. and we ended up bumping into each other and talking once more. T.M. seemed to show interest and I thought perhaps this is something I can entertain. After the dinner and the cocktails, T.M., and M.I. (also there) and others ended up going out to a bar and T.M. insisted I go. I did and we had a drink and a pleasant conversation. He wishes to go to law school, is working as a legal assistant, hails from New York. Seems like a nice guy. I decided to leave as it was getting late and T.M. said he too was leaving.

I thought we would each take a cab home, say our goodbyes and perhaps talk the next day, as we had both exchanged cards. T.M. decided we should take a cab together and so we did. As we dropped him off at the corner of 29th and 2nd Ave, T.M. turned to me and kissed me, a long, deep kiss. I hadn't expected it, but wasn't opposing myself to it when it happened. He got out of the cab and we said goodbye.

At this juncture I thought that he liked me and would probably accept a date, so I thought to myself that I would call him the next day and ask him out to dinner for Saturday. I arrived home and as I was settling in, received a text message from T.M., to which I responded and then went to bed.

On Tuesday, I called T.M., and got voicemail. Remember my history with voicemail: I hate it. I left him voicemail and he didn't respond until the evening (I was in the subway, so he left voicemail). I returned the call and we had a brief conversation and then he said that he needed to be honest. He is dating someone, and although it hasn't arisen to the level of commitment, he
felt it wouldn't be right to not disclose that. By the same token, he said he couldn't expect me to just wait around to see if things didn't work out with this person (I thought that was a little too forward looking and presumptuous). Finally, he said the dreaded "I would love to be able to hang out with you though". I told him that he had my number and could call if he so desired. I
wished him luck and we then hung up.

If you are dating someone in whom you are interested, don't kiss other guys.

A.B.

A sentiment

Empty words,
Hollow thoughts,
these are your sustenance.

Weapons of candor and
meaningless insights,
the journey to their significance is lost.

A.B.

Today's Words of Wisdom

Although yours is the sign of self-determination, the focus in your life is currently on your relationships. Both personal and business relationships might feel a bit strained, but this isn't necessarily a real crisis. More likely, a string of minor annoyances makes you aware of what's not working, rather than what is. There may be nothing to do about it and nothing to fix. Remember that circumstances are in a state of flux.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

I already knew that.

A.B.

Weirdness becomes me.

I curse my own stupidity. Saturday morning, a call, V., M.I.'s friend. Dinner Sunday, his place, he and his boyfriend (J.) are cooking and would I mind lending them two folding chairs. 8.00 p.m., bring a bottle of wine. M.I. is coming with F.A., the guy he has been dating. Cringe. Don't go.

Sunday, M.I. calls. Going to dinner tonight? My response, I'm not sure, I may just stay home and relax. No, he says, you should come, it will be fun. As an afterthought, with a hint of warning, he mentions that he will be going with F.A. and that I will get to meet him. Cringe.

V. stops by with J. to pick up the chairs and insists I go. I succumb.

M.I. and F.A. arrive half an hour after I do. F.A. turns out to not only be quite attractive, but nice. M.I. seems nervous and misplaced, almost a character from a Woolf novel. A little anxiety or anticipation, nervousness or awkwardness. I feel slightly more confident. Empowered even. A sense of security is exuded. I become funny, sarcastic and lively.

And then, M.I. asks what I think of F.A., whilst F.A. is seated next to me. It perhaps was not so much the question, but rather the manner in which it was asked. A slight grasp of the shoulders from behind, a breath on my neck, a whisper in my ear, a squeeze of my shoulders. And no answer. A faint "he's nice"; but no honest assessment. A desire of distance and space.

Dinner carries on as I am enveloped in thought and emotion. I observe F.A.'s hand gently caress the back of M.I.'s head. Compunction. The thought flashes through my head. Why am I undeserving of having someone. The thought was not "Why does M.I. have someone", but questioning my self-worth, yet again.

The conversation carries, I continue lost in thought. I feel the weight of a stare. F.A. is observing me as my eyes had begun to glisten. I turn. The stare is broken. I quietly say my goodbyes, thanking the hosts for a lovely evening. M.I. obsequiously says farewell, a hug, several kisses, a squeeze and another embrace. The sense of artificiality too overwhelming.

I slowly make my way home and think of R.G.

A.B.