Awesome night out

Yesterday night was fantastic. My friend H.P. had wanted to introduce me to his mother, as she was in town visiting. After their dinner, we decided to meet up at a bar in the L.E.S. which, fortunately, was closed for renovations. H.P. decided we should go to a gay bar, Starlight, with mom in tow.

Mind you, my mother is a fag-hag (though she never has been to a bar, gay or straight). I thought the idea of bringing mom along was novel and delightful.

After the cosmos and the vodka tonics flowed, people began looking at us, and not in a strange way, but rather in an inquisitive-yet-I-won't-dare-ask type of way. As the night progressed, we were engaged in conversations with the people around us saying how fantastic it was to have a mom at the bar.

H.P.'s mom was adorable, chatting away, asking people questions, sharing her own experience with respect to her son's coming out, etc.

I think the best part of the experience was that we got to share our lives and a moment with a maternal figure and not feel that we were offending her for being us. Weird perhaps, but something every gay man should do (with his or somebody else's mother).

A.B.

Oblivion

M.I. has become obsolete. We had a talk over dinner and was informed that his life is just too complicated at the moment to even contemplate anything remotely serious.

So, aside from thinking that that was a cop out and writing him off ipso facto, the guy called me a week later to see what was up and to say we should get together. Color me stupid please, now. If your life is too complicated, why would you continue seeing a person that (i) makes your life complicated, and (ii) reminds you that your life is complicated?

I am realizing that we are complex creatures (and I have realized this before, but I just keep forgetting the lesson learned) and we fear being too honest. My friend H.P. says that this guy just doesn't want to be portrayed as a 'bad guy' and thus resorts to the "my life is complicated" line. It is like game theory, a no-lose situation. I'm not 'hurt', he isn't evil. Well, that is skewed logic, because it ultimately fails to address that lack of honesty is, too, hurtful.

Anyhow, enough of that. I am moving on and should have time ago. Again, another experience, not a great one, but an experience nonetheless. Perhaps this guy will someday realize that I'm not only handsome, professional, intelligent and adored by mothers everywhere, but also, a decent human being.

A.B.

Honesty, is it the best policy?

On Thursday, I was completely fed up with M.I.'s lack of communication/interaction. So I wrote this to him:


Hey M.I.,
I tried to reach you, I have some really cool news I would like to share with you.
In any event, I also want to ask you what's up. It appears to me that you aren't interested in hanging out or dating or a friendship and for the sake of clarity I would like to know if that is in fact the case. I don't mean to be a pester, but I feel I'm not off the mark here, I feel like I am the lowest of priorities (not to say I expect to be the highest one, but feeling like the last sort of sucks). I would have preferred to talk (as opposed to e-mail), but, in any event, have always preferred directness as opposed to beating around the bush. If you are pursuing other interests, or have no interest in me or desire to hang out or maintain a semblance of a friendship, I'd appreciate it if you would say so. Clarity and honesty are always much appreciated. ...
I think you are a great guy, very smart, articulate and handsome and have enjoyed getting to know you, but if it is time to withdraw, I'll take the queue, just say so.
I don't mean to be dramatic, I really hate that. Just hope you understand I'm wanting clarity.
Take care,
A.B.

To which I received a response with the "it isn't you, in a jam, talk later response". He called and said that we would try to do something on Saturday. Well, Saturday came and went and no call. Men suck. With an e-mail like that, why can't a person respond and say, "gee, thanks, but you know, I am not interested". Is saying that too offensive? Or do we prefer a cowardly stance? I am befuddled.

A.B.

The heart has reasons that reason cannot fathom.

I was completely put off by M.I.'s behavior, the lack of contact had been enough on Friday and I had sworn him off... that was until he called at 10.30 p.m. to complain that he was just getting out of the office. I responded, "Spare me the self-pity, I am still at the office." We had a nice conversation, as always, but that was it, no follow up other than a let's talk tomorrow or Sunday.

Saturday was a blast, I went to Fire Island for the first time. It was but a day trip, but I loved it. I guess if I had to sum it up in one word, it would be "vibrant." I arrived back in Manhattan at 1 a.m. and ran home to work on some things I needed to get done by Sunday at 9.00 a.m. for work (the recipient of the work product needed it at that time, yeah right. He didn't start reading it until Monday 9.00 a.m., fuck that). Back to train ride back though. I saw a very attractive guy on the platform and thought to myself, A.B., you should talk to him. As fate would have it, we ended up on the same train and after a neverending internal diatribe, I approached him and he asked me to sit down. Well, it turns out we had been in touch via e-mail (on http://www.connexion.org). We exchanged numbers when we arrived to Penn Station and there was clearly some chemistry in the air. When I got home and turned on my computer to start working, I already had an e-mail from him :-)

Now, all along, I couldn't get M.I. out of my head, he lingered there all through Fire Island, all through work and all through Sunday. So I called him on Sunday afternoon to say hello and got the inevitable voice mailbox. I was fuming, again. Now, I fumed because I thought "this guy is so avoiding me and can't even say so." Well, I guess I jumped to conclusions because I received a text message about 4 hours later stating that he was sick and in the hospital. My heart skipped a beat and I felt terrible and at the same time wanted to rush to his side like Flo Nightingale, I'm such a fag. Anyhow, I called him (no answer) and sent him a text message (no response). By 10.30 p.m. I was hoping it wasn't anything grave and called his home (which I had never done before). As I heard someone pick up, I thought, "oh good, he's ok". The voice on the other end was a guy (unknown who or what he was) who told me that M.I. was sick, had gone to the hospital, a bout with gastroenteritis and that he was sleeping. I put on my more serene of voices and said I had just called to see how he was doing and to offer any help if he needed it. Haven't heard back from him yet.

Am I just stupid for still hoping?

A.B.

Hope is the last to die...

We spoke, moreover, we've spoken. So besides the "I have been sick" card, and the "My life is so busy" excuses, I just finally said that I didn't like asking people to call me because I think it is impolite, I can just as easily pick up the phone and punch in the digits, right? But, I explained, this seems to warrant that you call me tomorrow when you decide you have time and are available.

That was Wednesday afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. So, the little, if any, lingering hope I had to actually see this guy again, has whithered.

I think the last nail in the coffin was when I signed up yesterday for gay.com.

A.B.

Dating Game?

I haven't heard from the guy in over three days, I wonder, is this the dating game or is he simply not interested?

We all know about the rules, some of us don't apply them, some are religious to a fault when it comes to them. I like to think that I stand somewhere in between. Neither too strict, nor too lax. However, not knowing what he thinks in this respect has led me down a path of confusion and frustration. There are many wonderful guys out there, but what are we losing when we become confused and frustrated? I insist, that only tears away at any bridge that may have been built on attraction and mutual interest, it doesn't enhance that connection.

I guess somewhere in that sea, there has got to be a fish like me. Time will tell.

A.B.

I feel stupid.

After a brief infection of phone tag with the guy, we were able to speak this evening... as he was on an out-of-town bound train. The joys of dating I say. Lightly (ok, not so lightly) frustrated, I had to ask 'straight out' but in a fidgety way "What's the deal? I mean, I, uh, hmm, I'm not sure whether I should back off or, er, uh, you know, stop pursuing this interest."

I was a bit surprised at the calm response and apology stating that it's been a tough couple of weeks, that he was sorry for being out of touch and that we would get together when he got back.

Now, I have mixed emotions, I feel a bit stupid for having actually asked the question and am a bit elated at the response.

So now what?

A.B.

Dating (or going out?)... argh!

Dating in New York baffles me. It is not only the uncertainties and insecurities of becoming acquainted with a new person (those are par for the course in any dating scenario), but, more importantly, our respective approaches to dating.

Case in point: I have been seeing a couple of people, but one really piques my interest. We have gone out some four times and, yes, had sex. We speak on the phone infrequently in my view but, when we do, we have an interesting conversation and it seems to me he is interested. His actions denote otherwise as we have seen each other once a week at most, and not on a Friday or Saturday. There is too, a perceived elusiveness. Calls go to voicemail and then are returned some hours or a day later.

My natural reaction is to ask straight (no pun intended) out whether he's interested in me (without labeling what that interest may be), but this approach has not been well received in the past: guys scram. This is not an invitation to a commitment ceremony, or Massachussets for that matter, but a desire for open communication. On the other hand, not doing anything may be perceived as a lack of interest on my part.

So, the invitation to dinner for Saturday extended on Monday has gone unanswered, the Wednesday follow-up call has not been returned and I fear that I may have my "unofficial" answer.

I hate dating woes. Argh!

A.B.

Inspiration

So, this blog has inspired me to be more introspective and contemplative, to not get so caught up in the whirlwind of the city and set aside some time every day to recapitulate where I stand in the grand (or perhaps not so grand) scheme of things.

But firstly, a little bit about me. I am an attorney, practicing in one of the larger law firms in New York; currently 31; single; male; and gay.

So, looking forward to the interaction.

A.B.